Relationship breakdown?

Newstart2017_2 · 17 May 2017 at 3:52PM

Hello

I don't really know where to start. My husband walked out on Sunday evening to have time to think about what he wants! He is currently with his parents while I remain in the marital home.

This was pretty much out of the blue, there have been some issues - he is currently snowed under at Work and has too many hobbies meaning he is very very stressed. Relationship wise we are a great team, he admits I am his best friend and he loves being with me. Sexually things are not great because I have an injury that is taking some time to heal. The sexual side of our relationship has been gone since December 😞

It came to a head because he has been offered a new job overseas which will involve him giving up his hobbies and me my job. He wouldn't talk to me about his views and kept putting it off - until Sunday. It has come out that he wants to 'restart' his life and isn't sure I can fit in to it.

I am heartbroken as I haven't been able to talk to him since he went and he won't tell me when he is coming back to talk. I know he has to think about things but I can't help but think he is just thinking how to tell me it is over 😞

I am now scared of the financial side of things - obviously I hope we can work things out but if he won't try where do I stand?

We have been together 10.5 years, married for 3 and owned a home in joint names for 9 years. We are not in the original house - we moved to this house 2 years ago.

I currently have 2 credit cards in my name, he has one in his. Mine total £16k (0%) his £4K - I am terrified that he won't let us use the equity to pay these off! I am earning less than half what he does and they have paid for holidays/house stuff etc so not my personal debt.

He also has shares totalling £18k which he views as his pension - would this be money that can be split?

There is equity in the house £80k so I would presume I get 50% but I really want to know that the debt is cleared 50% from the £80k as I will be left in a much worse position from this.

It is heartbreaking because he won't talk so I cannot even try and work out issues! We have literally just come back from a 3 week holiday of a lifetime and he was so happy - to me he is depressed and wants to run away from the stress of his job. Unfortunately he is adding me in to this 😞

All of our friends were his originally as I moved to be here so don't really have anyone I am close enough to talk to and this is so hard. Sorry for blabbing - any advice on anything gratefully received!

I never thought at 30 I would be in this horrible position 😞 Xxx

PeacefulWaters · 17 May 2017 at 4:06PM

No short term advice beyond take your time before making any big decisions.

Longer term, things will be ok. Different perhaps, but you'll get through it and be better for it.

mark5 · 17 May 2017 at 9:09PM

Debts are usually taken into account when splitting assets but you have a short marriage with no mention of children so assets may not be split 50/50.

Have you brought 50/50 of the assets into the marriage?

Mojisola · 17 May 2017 at 9:19PM

Newstart2017 wrote: »

We have been together 10.5 years, married for 3 and owned a home in joint names for 9 years.

mark5 wrote: »

you have a short marriage with no mention of children so assets may not be split 50/50.

The time before the marriage will be counted so the financial split should start at 50/50.

TBagpuss · 17 May 2017 at 9:27PM

Sorry to hear about this.

If the worst comes to the worst then in sorting out a financial split the aim is to be fair to you both. The start point is 50/50. A court would look at the length of the relationship, not just the marriage, so 10 years, not 3.

With debts, its usually about how the money was spent - who had the benefit of it. So if the debt was built up paying for stuff for both of you, like holidays, things for the house and so on, it would be normal for them to be treated as joint debt, and for them to be paid out of the joint assets.

Any debt used solely for your benefit or solely for his would usually not be treated as joint.

AS you earn less than him, it might be considered fair for you to have a bit more than 50% of the total assets, particualrly if that would make the difference between being able to afford to re-house and being unable to do so.

Any assets, in either name, go into the 'pot', so the shares in his name, and any actual pension either of you have would also be part of the 'pot'.

Because the overriding aim is to be fair and reasonable, it is of course open to either of you to argue that not everything should be split 50/50; sometimes if one person has (say) assets built up before the relationship started (such as a dormant pension, or shares they owned before the start of the relationship) it might be fair for them to keep that portion of the assets, or to have more than half of it.

Short term, it would be worth you and him both considering going to Relate of another similar organisation, or a family counsellor, to see whether you can work together to see whether the relationship is salvageable. You might find it useful to see someone alone if he won't go with you.

And also, on a practical level, see if you can do balance transfers for your credit cards to the longest interest-free deal you can find, so you have as long as possible to get them cleared, and can start to pay them down is at all possible.

Also think about your earning capacity and if/when you might be able to boost your earnings so you have options if he decides (or you decide) you don't want to stay together.

Have a chat with a solicitor - it's always better if you have some idea of what might happen and what choices you have. Hopefully you won't need them, but at least you'll know.

Good luck.

mark5 · 17 May 2017 at 9:43PM

Mojisola wrote: »

The time before the marriage will be counted so the financial split should start at 50/50.

For his shares?

Newstart2017_2 · 17 May 2017 at 9:48PM

Thank you for the responses! There are no children in the relationship.

The original deposit on our first house was his (£5k) 9 years ago - we moved from there after a year and used the equity for house number 2 - we are in house number 3 now.

I would like to hope that it does mean 50/50 - I don't earn as much but we do have a joint account and dip in as needed so don't pay a percentage. I am most worried about being lumbered with the majority of the debt as he will be in a better position than me afterwards either way 😞 Not feeling I should have more but my credit cards paid for joint holidays etc!

Thanks again for the help - I just can't think clearly at the moment!

Mojisola · 17 May 2017 at 9:51PM

mark5 wrote: »

For his shares?

Yes, all debts and assets are considered, including savings and pensions.

mark5 · 17 May 2017 at 10:00PM

Newstart2017 wrote: »

Thank you for the responses! There are no children in the relationship.

The original deposit on our first house was his (£5k) 9 years ago - we moved from there after a year and used the equity for house number 2 - we are in house number 3 now.

I would like to hope that it does mean 50/50 - I don't earn as much but we do have a joint account and dip in as needed so don't pay a percentage. I am most worried about being lumbered with the majority of the debt as he will be in a better position than me afterwards either way 😞 Not feeling I should have more but my credit cards paid for joint holidays etc!

Thanks again for the help - I just can't think clearly at the moment!

Don't go in to this assuming it's all over unless that's what you want, all relationships have high and low points!

Newstart2017_2 · 17 May 2017 at 10:14PM

Thank you everyone again!

It is not what I want at all - he is just such a closed book I cannot see that he is thinking of anything other than escaping everything in his life, including me &#55357;&#56862;

I called him as I feel I deserve a talk about it - he has agreed to meet tomorrow between Work and a commitment of his. I am going to try and talk and see if he will listen. I am also going to suggest counselling - I will go even if he doesn't want to.

TBagpuss thank you for the detailed reply - it is good to have a rough idea where I stand. I will look at seeing a solicitor if it goes wrong tomorrow.

Thanks again for the help - I am going to try and stay positive even if I feel that my world is about to end! Xx

gettingtheresometime · 17 May 2017 at 10:50PM

When you say he has hobbies that cause him stress what do you mean?
I only ask as hobbies are meant to relax you not stress you out! Have you ever suggested he drops some & if so what's his reaction?

Tbh it sounds odd...you don't apply for a new job if one of the sacrifices is you have to give up hobbies, especially if those hobbies are causing stress.

And tbh I'd be mighty naffed off if my oh graced me with an appointment between work & whatever commitment he has to discuss our future - I would expect him to give me at least that courtesy

Relationship breakdown?

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