Grave stone

Amara · 26 November 2014 at 9:15AM

I don't even know , why I'm posting.
My in laws died five years ago. There's still no grave stone for them. My husband has five siblings and nobody seems to bother. I said to him I'm happy to chip in, but everyone else has to pay as much.
It seems to be all forgotten. Nobody talks about it anymore .
Maybe I should just leave it? It's not my parents' grave. But it's sad.

amersall · 26 November 2014 at 9:26AM

I personally don't think you need a headstone to remember a loved one, memories are worth a lot more than a piece of stone.
If it was a child then I would certainly get one.

Amara · 26 November 2014 at 10:06AM

I understand what you're sayin, I'm just having impression everyone has forgotten the subject. Nobody said: " we won't have a gravestone" just "we will, we will" and nothing has been done.
Maybe I think about too much. For me, gravestone is a token of memories.

SailorSam · 26 November 2014 at 10:19AM

I think some grave stones look pretty obscene. I'd rather have something fairly simple. I would have thought that anyone that chose to bury a loved one would have naturally got something. Although there is no need for any sort of monument to remember them. My Mum was cremated so we only had her ashes to bury but it doesn't stop me going to see her and there are others basically standing talking to a piece of grass with no signs of who is there.

dzug1 · 26 November 2014 at 10:20AM

Maybe you/your husband need to be more proactive about it - get a quote or quotes and ask the other siblings for money. If they cough up - go ahead. If they don't then decide if you want to go it alone.

Errata · 26 November 2014 at 10:53AM

Amara wrote: »

I understand what you're sayin, I'm just having impression everyone has forgotten the subject. Nobody said: " we won't have a gravestone" just "we will, we will" and nothing has been done.
Maybe I think about too much. For me, gravestone is a token of memories.

They may not have forgotten but don't see a lump of stone as any sort of token of their memories and in 100 years time there may be nobody left to remember.

Spendless · 26 November 2014 at 11:08AM

I think this happens a lot in some families. People say they'll get round to it one day, often because they expect to be more 'flush' with money than they are at that point, time goes on, they don't have the cash to prioritise a headstone and no-one is inclined to start making it happen. DH says his parents talked about a headstone for his grandad when they could afford it. Grandad died when husband was a month old, he'll be 50 next year and there's still no head stone.

I read a short story once about this happening, the character bought the headstone, couldn't afford to get it erected and kept it under the bed! Next generations thought it a good idea but didn't have the cash either to have it put up and eventually another generation thought it gruesome and slung it.

I was thinking of both the above stories when I saw the title of your thread wondering if it was about the same issue.

If you specifically want one, then find out prices and ask the rest of the family about contributing, but be prepared that they may not be as eager to go ahead or wish to contribute

TBagpuss · 26 November 2014 at 12:49PM

I agree that if your husband feels that this is important, then he may need to be a bit more proactive - speak to some local stonemasons, get a couple of quotes, and then contact his siblings and tell them he has looked into it, and these are the options / costs.

If they do not want, or cannot afford, to contribute, then he can decide whether he would like to do something himself - this could be a headstone (although I would not do that unless the other siblings were willing) or it could be some other sort of memorial - when my grandfather died, a rose bush was planted for him in a garden of remembrance and his name appeared in a memorial book. Then after my grandma died, (about 12 years later) we put up a headstone for both of them) You could consider something like sponsoring a bench, either somewhere your FIL loved, or in the churchyard or cemetery where he is buried.

Bear in mind that it is is possible that some of the siblings are not moving this along because a headstone is so very final - it can be hard to take that last step when you are grieving. OR they may simply feel that it is a convention but not something personally important to them.

I personally don't feel that a headstone is necessary to remember someone you love - I know that many people get comfort from visiting a grave but it is not the same for everyone. I Your in-laws may be happy with things as they are. What is your husband's view? I think you need to follow his lead.

Amara · 26 November 2014 at 4:05PM

Thanks for replies.
My OH would like to put a gravestone, but we know not every sibling will want to / afford to contribute.

hcb42 · 30 November 2014 at 4:53PM

we havent got anything for my parents either (both cremated) we talked about it at the time, but didnt do anything, eventually I scattered their ashes - but even that took five years.

I dont think you can do anything if they dont want to or cannot contribute.

BobQ · 30 November 2014 at 8:08PM

My view is that it is often the living that want a headstone. The dead are usually not bothered when they are alive.

People who are cremated do not usually have headstones so are clearly not bothered.

Grave stone

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