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  • FIRST POST
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 9th May 17, 12:47 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...
    • #1
    • 9th May 17, 12:47 PM
    When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up... 9th May 17 at 12:47 PM
    I'm back again, worse than ever to be honest. Things all hit a head in March and along with help being needed in other areas than financial I realised that the money side of things are a big issue in fixing things elsewhere.

    Although not posting I have been reading the diaries I have followed, so many who helped along when I first started are happily debt free now. I want to join them one day, both in being debt free and in happiness.

    Our finances on paper while tight look okay. However we both smoke and my OH is not very responsible. At all. I fell into a gambling issue which I've sought help for and not a penny has gone on gambling since March.

    Our household is me (Not working, our youngest has complicated health issues), My OH he works full time with over time, and 3 delightful children

    I will make a seperate post for my debts/goals and then one with our SOA when I've completed it.

    Hope I can stay around to sort myself, the debt and the happiness thing out.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
Page 3
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 11th May 17, 4:17 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Hi HI, welcome back!

    When you are looking at laptops it may be worth considering a refurbished one. When I was a student I bought my laptop refurbished from Currys and it saw me through 4 years of university with no problems (and it was about a third of the price of a brand new one!) . I don't think Curry's sell refurbished laptops anymore but there are loads of places online : Laptops Direct have got a refurbished HP laptop with Windows for just under £140.

    I know you've said you've tried to give up smoking already, but would you be able to switch to vaping (if you don't already)? Would that make it a bit cheaper? I'm not a smoker myself but I saw this suggestion on another diary and it seemed to make a bit of a difference.

    Anxiety is a horrible thing to deal with and I'm really sorry that your OH isn't being so supportive. Could you make an appointment with your GP and ask for a referral for counselling? Don't feel like you have to deal with it on your own.
    People telling you to "snap out of it" doesn't help at all, let alone when you have these kind of money worries hanging over your head!
    Would you be able to show your OH your statement of account and budget? I appreciate that might be very difficult but in my experience it is not possible to debt bust if your partner isn't on the same page as you. It's one thing to have different habits and attitudes when it comes to spending 'spare' money, but totally unfair for one person to bury their head in the sand and leave their partner struggling to cover the bills.
    Originally posted by GeorgianaCavendish
    Thank you for replying. I haven't even looked at laptops/computers but that's something I'll definitely look into when the time comes. The GP has sent off emergency referals in March but I think the waiting list for both the counselling and psychological team are quite long. See while I'm a smoker if I don't have money I manage. For instance this week I was bought 20 cigarettes for helping out my mum with some ironing and these have lasted until today (still a few left)
    I don't smoke in the day. Only when the youngest is in bed and I'm 'bored' maybe I could just quit really? OH however smokes 20 a day along side vaping. He must spend/borrow around £150? A week at least. He has debts with his friends I have no idea about or the amounts. Tbh I don't want to know he can deal with it

    Again you don't have to answer this but just how much money do you have this week to live on? it doesn't seem like nearly enough, If he earns £1235.00 a month (even on average) how can he only have £26.00 (even accounting for buying tools and I don't understand why he did that when you're in such dire straights) and if that's all he has why isn't he giving it to you and the children? Agree with GC. If you're not seeing your GP on a regular basis you need to start doing so and get some support. If OH doesn't understand do you have a friend or relative who could talk to him and explain. Please don't think I'm being negative I really would like to help.
    Originally posted by Toni'sfriend
    Not being negative at all I appreciate the replies. This week's wage after tax and ni and pension is £308. This would see us comfortable to meet our commitments. However £280 in the work shop on boots/tools/bag etc has taken this full weeks wage and he says there's about £60 out of next week's which is also a day down already due to us having an appointment on Monday just gone with youngest.

    My mum and I are quiet close see each other every day however she's very set in old ways and not someone to listen really. I guess I need to find a friend but no seriously most time's I like my own company and clean to keep busy helping others where I can.

