Moral vs financial dilemma - do i reduce my maintenace payments

Gillsfan · 27 February 2017 at 3:45PM

Okay, so split with my wife nearly 2 years and divorced for 18 months. We have 3 kids, 17, 12 & 9 and family home is still in joint names

She moved a guy in a few months after I left, I am now in a relationship living with my gf in rented accommodation with her 2 children from her previous relationship.

I earn 40k and ex earns around 25k.

Initially, moved to parents and I paid half mortgage plus calculated maint based on 1-2 nights per week, plus a little extra to clear a couple of joint debts.
I stopped paying half of mortgage as per agreement with ex as she was moving someone in. I would love to sell the house, make a clean break but she wants to stay in family home and I understand its prob better for the kids at a hard time as it is.

So I have them between 11-18 nights a month at my place. Its a big home, and costs a lot as I need to provide space for 2 families (mine plus gf's). The maintenance am paying seems to be more than calculated amount £525 per month. She gets child benefit and any tax credit awards.

Looking back at records, I have had all 3 for 158 nights for last year, not including additional time I have my eldest.

If I try to suggest reducing the amount, I get threats that I will have less access! I cant afford a solicitor right now, and am taking another job to help make ends meet.

Very stressful time as have cut back on everything I can.. have little to nothing for my new life and ex has cheap mortgage plus both her and partner work (I get the impression he doesn't earn much)

Am I paying over by a lot?? If so.. Any ideas how to approach the situation?? I hate the conflict over money. Kids seem to get the brunt when she says to ask me for anything new!
I already cover some out of school clubs, they have own clothes and things I paid for at mine, mobile phone contracts.

Cant get any equity out of the house either as she cant afford and doesn't have the credit to re-mortgage

Mojisola · 27 February 2017 at 4:01PM

Gillsfan wrote: »

I earn 40k and ex earns around 25k.

Plus all the relevant benefits - have you worked those out to see how much money comes into the house?

I don't know why you are paying CM and all the extra costs.

Gillsfan · 27 February 2017 at 4:38PM

To be honest Mojisola.. it honestly thought that was what I was legally responsible to do. Initially the agreement was 1-2 nights per week (I have kids every other weekend fri night to sun night and one week night), but then it started increasing as kids wanted more time. So I began 1 full week every six in addition to weekends

I want to reduce it as its real struggle for me (just barely paying own bills), but am made to feel like am punishing the kids each time as she cant afford the cut

CakeCrusader · 27 February 2017 at 4:54PM

You could do with using a child maintenance calculator so you can see how much you should be paying, and then explaining to your ex that your children are not pay per view. If your children spend more time with you, you pay less maintenance as the maintenance is for them and their costs (food, heating etc), it's not spousal support for your ex.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Gillsfan · 27 February 2017 at 5:08PM

CakeCrusader wrote: »

You could do with using a child maintenance calculator so you can see how much you should be paying, and then explaining to your ex that your children are not pay per view. If your children spend more time with you, you pay less maintenance as the maintenance is for them and their costs (food, heating etc), it's not spousal support for your ex.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Thanks, will def try that approach! I love that term 'pay per view' I think am using it correctly, but works out on £40k.. more like 2-3 nights rather than 1-2 and in some cases 3+.. especially if I include the additional nights I host my eldest - £390 per month (2 other children live with me now). Does that sound correct?

CakeCrusader · 27 February 2017 at 5:15PM

Gillsfan wrote: »

Thanks, will def try that approach! I love that term 'pay per view' I think am using it correctly, but works out on £40k.. more like 2-3 nights rather than 1-2 and in some cases 3+.. especially if I include the additional nights I host my eldest - £390 per month (2 other children live with me now). Does that sound correct?

That does sound about right. There's deductions as you're responsible for other children, and there's deductions as you care for your children for x number of nights per month too. If you want to be super sure, you can contact Child Maintenance Service yourself and ask them to calculate this for you, this way your ex can't complain that the amount of maintenance is unfair.

Gillsfan · 27 February 2017 at 5:29PM

Thanks! I will give it a try. I have approached it before, but all I get is how she cant afford it and its already stressful. Feel bad for her, but she does have another guy living there and did just a few months after I left (long complicated story lol).

Next questions.. my additional obligations.. how does it work out on uniforms and school trips?
For uniform, most of the time I am getting my own anyway as they come to me dirty or damaged.. but should I be?

A bit off topic.. any ideas where I can go to get advice on house? As she cant afford to buy me out I was hoping she would sell up but I never would force that.. worried with the new guy I am never going to see my share

CakeCrusader · 27 February 2017 at 6:07PM

Thanks! I will give it a try. I have approached it before, but all I get is how she cant afford it and its already stressful. Feel bad for her, but she does have another guy living there and did just a few months after I left (long complicated story lol). <Sorry if I'm being harsh, but this isn't your problem. She either needs to cut down her spending, or increase her income by getting a job or asking her other half for money. You're not her personal bank. I'm a RP, and I'd never use my child in this way and if I want extra cash, I'll work for it.

Next questions.. my additional obligations.. how does it work out on uniforms and school trips?
For uniform, most of the time I am getting my own anyway as they come to me dirty or damaged.. but should I be? < maintenance covers everything, you shouldn't be expected to pay for the additional extras. If they come to you in dirty or damaged clothes, I'd be sending them home in damaged clothes (I'd wash them), and just have a spare set for them to wear when they are with you. Your maintenance should be covering their clothes, so there's no need to pay extra. School trips can be expensive, so I'd be inclined to pay half as it's fair. Maintenance should also cover presents, shoes etc, but these can be expensive too so it may be worth making an additional contribution as long as you agree to the cost of the gifts.

A bit off topic.. any ideas where I can go to get advice on house? As she cant afford to buy me out I was hoping she would sell up but I never would force that.. worried with the new guy I am never going to see my share. <You need to see a solicitor about this, sorry. Courts usually award the family home to the resident parent as long as there are children living in the home, but not always.

Mojisola · 27 February 2017 at 6:24PM

CakeCrusader wrote: »

Courts usually award the family home to the resident parent as long as there are children living in the home, but not always.

A common arrangement is for the resident parent to be able to stay in the house until the youngest child reaches 18 and then it has to be sold.

The financial split from the proceeds of the sale will depend on who has paid what percentages of the mortgage.

CakeCrusader · 27 February 2017 at 7:20PM

Mojisola wrote: »

A common arrangement is for the resident parent to be able to stay in the house until the youngest child reaches 18 and then it has to be sold.

The financial split from the proceeds of the sale will depend on who has paid what percentages of the mortgage.

Ah, thank you

Mojisola · 27 February 2017 at 7:45PM

Didn't you get a financial settlement when you divorced? What would happen to the house should have been sorted out during those discussions.

Moral vs financial dilemma - do i reduce my maintenace payments

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