Parents telling their children to keep secrets from the other parents?

I'd definitely give him an ear bending.. stupid man!!

mrsspendalot wrote: »

One of the things I actually find the most disturbing is when the eldest one let slip they had taken something to show their Nanna and then said but I can't tell you what, I asked the youngest (5 years old) what they showed their Nanna and he lied to me and told me they took a poster. They actually took this dog it turns out. I think it's really worrying that a 5 year old is so quick at churning out a lie like that. Certainly taking after his dad!

Now that's wrong. They're not only being asked to keep a secret, but they're lying about it too.

I don't mean the kids are wrong, I mean by him asking them to keep the secret, they are feeling the need to lie about it.

He has put them in that position which isn't fair at all, poor things


ETA : If they're terrified of dogs, he should have known better than to just land them with "look at the new dog but don't tell Mummy!"

Idiot!

I had this conversation when my little one was a toddler with the ex. Admittedly he's from a different culture so I don't know if this approach would work on an English bloke but I figure it's worth a shot:-

The theme of the conversation = keeping our kid safe from perverts, peado's and others who would hurt him. So really not personal to him as a Dad in anyway at all.

Aim:- If any adult, no matter in what position of trust (remember the couple from Soham?) makes our child feel uncomfy in ANY way, he should feel able to tell either of us at ANY time, (and yes he has asked to call his Dad rather than tell me stuff he thnks only a "boy" could understand re playground mishaps).
REASON for ex:- Everything you read about child abusers seems to say that they try and keep their activities a secret from you and that it's most often not a total stranger but someone you the adult trust, (the worst case I've read was the nursery worker in Plymouth).
RESULT for me:- not having to raise a child who constantly feels pulled in two between his parents, even if we aren't together priceless!

Result:- Kid has said stuff to both of us we haven't enjoyed hearing repeated, but I left it a couple of weeks before pointing out this would inevitably happen and referred daft ex to original point, and the reason.

He's a complete £$%£ but making about a wider issue of keeping our child safe from every parents worst nightmare meant he realised that if he as a Dad followed my plan that in a worst case scenario our kid would tell us hopefully before becoming a tablois style victim. It meant he was able to see outside of the narrow tit for tat crap and look at what was in his child's best interests in a much wider sense. It stopped being about "us" iykwim. The mere idea that an abuser could and would use his silly technique against me was enough to stop that sort of behavior from him in it's tracks. He admits now he realised now my dislike of encouraging my child to keep secrets from me wasn't about him, but about the child's long term welfare. He also loves it when his boy "confides" in him over the usual playground squabble stuff, it makes them both feel closer and has enabled them to bond in a way I don't think they would have if the "secrets from Mum" stuff has continued - tho he couldn't see that at the time of course.

We over a period of weeks worked out a sensible approach - if we saw the world the same way we'd still be together. I don't encroach on convos his son has with him, and he doesn't interfere with mine. We argue out of the child's earshot when we disagree on things and we always present a united front to the child. I stil think it's awful I had to use shock tactics to shake him out of his selfish childishness, but sometimes needs must when dealing with ijeets who can't put their own kid first