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My in laws are snobs...

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  • jackyann
    jackyann Posts: 3,433 Forumite
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    Thank you Mojisola, and the same!
    For some reason I had in mind that this comment was not made in front of the children (for no reason!) but I do think you have a very valid point anyway.
    It is one thing for children to spend time in a home where the TV constantly plays adverts, outings are only to expensive 'play spaces' and toys are the latest gadgets - as I said, I do believe they can weather that.
    But if OP has the sense that the grandparents may undermine her to the children, well I agree that is a different matter - you picked up on it, I didn't.
    I do hope this little family can find a compromise - what a waste of time and emotion!
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,685 Forumite
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    flippin36 wrote: »
    MIL recently told DH that he had changed since he met me and I had ruined his life :(. When I asked her why she had said that she said "Its the way you live your lives and the influence you have on him. He used to have very high standards".
    What was your husband's response to his Mother when she said that?

    Is he with you in the way to spend/save money or could he be whinging about you to his parents behind your back?
  • flippin36
    flippin36 Posts: 1,980 Forumite
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    No not cutting contact. We just visit her with the children because it's easier when we are on her territory - there is less to find fault with. DH doesn't like her coming to the house either mainly because she has a history of being boundariless and controlling which can be exhausting (having to justify and defend yourself all the time). It also means we can leave when we have had enough. I'm sure it bothers her that we don't invite her over anymore but it is just easier....
  • flippin36
    flippin36 Posts: 1,980 Forumite
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    Pollycat wrote: »
    What was your husband's response to his Mother when she said that?

    Is he with you in the way to spend/save money or could he be whinging about you to his parents behind your back?

    He put his coat on and walked out. I visited her a few days later to get to the bottom of it as I was really shocked she disliked me so much. TBF she did apologise to me and said 'I went too far..' but then nothing really changed. Little digs here and there.

    Yes my husband loves being thrifty, we are singing from the same hymn sheet in that regard. I think he is glad I'm not materialistic. I'm more mortgage focused :).
  • jackyann
    jackyann Posts: 3,433 Forumite
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    That sounds reasonable for the time being. I hope at some point it can change, but for now, just stick to what you can cope with.
    In the meantime I'd have a little fantasy about freecycle plant lady saying to your Mil ' what a lovely, sensible dil you have! '
  • missile
    missile Posts: 11,689 Forumite
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    Cutting your own hair is a step too far for me, but it is your life get on and enjoy.

    If you don't like in-laws ignore them. Sticks and stones. It is unfair to expect hubby to follow your example, but you could ask him not to tell you what they say.
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home :iloveyou:
  • flippin36
    flippin36 Posts: 1,980 Forumite
    edited 11 October 2017 at 2:51PM
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    missile wrote: »
    Cutting your own hair is a step too far for me, but it is your life get on and enjoy.

    If you don't like in-laws ignore them. Sticks and stones. It is unfair to expect hubby to follow your example, but you could ask him not to tell you what they say.

    Which example please? Hair cutting?

    I have very long hair and just trim the ends every couple of months. He is rather thin on top so he just has a buzz cut. He likes it like that and its so easy.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,685 Forumite
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    flippin36 wrote: »
    He put his coat on and walked out. I visited her a few days later to get to the bottom of it as I was really shocked she disliked me so much. TBF she did apologise to me and said 'I went too far..' but then nothing really changed. Little digs here and there.

    Yes my husband loves being thrifty, we are singing from the same hymn sheet in that regard. I think he is glad I'm not materialistic. I'm more mortgage focused :).
    Walking out seems a bit passive to me.
    I'd expect more support from my husband in the same circumstances.

    You mention that your husband has a huge family but does he have any siblings?
    If he has, just wondering how she treats their partners.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,587 Forumite
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    It's easy for me to say but you need to have confidence in the life you and your husband have chosen. You are coming across as a bit insecure but if the comments bother you then you'll just have to find a way of dealing with it. It's fortunate that your DH shares your views so you can deal with it together. I'd suggest saying very little, perhaps just a look or shrug that shows you don't agree. If you must react just say we'll have to disagree on that one and change the subject.

    You obviously could live differently but choose not to. I'm very similar but make different choices. I am happy to shop in Aldi and charity shops but this week spent £80 having my hair done. We have one small television but I know many of my friends find it odd that we don't have a TV in every room and a Sky subscription like they do. It's horses for courses.

    If you really feel the need then explain your reasons like you want to be mortgage free or you don't believe in television or you don't want to be ripped off (that's my reason for using Aldi). But I wouldn't labour the point, they don't have to agree. Have the courage of your convictions and try to stop it getting to you.
  • flippin36
    flippin36 Posts: 1,980 Forumite
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    Pollycat wrote: »
    Walking out seems a bit passive to me.
    I'd expect more support from my husband in the same circumstances.

    You mention that your husband has a huge family but does he have any siblings?
    If he has, just wondering how she treats their partners.
    He has 5 siblings. His sisters are very much like their mother, in fact they trigger each other, very competitive and trying to keep up with each other. His 2 brothers on the other hand are down to earth and tolerant. One BIL we are very friendly with and he has been very supportive in how to 'handle' the family. He was actually the one to tell us to visit her on her own turf, that is what they do - and it worked. She tends to criticize their parenting mostly, but they are fab parents (both teachers and great with kids).
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