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  • FIRST POST
    • robowen
    • By robowen 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    • 2,966Posts
    • 1,722Thanks
    robowen
    Beethoven Joke.
    • #1
    • 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    Beethoven Joke. 4th Feb 06 at 7:47 PM
    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
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    "He's decomposing!"


    rob
    If only everything in life was as reliable...AS ME !!
    robowen 5/6/2005©

    ''Never take an idiot anywhere with you. You'll always find one when you get there.''
Page 313
    • RitaCami
    • By RitaCami 19th Apr 17, 7:56 AM
    • 6 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    RitaCami
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 22nd Apr 17, 12:32 PM
    • 2,064 Posts
    • 8,521 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    Did a search on ebay last week for a lighter, 33,000 matches showed up in the results.
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Walk 2000 3000 miles in 2017 - 2701.5
    This week 69.7
    • bubblesbonbon
    • By bubblesbonbon 22nd Apr 17, 12:51 PM
    • 752 Posts
    • 1,866 Thanks
    bubblesbonbon
    I dunno!... there's no pleasing some people.

    I got up really early this morning, cut the grass then spent 2 hours in the greenhouse carefully nurturing seedlings for planting out.

    And what does my missus say to me??

    "All you've done all morning is mown and grown!!
    "It's nice to be important but more important to be nice"

    John Templeton 1912-2008
    • Head The Ball
    • By Head The Ball 30th Apr 17, 6:50 PM
    • 2,866 Posts
    • 6,500 Thanks
    Head The Ball
    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
    The guy left.

    A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
    The guy left.

    A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
    The guy left.

    The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

    A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
    The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

    Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
    Who'll remember the ones
    who only rode in them to die
    All their lives are just a smudge
    of smoke against the sky
    • VfM4meplse
    • By VfM4meplse 1st May 17, 6:21 PM
    • 23,554 Posts
    • 49,350 Thanks
    VfM4meplse
    Slave labour
    A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

    "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

    "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

    "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

    "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

    "That would be me," replied the Rancher
    Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!

    "No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

    Hope is not a strategy ...A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win...If in doubt, don't pull out... I love chaz-ing!
    • tommix
    • By tommix 3rd May 17, 1:03 AM
    • 35,401 Posts
    • 142,462 Thanks
    tommix
    Conjunctivitus.com..That's a site for sore eyes..
    • tommix
    • By tommix 3rd May 17, 1:08 AM
    • 35,401 Posts
    • 142,462 Thanks
    tommix
    When Cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 10th May 17, 8:08 AM
    • 3,928 Posts
    • 3,323 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    A man is in a taxi, and realises he needs some cash. He leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder, to ask if he can stop at a cashpoint.


    The driver screams and almost veers off the road.


    "Sorry", says the man, "I didn't mean to startle you".


    "It's not your fault", says the taxi driver. "I'm new to this game - I've spent the last 20 years driving a hearse".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 10th May 17, 8:27 AM
    • 3,928 Posts
    • 3,323 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    A man is driving through town, and stops at a set of traffic lights. The motorcycle in front of him also stops, then falls over and the rider goes sprawling across the road.


    The man gets out of his car and rushes over to help the motorcyclist. "Are you OK ?", he asks.


    "Yes", says the rider, "Just a couple of bruises. It's my own fault - I can't get used to being without the side-car".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • tommix
    • By tommix 24th May 17, 1:57 PM
    • 35,401 Posts
    • 142,462 Thanks
    tommix
    I bought a litre of Tippex today..Big mistake.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 4th Jun 17, 12:32 PM
    • 2,064 Posts
    • 8,521 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    A man I know has just been killed by a steam train - he was chuffed to bits!

    Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

    Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Walk 2000 3000 miles in 2017 - 2701.5
    This week 69.7
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 19th Jun 17, 8:25 PM
    • 26,058 Posts
    • 33,001 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    Went for fish and chips the other day, took the makings of a cup of tea with us. Took the dead tea bag from the cups and found we had forgotten to bring a bag. No problem says I we'll use a dog sh&*t bag. We can't use that the other half said, yes we can says I cos its Typoo tea.
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 29th Jun 17, 8:50 PM
    • 2,064 Posts
    • 8,521 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    Might be a bit too close to the truth for this site but................


    Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
    Mugabe tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
    One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
    "What happen to you?" Robert asks.
    "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
    "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
    The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Walk 2000 3000 miles in 2017 - 2701.5
    This week 69.7
    • givememoney
    • By givememoney 2nd Aug 17, 2:29 PM
    • 969 Posts
    • 1,218 Thanks
    givememoney
    Went for fish and chips the other day, took the makings of a cup of tea with us. Took the dead tea bag from the cups and found we had forgotten to bring a bag. No problem says I we'll use a dog sh&*t bag. We can't use that the other half said, yes we can says I cos its Typoo tea.
    Originally posted by peter_the_piper
    Dead right about Typhoo the one brand i won't buy
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 26th Aug 17, 10:21 AM
    • 2,064 Posts
    • 8,521 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    I hate when people ask me where I will be in 3 years time



    I have to tell them I don't have 2020 vision
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Walk 2000 3000 miles in 2017 - 2701.5
    This week 69.7
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 1st Sep 17, 4:04 PM
    • 318 Posts
    • 756 Thanks
    NaughtiusMaximus
    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

    The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

    God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat?

    The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'?
    God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.?

    About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'?

    The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life.. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 4th Sep 17, 7:08 PM
    • 3,928 Posts
    • 3,323 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    The owner of a pub is sitting in his bar late at night, working through his accounts. He notices a mysterious glow at the window. Looking up, he sees the ghostly figure of a cat, holding a severed tail in its mouth.

    "Please can you help me Sir ?", asks the cat. "I was run over by a car this afternoon, and my tail was severed. Because I'm not complete, I'm not allowed to enter Heaven. If you'd be so kind as to sew my tail back on, I can enter Heaven and rest in peace".

    "You poor thing", says the barman. "I'd love to help you, I really would - but I'd lose my license. You see, I'm not allowed to retail spirits after 11:00 pm".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • CKhalvashi
    • By CKhalvashi 5th Oct 17, 8:36 PM
    • 8,735 Posts
    • 24,614 Thanks
    CKhalvashi
    Did you know that if you hold the new £10 note to a Bureaux de Change, you can literally see the pound dropping through the clear bit?
    "I kada sanjamo san, nek bude hiljadu raznih boja" (L. Stamenkovic)

    Call me Remainer or Romaniac, but not Remoaner. It's insulting and I have the right to have my voice heard too.

    I can spell, my iPad can't.
    • benny81
    • By benny81 8th Oct 17, 4:30 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    benny81
    my wife didnt believe id made a fully working car entirely out of spaghetti.........
    you should have seen her face when i drove pasta......
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