    I'm sure after this month is out the way we will feel some benefit. Only if OH stops the spending at work before he's evenue earned it
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 11th May 17, 4:58 PM
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    Toni'sfriend
    Your mother may be more receptive than you think if you open up to her. Mine was like that. Referrals can be long (an indication of just how big a problem this is). One of the things my son did was to self refer himself to a local group (GP might be able to help you with names of such). It was one of the best things he did on his road to recovery. He was allocated a case worker whom he met every week for a coffee. They encouraged him to meet other like minded people and get involved in some (free) activities, Had amazing results. Whilst you're happy in your own company you do need some interaction with others. Not an easy thing to do initially but well worth it I think.
    I'm concerned that OH is not taking your financial situation on board. Do you talk to him about it? He seems to be sticking his head in the sand. This seems to be a big problem. It's a Catch 22 situation. You have debts so your stressed - he doesn't help so your debts get worse so you're more stressed. Again you do not have to answer but do you have a good relationship? Are you really able to talk to him about anything and everything.Giving up smoking can be difficult be spending/borrowing £150 a week in your situation just is not on. It's selfish - sorry but he has a wife and children to consider. Hope I'm not being too harsh and upsetting you. I hope you'll take this as a genuine wish to help and not a criticism.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 11th May 17, 5:21 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Your mother may be more receptive than you think if you open up to her. Mine was like that. Referrals can be long (an indication of just how big a problem this is). One of the things my son did was to self refer himself to a local group (GP might be able to help you with names of such). It was one of the best things he did on his road to recovery. He was allocated a case worker whom he met every week for a coffee. They encouraged him to meet other like minded people and get involved in some (free) activities, Had amazing results. Whilst you're happy in your own company you do need some interaction with others. Not an easy thing to do initially but well worth it I think.
    I'm concerned that OH is not taking your financial situation on board. Do you talk to him about it? He seems to be sticking his head in the sand. This seems to be a big problem. It's a Catch 22 situation. You have debts so your stressed - he doesn't help so your debts get worse so you're more stressed. Again you do not have to answer but do you have a good relationship? Are you really able to talk to him about anything and everything.Giving up smoking can be difficult be spending/borrowing £150 a week in your situation just is not on. It's selfish - sorry but he has a wife and children to consider. Hope I'm not being too harsh and upsetting you. I hope you'll take this as a genuine wish to help and not a criticism.
    Originally posted by Toni'sfriend
    I will ask the gp of there's anything similar. Me and youngest have started going to salvation army for a coffee (it's 50p a session and I get coffee and she gets toast and squash) which has definitely helped the both of us and I don't feel there's any expectations to meet. Just a chat and a drink while the toddlers play.

    My mum can be helpful the majority of the timemail, however Im not 'good' enough and she compares a lot to my younger sister who is brilliant. Debt free other than a mortgage (she's 21) but has no kids and done everything the 'right' way in my mum's eyes. Where as I left home to be with OH at 14 and we'll here I am nearly 14 years later x

    I have to say since March I'm more determined to be sorted and happy for myself and the children. No one else. No needing to please anyone etc
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 11th May 17, 5:33 PM
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    Toni'sfriend
    Salvation Army are great. They might be able to help you with the names of some groups as well. Great that you're going to the toddlers group. I'm sure you'll make some friends but don't put yourself under any undue pressure. Small steps.
    My mother always seemed to prefer my 2 brothers to me. Not being paranoid here - even my younger brother admits that it was the case. You are you. You might have made some bad decisions but you're on your way to a better life for you and your little ones. Just keep at it. Keep Positive. Keep posting and we'll all encourage you along the way. You can do this.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 11th May 17, 9:13 PM
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    Eager_Elephant
    Before I comment I wanted to send (((hidden))).

    How much rent arrears do you that is under a court order?

    I am concerned about you missing a payment on your rent - I work with families facing homelessness due to debt and 1 missed payment can easily become 2 and so on.
    Once you have a court order you have to stick to it come hell or high water - its so easy to evict people nowadays. One click of a button and the court get the request and send the letter out with a date.

    Is there any way of you making a part payment? You need to ring your landlord and explain the situation.

    Could you visit a food bank instead of buying your own food and use the food money for rent?

    I am so sorry that your DH is being a douche and won't step up to the mark - what makes him buy all this stuff from work with no heed of the consequences?
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 20 for August
    NSD - 0/18
    (up to 01/09/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 11th May 17, 10:00 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Thank you TF xx

    EE thank you for stopping by.

    The rent arrears are high! About £3500 roughly. They where built up when OH had an accident at work (3 times in one year requiring surgery everyone!)

