Do I need to tell my wife any more details?

2

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  • SOMam
    SOMam Posts: 102 Forumite
    You seem to have your debts regardless of how little or large they may be under control midlander. Give yourself some credit and try to relax a little you seem a lot more on top of your situation than you believe. We all have our down days and there is nothing wrong with that.

    If you wife is happy to leave it all in your care then that is fair enough, but do make sure she is aware of where the paperwork is (should she decide to see how progress is going) and what you have in place in case of emergencies (which I hope will not be required)

    Hang on in there and do take a read of some of the DFW Diaries, they are really very inspiring and helps me to put my situation into perspective on my down days.

    Best of luck to you! :)
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  • Only you know how your wife will handle to truth, but if the situation is causing you stress, I would reccommend sharing the problem, if you feel she is up to it.

    I hid our debt from my hubby, looking back I'm not entirely sure why! I think I thought I could sort it out, and I was embarrassed, as i always gave the impression I had our finances under control. Our debt is the result of a bad investment, and not from any frivolous spending by either of us, but I just kept thinking I'd be able to keep on top of it....turned out I couldn't.

    By the time I came clean to the extent of the problem I was close to a breakdown, and our marriage was suffering badly. Confessing the problem was the best thing I did....we are working it out together, and our relationship has strengthened enormously!

    So, unless you feel your wife will stress badly knowing the truth, maybe tell her, and share your stress before it takes it's toll.
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  • GrinC
    GrinC Posts: 50 Forumite
    Ask her if she wants to know exact amounts. I'm pretty sure if i wanted to know then i'd speak up and ask. She might not want to know and it might be enough for her to know it's being dealt with.
  • National_Debtline
    National_Debtline Posts: 7,998
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    edited 30 July 2014 at 2:16PM
    Hello there,

    It's a difficult position, and one that is very common. Whilst I cannot really tell you what would be best in your situation (only you would truly know that) what I do know is that where people have told their partners, having information about what options they are looking to use to clear the debts has generally helped move things forward. Showing your wife that you've worked out a plan should show her that it's all under control.

    Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the very best with it.

    David @ National Debtline.
    We work as money advisers for National Debtline and have specific permission from MSE to post to try to help those in debt. Read more information on National Debtline in MSE's Debt Problems: What to do and where to get help guide. If you find you're struggling with debt and need further help try our online advice tool My Money Steps
  • leicestersq
    leicestersq Posts: 75 Forumite
    Why not write down the total debt outstanding month by month.

    Then after a period of time, show your wife the spreadsheet so she can see the debt coming down. Tell her the reduction in debt means that you have more money of your own each month, and that this will increase as you continue to pay back the debt.

    Then you have shown that a) you are in control, b) you have been open with her c) there is nothing for her to worry about.
  • gfplux
    gfplux Posts: 4,985
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    I would tell her what the debt was, in total, three months ago and show her how it has come down each month.
    I would then inform her at the end of each future month what the total is. She then has the broad picture and can see that you are dealing with it.
    Keeping her in ignorance is patronising and also may lead her to add to the debt.
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  • jodles16
    jodles16 Posts: 1,477
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    Hello!

    Just wanted to pop on and say well done for facing your debt and getting a handle on it! Perhaps using this forum to share and discuss your questions and overpayments etc might be useful if things are working at home as they are!

    I love the diaries on here, they are full of advice and might be a good way for you to share everything with like minded folk!

    Whatever you decide to do really good luck!

    Jodles :j
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  • National_Debtline
    National_Debtline Posts: 7,998
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    jodles16 wrote: »
    I love the diaries on here, they are full of advice and might be a good way for you to share everything with like minded folk!

    That's a great idea. If you haven't started a diary please do consider starting one. I think you'll find it really helpful.

    - David.
    We work as money advisers for National Debtline and have specific permission from MSE to post to try to help those in debt. Read more information on National Debtline in MSE's Debt Problems: What to do and where to get help guide. If you find you're struggling with debt and need further help try our online advice tool My Money Steps
  • Anoneemoose
    Anoneemoose Posts: 2,258
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    I don't normally comment here but felt I must add what no one else has picked up on (unless I have the wrong end of the stick). You say YOU have 30k of debt and your wife 10k (ish). You then say this was accumulated from wedding, maternity leave etc. These are not events which only you have been involved. These are things that have 'benefited' you both. So it is BOTH of your debt.

    I understand you may feel that you have more responsibility to look after these things and that you are letting your family down - this is so not the case. You got into this situation together and it seems like you are doing a good job of sorting it out together. You both seem happyish with you dealing with things and if that's the case, just odd updates every month or so as suggested sounds like the way to go.

    I said 'happyish' above because I am slightly concerned that you are a little more worried than you are letting on. Apologies if I am wrong though. If you are worried then it is probably something you should be able to share with your wife. It would be unfair for her to be in blissful ignorance and you having sleepless nights! (Again not sating this is the case). Or if you don't feel up to it, definitely share on here for advice. Although I don't post much, I do lurk and the advice is fantastic!

    It sounds like you are generally ok so if you are happy, carry on as you were so to speak! And give yourself credit for addressing the issues and putting a plan into place to resolve them! Good luck.
  • Sazzie23
    Sazzie23 Posts: 2,634
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    Why not write down the total debt outstanding month by month.

    Then after a period of time, show your wife the spreadsheet so she can see the debt coming down. Tell her the reduction in debt means that you have more money of your own each month, and that this will increase as you continue to pay back the debt.

    Then you have shown that a) you are in control, b) you have been open with her c) there is nothing for her to worry about.

    I would also go with this idea and/or the diaries, having hidden our debt from my (now ex) partner, I can recommend sharing it for reducing your level of worry. Sharing it when it's become a problem is too late. :o
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