Advice needed

gettingtheresometime · 1 December 2017 at 2:59PM

KiKi wrote: »

I agree, it's not right for her to tell you what to do - but I think you need a conversation to understand why. And when I say 'why', I don't mean "why on EARTH are you stopping me, what's your problem?" but "after our conversation the other week I was wondering how you're feeling, because I'd really like to know if there's something that's upsetting you".

It sounds like she's feeling perhaps insecure, menopausal, invisible, comparing herself to this other woman, maybe? Do you have your own kids and grandkids? If not, is there something about this child feeling a bit like a grandchild to spend your time with? Or has someone said something to her to suggest that your behaviours isn't okay, and she's got worried about it? You need to understand where this has come from - but do it gently without rowing.

I don't agree it sounds like a controlling or potentially abusive marriage, though. People say things, and unless they go alongside other behaviours, or there's a pattern, then I wouldn't be concerned at all.

I'd agree - if the friendship was ok beforehand then something has caused the wife to change her opinion and it's this you need to discuss.

NeilCr · 1 December 2017 at 3:08PM

KiKi wrote: »

I agree, it's not right for her to tell you what to do - but I think you need a conversation to understand why. And when I say 'why', I don't mean "why on EARTH are you stopping me, what's your problem?" but "after our conversation the other week I was wondering how you're feeling, because I'd really like to know if there's something that's upsetting you".

It sounds like she's feeling perhaps insecure, menopausal, invisible, comparing herself to this other woman, maybe? Do you have your own kids and grandkids? If not, is there something about this child feeling a bit like a grandchild to spend your time with? Or has someone said something to her to suggest that your behaviours isn't okay, and she's got worried about it? You need to understand where this has come from - but do it gently without rowing.

I don't agree it sounds like a controlling or potentially abusive marriage, though. People say things, and unless they go alongside other behaviours, or there's a pattern, then I wouldn't be concerned at all.

Agree with this

Have the conversation (gently). It doesn’t sound like controlling behaviour to me, either. And I’m someone (as is my partner) who won’t be told what to do.

svain · 1 December 2017 at 3:09PM

bagpussbear wrote: »

Your wife is feeling insecure about the situation. Perhaps she has grounds to, perhaps not.

At the end of the day, who is more important to you - the neighbour or your wife?

Drop the neighbour.

Dropping the neighbour without grounds justs set an unhealthy precedent for the future.

onomatopoeia99 · 1 December 2017 at 3:09PM

svain wrote: »

OMG! .... You really think based on this scenario there is abuse likely?. For goodness sake, based on the info given this is just hysterical thinking and way over the top

I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.

svain · 1 December 2017 at 3:16PM

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.

It is hysterial! ... This seems to be just an isolated and pretty innocuous disagreement. At this stage, suggesting it is something far more sinister and that they should start setting up an escape fund is irresponsible

WibblyGirly · 1 December 2017 at 3:16PM

Does your wife want a baby?

Pollycat · 1 December 2017 at 3:16PM

ska_lover wrote: »

Your wife does not come across as the controlling clingy type, as you say, this friendship has been going on for ten years - and if your wife was controlling, this would have been a problem before now. Something has changed.

Something has changed here and I don't feel that your wife is the one with the problem when she has happily accepted this friendship for a decade..

Exactly this ^^^^.

It may be something like a chance comment from a friend, maybe something like 'your chap seems to get on well with X and her child'.

Or maybe she's noticed X being (in your wife's opinion) too friendly towards you.

Or maybe you've said something innocuous that she's picked up on and got her antennae twitching.

You need to find out what it is that recently changed your wife's opinion of the relationship between you and X.

Has she said just the visits to X's house must stop or has she said she doesn't want them coming for a meal?

ska_lover · 1 December 2017 at 3:25PM

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I know two people who were gaslighted and ended up feeling trapped in abusive relationships that turned violent, and in both cases it started with the partner isolating them from friends for what seemed superficially "reasonable" reasons. It's a major red flag and I'm sorry you think it's hysterical to warn about it.

I think you are over the top too. To label someone as abusive based on the tiny bit of info you have on a COMPLETE STRANGER, is serious conclusion jumping. Sorry but it is, its illogical

I think your past has you twitching at the first sign of trouble, and I am sorry to hear that

getmore4less · 1 December 2017 at 3:39PM

henry24 wrote: »

I would like to keep her as my wife. It came out of the blue after all 4 off us had a day out. Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason. They are not more important to me than my wife I just enjoy my time with the child which may only be a couple of hours every 2 weeks it's not a daily thing

Something happened on that day out.

seven-day-weekend · 1 December 2017 at 3:51PM

getmore4less wrote: »

Something happened on that day out.

That's what I was thinking. Maybe the young woman has made it apparent to the older one that she looks upon her husband as something other than a surrogate Grandad.

As someone else has said, women are good at noticing these things.

Advice needed

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