I think I'm in an abusive relationship + I'm terrified
Comments
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I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and he’s sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.
Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wife’s parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wife’s fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a “joke” (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.
When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that he’s Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but that’s when he started making threats.
I’ve tried to break up and he’s made threats. “You don’t know what I’m capable of.” “Don’t test me.” “You wouldn’t want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?
Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but it’s hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so it’s possible he is still dealing drugs.
I’m finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
So a drug dealing, drug taking, alcoholic, womaniser who makes violent threats.
I think there might be a few red flags there.Hi there! We’ve had to remove your signature. It was so good we removed it because we cannot think of one so good as you had and need to protect others from seeing such a great signature.0 -
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The police take these kind of issues very seriously. I was reluctant to call them until encouraged by a friend who is a social worker and was overwhelmed by the support they gave me. It was a huge relief to talk to people who understood and could help me deal with the problem.
The threats that the OPs partner is making would certainly be taken seriously. They do also ask questions to try to understand the situation and validate it. Regardless of opinion as to whether this is true or not, if anyone in future is concerned about their relationship being abusive (or similar inappropriate behaviour from a friend, acquaintance or colleague) they shouldn't feel that it isn't important enough to involve the police. They'd rather hear from you (on 101 obviously, not 999 unless there is an immediate risk).0 -
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and he’s sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.
Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wife’s parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wife’s fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a “joke” (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.
When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that he’s Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but that’s when he started making threats.
I’ve tried to break up and he’s made threats. “You don’t know what I’m capable of.” “Don’t test me.” “You wouldn’t want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?
Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but it’s hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so it’s possible he is still dealing drugs.
I’m finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
With this in mind the earlier you leave the better.
Find a safe place and just go.0 -
Abusive relationships always get worse the longer you stay. He will always have to out-do the last time he made you suffer or abused you.
With this in mind the earlier you leave the better.
Find a safe place and just go.
Glad to see this thread has been moved from DT board.0 -
Isolt, contact the police. Tell them everything that you've said here. If he has a criminal record they will be able to see that. They should be able to 'flag' your address so that if you have to call them they treat it as high priority.
They will have a domestic abuse liaison officer who will be able to help you contact support services if you need them.
My local police support a service (they call it the 'Bobby Van') - workers who provide advice about things like home security and can fit alarms / additional locks etc . You pay for any work carried out but the advice is free (I think our local one gets some funding so that they can do work at reduced cost for those on low incomes). Yours may have a similar service.All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)0 -
I may be wrong (but hope not) but I got the impression that the OP wasn't living with this guy, just seeing him.
Glad to see this thread has been moved from DT board.
Excellent if she is not living with him. Getting away from him would be perhaps a bit easier.
I wish OP the best of luck.0 -
Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »Yes of course you are right. I just find it hard to believe that some people are so docile and put themselves in danger from bullies.
And the women who are battered or murdered by their partners - do you find then attacks & deaths hard to believe too?0 -
I've spent a lot of time on these forums over the years, and many different people have many different types of problems. Most of them get sensible and useful advice. Why would you suddenly decide that this particular problem was made up?
So - Isolt, I believe what you are saying. I believe that you have got in too deep with this guy and now realise that getting back out again is going to be difficult. Please ignore the perfect people on here with their perfect lives who have never made a mistake.
If you are in any doubt at all as to whether you are in an abusive relationship, please look at the checklist on this site. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
You can get out, you must get out. And you mustn't look back.No longer a spouse, or trailing, but MSE won't allow me to change my username...0 -
Its good that you realise there is an issue before its too late or more complicated ( kids / house etc). Why waste another second with someone like this? The sooner you break it off the better for your happiness and safety.
Tell him in no uncertain terms its over. I'd do it by letter / email for safety ( keep a copy). Ensure if he had a key that you change locks. Block his number and don't reply to emails. Tell your family / friends / workplace, so they know not to speak to him or unwittingly give him any info.
I agree with other posters that you tell the police. I'd probably not tell him that though. Hopefully he will move on and that will be the end of it and you can feel safe and happy again.0
This discussion has been closed.
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