    The agreement is rent plus £12.50 a week paid on a Friday. Our housing have been more than understanding since the court order and have allowed us a 3 week break at the beginning of the year when our youngest was on a hospital stay so no income from OH. So I really don't want to miss a payment I can't see it going down well at all.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet tbh. Ive told him to make sure he sends me £13 he has left after his bus fare. His wage is around £50 short they owe and his manager agreed that should have been in this week's wage so is speaking to payroll first thing. Although he said it's likely it will just be put on next week's wage?

    I've text my mum in the hope she might offer some help. If not I'll consider something else.

    I don't want to undermine OH but I'm so tempted to speak to his friend who we see outside of work and just tell him that under no circumstances should OH be able to spend a full weeks wage on the shop account. He never used to be able to while still on 3 monthly contracts but now he's on a permanent contract he's done it a few times on things he hasn't even used. They have full access to all tools needed while on site and he has no need for any of the tools off site he just wanted his own (face palm)
    Last edited by Hiddenidenity; 11-05-2017 at 10:02 PM.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 7:17 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Morning again. Little one didn't sleep at all her pain relief kicked in around 4am though and at least she stopped crying. Awful feeling when you can't just fix what's wrong for them Anyway I hope that means once we've done the school run she will nap! So I can too

    Going to sort the kids into school then sort out what I'm going to do money wise.

    Kids aren't here for dinner tonight and we'll be having something with mince. Not sure what though. Need to make sausage casserole with the 2 sausages for DS it's not something we like at all as a family but DS has been asking for weeks for some. So plan is use the left over bits in the fridge looking sad get in his good books.

    3 items sold on ebay £17.95 not sure what fees will be it's years since I sold on ebay. I was shocked that 3 items at 99p sold for so much. I hope the buyers are happy my listing where more than accurate though and included 12 pictures of each item. I'll worry until they arrive though. 3 more listed that won't reach the same but even still 3 x 99p is better than chucking it in the bin

    Eta: £4.04 eBay fees 35p to list an item at 99p maybe I'll have to rethink this idea
    Last edited by Hiddenidenity; 12-05-2017 at 7:57 AM.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 12th May 17, 7:59 AM
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    Eager_Elephant
    Excellent work on ebay!!

    Just wondering what benefits you get and whether you are entitled to any Housing Benefit?
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 20 for August
    NSD - 0/18
    (up to 01/09/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 8:05 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Excellent work on ebay!!

    Just wondering what benefits you get and whether you are entitled to any Housing Benefit?
    Originally posted by Eager_Elephant
    We don't get any housing benefit or council tax etc. Just child benefit and tax credits. I've just requested our tax credits to be paid weekly rather than 4 weekly so at least I know then even if we can't afford anything other than the rent payment. At least if OH does this again I'll have a back up.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 8:37 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Money news.

    All 3 ebayers have paid. Need to post

    Like some guardian angel logged into my tax credits online and there's a payment on Tuesday. This must be the start if them switching to weekly? Either way no complaints. This nearly covers this week's rent I will call housing explain rent won't be paid today but will be paid Tuesday AM and then next week's will be Friday as expected. Phew!

    Work have confirmed they owe OH a days wage for bank holIday he worked. Around 50ish I think. It's basic rate not piece work rate 9am-4pm is what the cashed in day works out at. Bad news it won't be paid till next week's wage. Although this should nearly cover what he's already spent out of that wage and it should just be a day down not a day plus what he'd spent.

    Going to dash on the school run then sort out the rest
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 12th May 17, 8:57 AM
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    Eager_Elephant
    We don't get any housing benefit or council tax etc. Just child benefit and tax credits. I've just requested our tax credits to be paid weekly rather than 4 weekly so at least I know then even if we can't afford anything other than the rent payment. At least if OH does this again I'll have a back up.
    Originally posted by Hiddenidenity
    Great idea with Tax Credits - I agree that weekly is best for you.

    If your youngest has health issues have you ever thought of claiming Disability Living Allowance for her?
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 20 for August
    NSD - 0/18
    (up to 01/09/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 9:12 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Great idea with Tax Credits - I agree that weekly is best for you.

