Wedding/dealing with mother
Comments
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Glaswjen I don't have any advice other than to do all you can to have a lovely day and concentrate on being the bride who should be looked after and not burdened by problems on the day. It's a special day for you and your husband and nothing else matters. Very best wishes to you.0
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Sorry but this makes you sound a bit bridezilla-ish! My mum wore an outfit from John Lewis on our wedding day and she looked amazing. I would have fallen off my chair had she spent £1k on an outfit.jumpedtheshark wrote: »I think some posters are being a bit hard on the OP's point about the dress, etc.
I think what OP means is that her mother has purposely spent less to show her 'ungrateful' daughter how much less important she is to her mother. In most families, it's not about the money. But, in families where it is, this is just one of her mother's ways of trying to upset her daughter and undermine her self-confidence on her wedding day.
The second quote answers the first one (and all the other dress ones really). I wouldn't mind if she just wore a dress but it's the song and dance surrounding it, everyone knows that she spent weeks choosing the dresses for my sisters weddings and for this one she had to be dragged out shopping by my dad to choose something and ended up picking something she was in Debenhams that she's told everyone she doesnt like.What I don't understand is, if your dad's feelings would have been hurt if he didn't contribute then why hasn't he made sure you got the same contribution as your sisters?
He can't afford to. He's worked mega over time to scrape together the money he has given us and I really appreciate it. He's a self employed taxi driver and isn't in the best of health at the moment. Mum isn't working nearly as many hours as she used to and is no longer getting carers allowance for me so she basically has no income but spends money like it's going out of fashion. Dad doesn't know that she no longer gets carers allowance as she hasn't told him that she stopped looking after me last year. She expected me to allow her to keep claiming so she could have more personal spends but I told her she wasn't committing benefit fraud in my name. She could work all the hours if she wanted but she's not inclined. She is also a taxi driver and they both have their own licensed cars.
Mum controls all money going into the house, dad's much better with money but she won't allow dad to even have possession of his own bank card.0 -
My mum is very much like this, she only bothers with me now so she can see my kids. Or rather take pictures on them for her Facebook.
My mum told my future mother in law and all my friends at my hen party that if I had a boy she would take nothing to do with him! The woman is a screw ball. For some reason she doesn't understand that her son doesn't speak to her because she sent him to live with her dysfunctional ex in laws who refused to allow him a relationship with his mum or siblings. We used to sneak into each other's playgrounds to see each other at school. How we never had a social worker involved I will never know.
To my mum boys are just awful and she will only tolerate grand daughters.0 -
Don't have a seating plan and let people sit with whoever they like. I am sure as adults they will cope!2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000
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No offence but your mum sounds like a bit of a nightmare! :eek: And OH was wrong to not support you and go against your wishes. You say she never really showed any interest before yet she seems to want to take center stage in the wedding plans? As far as cousins go, sorry but you did invite them and they didn;t respond, so in my eyes that says they're not going, especially as you've already (near enough) paid for everything. As hard as it is i think you need to put your foot down, explain you invited them but they didn;t respond and you cant accommodate them now. If your mother doesn;t like than then tough **** she should have thought about that before meddling with things.0
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Kirklees1992 wrote: »The OP said in her first post that she had 5k handed over, I assume that's been from parents.
And commented that other people got 20k. I do think it's a bit odd saying in the one breath that you got 5 grand given to you for your wedding and then saying that your mum owes you 500 pounds from a few years back.
If you only just afforded it without getting into debt you could have had a wedding cheaper than 15 grand.
This really isn't a mess. You tell her no or you tell her to pay for your cousins.
Your biggest problem is with your OH, he was the one who insisted you run this table plan past your mum, if he hadn't none of this would have happened.
Did the OP not have ANY choice? Just because her OH insisted, did she HAVE to involve her mother in the plans, at this last minute?
Its about you and your OH, not about her. He's caused this drama, Id be asking him to sort it.
I absolutely do not think her OH is to blame. I think OP is. She always had a choice not to involve her mother at this late stage, when everything is set and she knew mum would cause trouble. Her OH suggested it, probably to keep the peace; did she have to do it? Nope.
The "Big girl's pants" should have been put on way, way before today. Starting with not accepting her flighty, unreliable mother's money to pay for part of the wedding.0 -
I agree with this.jumpedtheshark wrote: »I think some posters are being a bit hard on the OP's point about the dress, etc.
I think what OP means is that her mother has purposely spent less to show her 'ungrateful' daughter how much less important she is to her mother. In most families, it's not about the money. But, in families where it is, this is just one of her mother's ways of trying to upset her daughter and undermine her self-confidence on her wedding day.
The dress was just one example given by Glaswejen and it seems to have been jumped on by a few posters who appear to think she is being a bride-zilla.
Unless you have a Mother who is narcissistic (as the OP says her Mum is) or know someone like that, it's hard to understand why something that seems on the face of it to be such a small thing is seen as an act of 'sabotage'.
I can fully understand where the OP is coming from, knowing someone who is narcissistic.
