Flo's Debt Free Diary

Florence_J · 14 June 2017 at 8:46AM

I have just spoken to my manager, and it could have been a lot worse, she said it was unfortunate but that they would help and see what they could do.

I am seeing my doctor at 10.20 to discuss my next steps or maybe if my referral for checking for BPD, or NHS counselling could perhaps be upgraded to being a bit more urgent.

My dad will phone me between 9-10.

My mum said yesterday she would send me some money and she didn't even give me a chance to protest, saying that I hadn't asked for it, it was a gift, and she would do the same for all her children and if she could she would give us the world.

I wanted to set some ground rules for this time off work, but OH wouldn't let me pressure myself in any way, or set myself limitations, so we have instead set a guideline that this time off work is 'not a holiday, but also not a jail sentence' meaning if it makes me feel better I should do it, but I shouldn't use this as a chance to just be a slob and sit in my underpants all day (now there's an attractive image)

Although over the weekend I was doing a lot of cycling I have suddenly lost a shed load of weight, 12 pounds in nearly 8 weeks with the bulk of that over the last two weeks, and most of that amount in the last week. Normally I would be overjoyed but I know it is just because eating has been far from my mind, and the concept of preparing food has been beyond me at most points.

I still feel in shock. I kind of feel that a irreversible change has happened, that this is year 0. That things have been reset. That I am at the point of no return.

It is sad to wake up and see that London has been tragically hurt again. But I am glad my brother is ok.

jvr · 14 June 2017 at 9:24AM

H Flo,
I'm so sorry your going through so much and that you feel any guilt or pressure for needing the time off. Would you feel the same if it was a physical illness... its really no different! Have you heard of the spoons theory... it is mainly aimed at things like chronic fatigue but I think it might help you with your time off so have a google. Your OH is absolutely right that you need to make sure you don't lock yourself away, I found it really hard to go out when I was off with stress as I felt guilty but it is about getting yourself better and being able to go on a walk/ out for a coffee is not the same as being ready for work.
I wish the world was more understanding for you, but I think you know many of us here understand your situation and why the time off is crucial to you getting yourself in a better place and you should feel no guilt for that. Have you contacted Mind yet?
I would say the food thing is probably far from your mind right now but agree with someone else said that maybe have a basic shopping budget and if OH wants things on top of that he budgets himself for that and it allows you to spend less but if dealing with that feels too much right now put it to one side and tell yourself you will deal with it in the future. My one bit of advice from my own experience is not to plan too much in, give yourself simple plans or jobs for the day but not too much (if you don't manage them remember to tell yourself its okay and you just didn't have enough spoons that day - will make sense if you look up spoon theory!)

Look after yourself

Florence_J · 14 June 2017 at 9:33AM

jvr wrote: »

H Flo,
I'm so sorry your going through so much and that you feel any guilt or pressure for needing the time off. Would you feel the same if it was a physical illness... its really no different! Have you heard of the spoons theory... it is mainly aimed at things like chronic fatigue but I think it might help you with your time off so have a google. Your OH is absolutely right that you need to make sure you don't lock yourself away, I found it really hard to go out when I was off with stress as I felt guilty but it is about getting yourself better and being able to go on a walk/ out for a coffee is not the same as being ready for work.
I wish the world was more understanding for you, but I think you know many of us here understand your situation and why the time off is crucial to you getting yourself in a better place and you should feel no guilt for that. Have you contacted Mind yet?
I would say the food thing is probably far from your mind right now but agree with someone else said that maybe have a basic shopping budget and if OH wants things on top of that he budgets himself for that and it allows you to spend less but if dealing with that feels too much right now put it to one side and tell yourself you will deal with it in the future. My one bit of advice from my own experience is not to plan too much in, give yourself simple plans or jobs for the day but not too much (if you don't manage them remember to tell yourself its okay and you just didn't have enough spoons that day - will make sense if you look up spoon theory!)

Look after yourself

Thank you, I will look up spoon theory.

Florence_J · 14 June 2017 at 11:59AM

I have come back from the Doctor, and she is going to try and escalate my referral for assessment but again was honest about the fact that at best that might mean my initial assessment comes along quickly but the bulk of assessments will still take a long time.

I went to my local Mind centre and am going to an assessment on Monday.

I feel hollow, my eyes are sore, the skin around them is like sandpaper, but things may be ok.

Florence_J · 14 June 2017 at 3:41PM

I have gotten into a bit of an anxious state, worried about what people will think of me, worried about money, worried about work, worried about what my boyfriend's parents will think of me.

