The Ultimate Incentive muddles along

Hi guys, been catching up since I was last here. I gave up a little as I missed the banter when the thread used to run to pages a day, but more to the point I felt utterly useless as I couldn't get a handle on things, but we have a regular salary now, we're in a routine, I can't make any such excuses, the only reason I won't get on top of things now is because I've grown lazy about money management.

I had a bit of an epiphany a few days ago, I used to be great with money, focused, determined, in control. Now I spend like there's no tomorrow. I was chatting to a friend a few days ago, her financial situation is the complete opposite of mine - her husband is a pretty high earner, very very stable, he takes complete control over their finances but is quite tight with money. In contrast I have complete free rein, to the extent I think it's been over a year since NIM checked our bank account, and if we want anything we just buy it. We're in roughly £25k of debt, they have savings (although she has no idea how much) and will have paid off a mortgage on a house worth 50% more than ours within 10 years. Their plan is to take their kids travelling, pay foruni and cars etc once the mortgage is gone, when they're old enough to appreciate it, while we've taken the attitude with the children that so long as they enjoy it at the time, then there is value in it, and who knows what tomorrow will bring so don't wait for it. While I could never be okay not being allowed access or at least knowledge of our own money, it just hit me like a ton of bricks - my attitude shifted from planning and providing for my family, to living for today when Grace was a baby and we were told to make the most of every day because she wouldn't be with us long. While they said eventually it must have been a misdiagnosis, I've never 100% let it go. I live in daily fear of loosing Grace especially, but I'm probably a lot more morbid about both my kids than is usual. As a result the good bit is I never run out of time for cuddles, stories, playing silly with my kids, we have lots and lots of fun times together and are very very close. The bad bit is I can't ever turn down an adventure, a day out, a present for them and we're up to our eyeballs because of it. I'm short changing them long term by feeling like I'm tempting fate if I turn down a short term guarantee in favor of a long term plan that I'm so, so scared won't come to pass if I invest myself financially and emotionally. It has felt like whenever I've looked to far to the future the last few years something has gone horribly wrong, NIMs depression has only compounded this time and time again. I'm hoping the realization is enough for me to start saying no to things, material things especially. Even just choosing free activities more often will help, but buying less stuff in the hope it gives us the life without fear that I want would be a great start.

As suggested by tootallulah we're giving it at least a year before making any big decisions, we still think moving and doing up a new house might be the way to go, but NIM has just spent months doing up Ben's train room, and we're now on the final stages of making Grace a magical castle bedroom. Photos once I've painted the acres of mdf.

Also good advice from tootallulah was to go back to basics, and ebay like crazy, clear the clutter and the debt at once, as both have an equal negative impact.

ROTE, it's really inspiring to see your debt is similar to ours, but you're excited about a £6 recycling deal and £1.80 on a phone - I need to remember little bits add up and not to just throw my hands up in the air and run around screaming that the sky is falling in. Also CMD, slightly less than us but same ballpark. Somehow it makes me feel a lot better that others are in this same area, same long haul commitment needed, but I also realise that it is doable, which often lately I've forgotten.

We've continued battling with NIMs depression, it just invades daily life every day. Most of the time he's holding it together better, but he has a real night and day time of it, flick of a switch and he's in the darkest of dark places, completely fatalistic, where 10 minutes earlier he was doing okay. We're also now investigating if the diagnosis of garden variety depression is correct, as it looks like something else is at play that we need to diagnose and treat if we want things to ever be normal. We just keep getting the tablets stopped every few months and a new type started but nothing ever seems to really take him back to coping.

So, feeling utterly daunted to owe so much money right now. The fact it's only between 3 cards helps in a way, a few months ago it was spread over about 7 cards, and I couldn't keep track of anything. But this is a long, long road to turn my attitude around psychologically, and our finances actually.

On the plus side employment wise NIM is loving his new job, and I've been cleared to start teaching adults already so I'm just trying to source a new venue with evening availability, once I find somewhere 2 hours teaching a week will cover my monthly training costs, the other 3 weeks (and any classes above those 2 hours) are just profit. I'm not working for yogabugs anymore, I've gone private, as I can earn in one session what I was earning during an entire day with them. Already have 2 children's sessions going so my income is broadly similar but for fewer hours.

Cinny, was it Profit Accumulator or Profit Maximiser you used for matched betting? Really, really want to get started on this.

Hi Faceless - I feel like a let down as a diary keeper it's taken me 2 months to get back here and see your message... some pathetic part of my head seemed to think if I avoided the thread I wouldn't have to admit the debt was going in the wrong direction.

Thanks gothrock, I shouldn't need bigging up but right now I am very, very appreciative for someone coming out the woodwork just to say they believe I can more than I do myself.

Her first day of school was great Archers, she loves school and her teacher has called her a 'knowledge sponge' - so far she's still loving it - Tuesday is her favorite day of the week because it's the day she gets homework! (And goes to ballet, and tap, and her godmother comes for dinner - no midweek slump for my little lady)

Apologies for any typos, my space bar is severely playing up, supposed to send the computer back for a replacement key board but the idea of being without for 2 weeks is off putting to put it mildly.

So, not much to report today, it's nearly 9pm and Ben is still up, but I'm opening the computer regardless in the hope he'll decide being up is boring and he wants to go to bed. Although at the moment he's just bringing all the blankets from his bed and covering the two rocking horses, the dolls, the cat etc and saying night night to all of them.

2 year old assessment this morning, wasn't the appointment I thought I was going to so to get in and be told it's 2 hours of play based testing was a bit dauting, 2 year olds can't focus that long and by 80 minutes Ben just said 'no' to every question she asked him. On the plus side he came out above average or significantly above average for every variable they tested which is always reassuring. Quite how I don't know since his little beautiful mind also decided to eat the rubber from the end of Grace's giant pencil today.

After the appointment it was straight to pick up a friends children, as her husband was having a hernia op today, so I said I would have them for the day so she could bring him home from hospital, get him settled etc without having to worry about 2 under 5's. So had a very fun afternoon, but a very loud one, and now the house looks like a bombsite.

Going to do a little reading around profit accumulator/profit maximiser before bed.