It would be a shame if - because of a few things the OP has posted that are clearly a big issue to her but seem trivial to a lot of people - Glaswegan feels 'got at' when she has posted here in despair.
I'd hate to think that some of the comments posted have made Glaswegan feel even worse than she did before she posted.0 -
I absolutely do not think her OH is to blame. I think OP is. She always had a choice not to involve her mother at this late stage, when everything is set and she knew mum would cause trouble. Her OH suggested it, probably to keep the peace; did she have to do it? Nope.
The "Big girl's pants" should have been put on way, way before today. Starting with not accepting her flighty, unreliable mother's money to pay for part of the wedding.
Can I make it clear that my mum isn't flighty, she's scheming. This is what she does. The other half hasn't experienced her in this mode before and doesn't believe mums can be like this with their daughters. He just can't wrap his head around it and how could he? He's the much longed for only child who is doted on by both parents. Mother in law sympathises, I get the impression her mum was like this too, she's tried to steer other half away from involving my mum but they are a very traditional family and etiquette dictates that my mum should have a say. That was his logic when he arranged to bring the table plan to my parents house and mum didn't even appear to look at it, his flabber was well and truly gasted.
As for the money, see above. I have a step father who has been there for me since I was a toddler and he wanted to contribute to the wedding. He worked his backside off to give us the money and mum didn't contribute a penny of it (though he doesn't know that I know this, mum told me in one of her spiteful moments).
Mum doesn't have much of an income, she could have one but she doesn't work. She has everything she needs to work except the inclination to do it. She's not depressed, she isn't at home during the day because she can't be because then dad would work out that she's no longer helping me and their agreement all those years ago was mum would go part time and help me and he'd work more of the unsociable hours. She spends her time shopping, visiting people from the church, spending time with that uncle and she occasionally does some work so she can tell dad how awful it was and how she got skipped over twice for an airport job and someone allocated her to another zone and then a good hire went through to the zone she was sitting in. I work more hours than mum and I'm severely disabled and recovering from heart surgery.0 -
xXMessedUpXx wrote: »No offence but your mum sounds like a bit of a nightmare! none taken, she really is a nightmare. I used to fantasise that my friend and I were swapped at birth and her mum was really my mum, we were born in the same hospital on the same day within hours of each other :eek: And OH was wrong to not support you and go against your wishes. You say she never really showed any interest before yet she seems to want to take center stage in the wedding plans? I wouldn't say that, she's been completely indifferent to the wedding up until now, she's just throwing spanners in now that something hasn't gone how she wanted it to go. She wanted to sit one of those cousins with the affair uncle as they're from the same village but as they didn't rsvp I didn't know they were coming and that's what's set her off.As far as cousins go, sorry but you did invite them and they didn;t respond, so in my eyes that says they're not going, especially as you've already (near enough) paid for everything. As hard as it is i think you need to put your foot down, explain you invited them but they didn;t respond and you cant accommodate them now. If your mother doesn;t like than then tough **** she should have thought about that before meddling with things.
I texted her last night and said "sorry we won't be home tomorrow night, I'm off work during the day and could have come over to yours for an hour before physio but if you need to speak to both of us that probably won't work for you. It's unfortunate that "the family" didn't get any of the wedding stuff through, I posted it all to aunt X at Y address as this was the only address I had for them, it's the address we used for sisters wedding. It's too late to add people now as we have no space to accommodate them and the venue and venue dresser are both paid in full. You can tell them that they're welcome to come to the reception at 7:30 and if you send me their address I can have partner drive along and put an invitation through their door so they have the correct details about the venue"
I sent that at 9:30 last night, sat back and waited for the bomb to drop and her to phone me but she hasn't called. Put my phone in the kitchen to charge over night as I didn't want her to wake me at the back of 11 for one of her rants. She's not called or texted so no idea what's going on. I'll call dad later and ask if she's mentioned it. He knows the situation and said he doesn't know what's going on in her head but she's out of order.0 -
WOW, Glaswejen! :eek:I texted her last night and said "sorry we won't be home tomorrow night, I'm off work during the day and could have come over to yours for an hour before physio but if you need to speak to both of us that probably won't work for you. It's unfortunate that "the family" didn't get any of the wedding stuff through, I posted it all to aunt X at Y address as this was the only address I had for them, it's the address we used for sisters wedding. It's too late to add people now as we have no space to accommodate them and the venue and venue dresser are both paid in full. You can tell them that they're welcome to come to the reception at 7:30 and if you send me their address I can have partner drive along and put an invitation through their door so they have the correct details about the venue"
I sent that at 9:30 last night, sat back and waited for the bomb to drop and her to phone me but she hasn't called. Put my phone in the kitchen to charge over night as I didn't want her to wake me at the back of 11 for one of her rants. She's not called or texted so no idea what's going on. I'll call dad later and ask if she's mentioned it. He knows the situation and said he doesn't know what's going on in her head but she's out of order.
You're looking pretty fabulous in those big girl pants. :T0
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