    If your youngest has health issues have you ever thought of claiming Disability Living Allowance for her?
    Originally posted by Eager_Elephant
    It's something that's been discussed between us and her team, I got the forms then never completed them she's doing quite a lot better this last few months and only had one hospital stay since Xmas. Before this she spent more time in hospital than home! She's on a new steroid trial and it's been brilliant, although it's due to end at the end of June so that will be the real test.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 12th May 17, 9:27 AM
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    Toni'sfriend
    Morning
    I hope you get things sorted out today.
    I don't know a lot about it but I think EE is right about looking into claiming Disability Living Allowance for the wee one. It seems like you need every penny you can get and if you are entitled to it you should claim it. If her team have suggested it I think there must be a fair chance that you are entitled.
    Also (and I don't mean to be rude) you have to tell OH in no uncertain terms that his attitude to spending on things that you cannot afford is completely unacceptable.It's you that's suffering because of his actions.
    Let us know how you get on with phoning the council.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 10:15 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Housing are totally fine with the payment Tuesday and then Friday as agreed next week. I haven't told OH this I want him to wake up and realise what he's doing. Who knows when he'll 'grow up'

    Anyway I can't change him I guess and just have to focus on changing myself to make things better where I can.

    Kids are being fed at mums today and will be for breakfast tomorrow, I've lifted mince out the freezer and will make spag bold for me and OH tonight and enough for him to take to work for lunch tomorrow.

    This leaves the stores empty. Like really empty but it means I can shop tomorrow with a list and plan and stick to it.

    Need to put £25 on electric and £20 on gas. (£17 a week is taken from each meter to recover debt) using the slow cooker everyday this week rather than the gas cooker has meant we've used around £1.70 in gas this week. The heating is set at 16° is I doubt it's been much if at all. Me and OH and DS shower which is electric only the girls have a bath and obviously the washing up.
    We've used around £10 in electric but this includes 5 extra loads of washing and ironing I did for my mum.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 10:16 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Morning
    I hope you get things sorted out today.
    I don't know a lot about it but I think EE is right about looking into claiming Disability Living Allowance for the wee one. It seems like you need every penny you can get and if you are entitled to it you should claim it. If her team have suggested it I think there must be a fair chance that you are entitled.
    Also (and I don't mean to be rude) you have to tell OH in no uncertain terms that his attitude to spending on things that you cannot afford is completely unacceptable.It's you that's suffering because of his actions.
    Let us know how you get on with phoning the council.
    Originally posted by Toni'sfriend
    Thank you we have a big meeting Monday with youngest consultant and team. I will discuss the dla with them and see what they think.
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 12th May 17, 10:18 AM
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    Toni'sfriend
    Great that housing have agreed. Are you going to try Aldi for your shopping?
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 10:44 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Great that housing have agreed. Are you going to try Aldi for your shopping?
    Originally posted by Toni'sfriend
    We are going to go to Aldi tonight for shopping I've done the spag bol today in the slow cooker so we can't be tempted to pick up extras/something easy to have this evening. OH will be home around 7 so would be easy to be tempted.

    OH is working tomorrow morning 6-2 so I'll get my jobs done early while he's at work and littles are at mums.
    .
    She's unofficially invited me and the kids to join her at the caravan the first week of half term. This might not come too on her part but I'm unsure I can commit on my half too. stupid thinking about going away when my situations like it is However it isn't as bad as it sounds. It's 6 days out of the half term the kids can be entertained for free. Swimming/entertainment etc is all free

    We will travel in her car and she will do the weeks shop etc. All food will be in the caravan. We've been several times and never been tempted to pay prices of food on site.

    She will expect me to offer around £50? Which is obviously very fair towards the costs of fuel/gas/food etc. So we'll see. It will save money at home as no food shop will be required OH can fend for himself and eat at work/friends. The house will be empty 5am-7pm probably later if he attends friends meaning less electric and gas used. Also taking into account I'd have the 3 kids home full days meaning they'd need lunch etc from home if we where to say no.

    So confused everything at the wrong time I think
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • GeorgianaCavendish
    • By GeorgianaCavendish 12th May 17, 10:59 AM
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    GeorgianaCavendish
    Morning HI

    That's a lovely offer from your mum and does sound like good value overall, but why not think on it over the next week - get the rent stuff sorted out first before you commit to spending more money. Or be really open with your mum about how tight things are at the moment, maybe she would decide to treat you to the week without you needing to make a contribution this time? (You can always do something for her later in the year when you are back on your feet).

