Feel Sad

I'm writing as I'm in a similar situation to you, but coming at it from "the other side" so to speak. My Mum died very suddenly 2 years ago, leaving my Dad, myself and my three siblings. We all work full time, and my sister and I have children.

Since we lost Mum Dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and recently suffered a stroke. My younger brother and I do all of the caring for Dad. I drive him to do his shopping, to his hospital and Doctors appointments and take him out a couple of days a week to get him out of the house. I cook Sunday lunch for us and do all his paperwork/admin/banking etc. My brother Dad's food 6 nights a week, ensures he's taken his medication. Between us we do his all of his household chores and I've just completely redecorated his bathroom for him in my "spare" time.

My other brother and sister live in the same city but hardly ever do anything to help Dad. My sister visits once a week and my brother maybe once a month. They call once a week.

It's really hard when you feel your family should be pulling together as a team, and each individual "doing their bit" to help. We've tried discussing this with our siblings, and things change for a couple of days, then go back to how it was.

All I can say is that time with your Dad now is time you'll never have again. I so wish I had spent more time with Mum before she died so unexpectedly. I, like you was very busy, dashing from work to the gym or a class or to do something for my husband and children. One day she was here and the next she was gone.

Your Dad will have put in endless hours taking care of you and your siblings as a child, and surely it isn't impossible for you to set aside a couple of hours a week to drive down to visit him. Perhaps you could take him out to somewhere he enjoys, or share a meal? You can make all the excuses under the sun about "being too busy" and to be honest I think you saying he'd know something was up is a non argument, but believe me, you'll have all the time in the world to yourself when he's no longer here and not around to call or visit. Have a chat with your siblings and ask them what you can do to "do your bit" and ease the load on them a little. Believe me they'll be incredibly grateful and will welcome any effort you can make with Dad.

jhgkp wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. I didn't realize how selfish I have been. When I moved away years ago (10 hour drive then), I spoke to my Mum each day. Now I call Dad once a week - he asked me to not call him all the time. I have emailed my siblings asking if I can help more (easiest way to communicate with them). My older sister always makes the remark when I do go down unannounced what do I want. Don't want anything, just want to see my Dad.

I was in the same situation when my dad was failing after mum died.
There are 3 of us, 2 sisters and a brother. One sister lived a good hours drive away where as I lived in the same town as dad. My brother was pretty useless but did do a lot of 'keeping dad company' while I was doing the cleaning, shopping, making meals on a daily basis, changing the beds, running to appointments etc.

Sis was always 'trying to get over to see dad' but 'working all hours' or 'got car problems, or 'babysitting her grandchild' etc.

I was also working full time and looking after my disabled husband and I was shattered as every day was a challenge timewise.

I was always at the end of the phone for dad and would find myself having to go back to him less than an hour from leaving him for some 'emergency or other'.

I began to feel very resentful of my sister. It wasnt that I wanted to do less for dad it was the assumption by her that it was ok for me to be always on call.

I would try to get her to help but she always used the fact that as she was a hour away there was no point in her coming after work as she would only have a short time before she had to go home.

What really got to me (and this may be the was your sister sees things) was that when she did show up dad was so pleased to see her it was almost like a royal visit! I went one Sunday afternoon, having already been there earlier in the day and when I walked in I found my sister sitting on the couch watching tv with dad. She had apparently been there 2 hours and had done nothing more than make a brew. Dad was smiling and said to me 'Look, our H

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is here' as if she was doing a great favour turning up. He was then later telling the district nurse how nice it been to see his daughter and how she had made the effort to come 'all that way to see me'. Whilst muggins was just on hand every day.

I nearly lost it when she said 'I could have done some jobs if I had known what you wanted me to do'.

Thats why your bit about 'asking if I can help more' rang bells. Because if my sister had used those words I would probably have snapped back at her- 'Why do you need to ask, you know you could help more but its not up to me to tell you what to do. No-one tells me what needs doing, I just get on with it'

I really felt taken for granted by my sister and brother as it was just assumed I would do everything.
Caring for dad wasnt optional for one sibling so why should it be optional for the others.