I have texted, messaged and called more people in the last 24 hours then I have done in the last year probably.

I had a good chat with my brother on the phone, the one who lives in London but has avoided every bad thing that has befallen London recently. We spoke about anxiety, he has certain social anxiety issues too, we spoke about running and he recommended, in as kind a way as possible, that I concentrate on losing weight first and take a 3-4 month break from running. It is so tempting to run though. I guess because I don't know what my mind can do I want to concentrate on what my body can do.

I can't believe my mind has betrayed me like this, but I guess I have been doing a poor job of looking after it.

enthusiasticsaver · 14 June 2017 at 4:25PM

Exercise is good for warding off depression so maybe walking or swimming would be something you could focus on initially.

Eating regularly and healthily is again something which will help you get better along with drinking lots of water. A kind of detox.

What do you like doing to relax? Watch TV, read a book or listen to music. You do need to be kind to yourself.

crazy_cat_lady · 14 June 2017 at 6:32PM

Hi Flo :grouphug:

I'm sorry it's all come to a head like this, but now that it has then you can focus on making progress. Getting yourself better has to come first. Job, work, etc will come round once that is sorted. You are doing all of the right stuff - it's not going to get better overnight but it will get better. You're already working on it. Please try and stop giving yourself a hard time about it - it takes as long as it takes, 28 days, 28 weeks, 28 months. One day at a time and one step at a time.
Make sure you stick to a routine, sleep, shower, lunch etc. It might be the last thing you feel like doing but it will help and stop you from falling into a deep depression. Sorry if I sound patronising, but it's what I do with OH when he is at his worst mentally. I hope that your OH is supporting you and helping as much as he can.
Lots of love to you.

armchairexpert · 15 June 2017 at 6:32AM

Wait, what? Why would you stop running, which relaxes you and releases endorphins, in order to concentrate on losing weight which will do nothing for your mental health (and probably make it worse?)

Do the things that help you feel better. Not the things you think will make you a more worthy person. You are already a worthy person. You deserve to live a happy life just as you are, right now.

jvr · 15 June 2017 at 10:56AM

I second running - it really helps my mental health, especially learning that not every run has to be my best and when struggling just to slow down and enjoy it and its fine.
Have you ever tried yoga.... its really helped me there is an amazing yoga youtube channel called yoga with Adrienne.
I totally understand your feelings but please remember you are not well and you should not feel guilty for that fact - easier said than done I do realise!

Florence_J · 15 June 2017 at 12:28PM

Thank you guys,

After a streak of about 6 days where I was waking up at 4.30am I finally managed to catch up on my sleep and as a result only woke up about 20 minutes ago.

But I do agree about the need for a routine and I won't make a habit of this.

I think walking and cycling will make up the most of my exercise regime, just because for me running is such a mentally taxing form of exercise. I can't run if I'm even in a little bit of a bad mood. The other thing is I still need to have an x ray on my leg to see if I have a stress fracture-that will be next friday.

I have read a great book called 'Grace Under Pressure' by Sophie Walker which is a running memoir but also a love story about a mother trying to help her daughter who has asperger's navigate mainstream schools and a world that doesn't understand.

I think I will also re-read 'Leap In' by Alexandra Heminsley. I love her books. She has also written a running memoir called 'Running Like a Girl' and I may re-read that. 'Leap in' is about cold water swimming, and also how Heminsley keeps her sanity whilst undergoing IVF.

I also took out lots of books from the library about Hygge-now I know Hygge is more of a marketing concept than anything else outside of Denmark, and I don't particularly need to be told how to be 'cosy' but I like thinking about how there is a cosy part of the year to come.

I have taken out some of Ruby Wax's books, and I will be going to a depression/anxiety support group this weekend.

Yesterday I went for an evening stroll around the lovely parks here with my boyfriend and I was in a bit of a state initially and thought I might throw up but I saw some lovely sites-such as a family of swans-and we got some ice creams.

I think I may have got my appetite back a little bit.

I think today I will walk to the library and take out some books.

I may do a cycle, but only if I have enough 'spoons' (i looked up spoon theory, thank you JVR)

I told boyfriend that I want him to treat me normally, which means he is allowed to pout if I watch 'Eat Well For Less' over and over again rather than treating me delicately.

I have decided, but I am keeping it a secret, that I am going to run a half marathon for Mind. I am thinking of doing the March 2018 Newport Half Marathon, but I may give myself more time, especially as I don't know what the x ray will say about my leg.

I wouldn't say I feel 'good' but I don't necessarily feel 'terrible'

Flo's Debt Free Diary

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free