    Have you told your OH anything about the rent situation? I know that you have it all under control but I would be really tempted to tell him how much you are worrying and what the consequences of missing the payment might be (i.e. eviction!) and let him worry about it for a few days. You are doing such an amazing job of balancing your budgets, it doesn't sound like your OH has to deal with the consequences of his overspending at all and he doesn't have a real deterrent not to spend on tools again. (He's not the one making the calls to get extra time for the rent payment, for example.) I'm a bit worried that your OH is spending so much on tools, cigs and potentially has smaller loans from friends that you aren't aware of. Would he actually be able to stick to a food shopping budget while you were away with the kids, or would be overspend on that as well? You really are superwoman with the amount of budget juggling you are doing but you can't do everything by yourself, your OH has to be on the same page with budgeting otherwise you'll keep having shortfalls in the budget.

    Exploring Disability Living Allowance for your youngest is a great shout. I know that there is a lot of paperwork but it is well worth it.

    Good luck with ebay and the ALDI shop. I switched to ALDI a couple of months ago and I can't believe how great they are I'm converting everyone I know over to them!
    Georgiana, Duchess of Debt-shire's July 2017 Debt Totals: HSBC Loan £11,362.14 / MBNA £3318.34 / Barclaycard £6360.70 / Lloyds £3560 / Tesco £972.50/ Dreams £259

    And don't forget the Student Loan! £10,765.93 (April 2017)
    • Purplemumof2
    • By Purplemumof2 12th May 17, 11:03 AM
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    Purplemumof2
    Things sound like they're picking up a bit, which is great.

    Well worth the chat about the dla and I agree that if you're entitled to it, claim it! It'll help you no ends.

    Glad that the housing were ok with regard to the payments and I think weekly will help masses with your budgetting.
    Official DFW Nerd Club - Member no. 791 - Proud to be dealing with my debts
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    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 12th May 17, 11:15 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Morning HI

    That's a lovely offer from your mum and does sound like good value overall, but why not think on it over the next week - get the rent stuff sorted out first before you commit to spending more money. Or be really open with your mum about how tight things are at the moment, maybe she would decide to treat you to the week without you needing to make a contribution this time? (You can always do something for her later in the year when you are back on your feet).

    Have you told your OH anything about the rent situation? I know that you have it all under control but I would be really tempted to tell him how much you are worrying and what the consequences of missing the payment might be (i.e. eviction!) and let him worry about it for a few days. You are doing such an amazing job of balancing your budgets, it doesn't sound like your OH has to deal with the consequences of his overspending at all and he doesn't have a real deterrent not to spend on tools again. (He's not the one making the calls to get extra time for the rent payment, for example.) I'm a bit worried that your OH is spending so much on tools, cigs and potentially has smaller loans from friends that you aren't aware of. Would he actually be able to stick to a food shopping budget while you were away with the kids, or would be overspend on that as well? You really are superwoman with the amount of budget juggling you are doing but you can't do everything by yourself, your OH has to be on the same page with budgeting otherwise you'll keep having shortfalls in the budget.

    Exploring Disability Living Allowance for your youngest is a great shout. I know that there is a lot of paperwork but it is well worth it.

    Good luck with ebay and the ALDI shop. I switched to ALDI a couple of months ago and I can't believe how great they are I'm converting everyone I know over to them!
    Originally posted by GeorgianaCavendish
    My mum is amazing in that she won't mind if I can't contribute, although I would feel like I'm taking advantage. In her eyes me going along is actually easier for her than her taking the older two kids alone, she's getting a bit old for climbing in soft play and water slides

    OH believes we can't meet the rent payment (which in a way is true! I want him to sweat about it and see what he comes up with? ) although if it's anything like before he really doesn't let it bother him. I'm the one who attended court to beg for the eviction to be suspended and arrangement to pay even though it was his 'fault' we gained the arrears.

    I'm going to speak to him about his wages and see if he'll either swap them to pay direct into my bank and I will transfer him an 'allowance' that we can't really afford however a big improvement on this week. Also speak to him about having the right to cash out tools etc before his wage is in and ask them to remove his account.

    Things sound like they're picking up a bit, which is great.

    Well worth the chat about the dla and I agree that if you're entitled to it, claim it! It'll help you no ends.

    Glad that the housing were ok with regard to the payments and I think weekly will help masses with your budgetting.
    Originally posted by Purplemumof2
    I hope so. It will mean I'll have £150ish into my account a week. That will cover rent gas and electric and DS school lunch. So worst happens we won't be homeless or sat in the dark and cold! Xx
    DFW £1313.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £466.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
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