silent treatment

FBaby wrote: »

In the real life, people get frustrated, annoyed, angry and deal with these feelings as best as they can. For some, it mean letting off steam, for others it involves taking time to process all the information and needing to be left alone whilst they do so.

My ex sulked as an olympic sport because he'd never grown up, didn't know how to act like an adult. We went to the doctors once together [ I had to go with him because he'd had a severe illness] and he just acted like the doctor was a teacher who was telling him off, because he'd never learnt to enagage as an adult.

After that, it became apparent to me he was never ever going to 'grow up'. or learn to communicate in a way that didn't involve shouting or being agressive or sulking when he didn;t get his way.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel abused by the agressive stuff, I just accepted it as part of who he was/is, but now, I wouldn't be putting up with that again, because life is short, and not everyone deserves chances because they won't help themselves.

We all like to make excuses for other peoples behaviour and shine a nice light on things, me particularly so, or I used to anyway. Now my world is far more black and white, and I'm through making excuses, or being too understanding.

I will not reward sulking so on those occasions it has happened to me, I treat the sulker as a petulant toddler and state, quite calmly and openly, that I'm going out now - when you are ready to act like a proper human being, let me know.

And I go, for as long and for as often as it takes for the message to sink in that sulking gets the sulker precisely nowhere but does deny them company, care and all the little pathway soothing that being in a relationship brings.

It's amazing how quickly some people start to drop such silly behaviour when they're running out of clean socks or there's a huge spider in the bath!

Long term though, I believe it to be a marriage wrecking stupidity.

My husband and I make a conscious effort to not insult each other, however annoyed we are. It is unnecessary.

We do occasionally snap a little bit (we are only human, after all). And we have some things that we both think we are right and never agree on, but we can live with our differences on those.

There are times one of us will go and do something else. Usually it is a build up of stressful things and the thing that has annoyed us is just the last straw. But silence and insults are not used as weapons. In your situation, I would dump him if he doesn't quickly grow out of that behaviour. (I'm all for giving one or two chances on most things).

We all like to make excuses for other peoples behaviour and shine a nice light on things, me particularly so, or I used to anyway. Now my world is far more black and white, and I'm through making excuses, or being too understanding.

The world is not black and white though, it's full of people with different perspective, emotions and way to deal with things. People who think behaviours are black and white, and consider that only white is acceptable tend to struggle building friendship, relationship etc... because of their 'my way or no way' attitude.

Of course, there are traits that are officially repulsive to all of us and maybe for some, a 'sulker' falls under that category, but ultimately, there are bound to be some behaviours we don't agree with, but accept because the rest more than make up for these.

One thing that I have learned in my marriage is that empathy and compromise is what a relationship prosper. Battling to change our partners or moaning constantly about them rarely ends well.

lewishardwick wrote: »

Silent treatment is infuriating.

However, even worse is saving it up and being subject to a tirade of verbal abuse in front of all my friends. To the point where I'm no longer invited out to gatherings.

Sounds like my ex-wife. She would open all the windows before she started. Presumably to give the neighbours the benefit too.

I'd much rather have the silent treatment than a confrontational, everything is black and white, screaming harridan from hell. It's not an attractive trait. Best to get rid.