14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
Comments
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my-user-name wrote: »Hi Primrose,
I'm still stripping,painting and decorating...........I'm on to the bathroom now lol
I mentioned the money he put into my bank account(one grand less that he agreed on but hey ho),well the other day I received a letter from him,through my door,no stamp on it.
It was a weird one:( stupid things to begin with like "I have just the best nights sleep ive had in months because I now know you can no longer get under my skin"then he said " I now realise I am completely over you and if you want to be cold then I can be colder"
He finished off by saying "there will be no more money today or any other day.I ma going to concentrate on my family,my home,my life"His final words were "so leave me in peace to get on with it.Goodbye"
Havent got a bloody clue what he was on about??? I could of contacted him but I didn't.
However a neighbour who I know seen him coming away from my flat and spoke to him.He said to him"neither of you look happy since you split up" and he replied "well it was her choice" erm no it bloody wasn't
Men I,ll never understand them
Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).
Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.
Oh well, never mind.
PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
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Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).
Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.
Oh well, never mind.
PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.
Hi Joe,
I think you've hit the nail on the head explaining why he said thewords about my coldness and how its my choice,it confused me greatly but I'm beginning to think your spot on.As for reining me in,I went the opposite!
As for my decorating Jo,I decided at the beginning I would decorate all the rooms my friends could see lol starting with the hallway that anyone could see,leading on to the living room.Now its the bathroom,straight afer its the turn of the kitchen,a quick once over for the spare room and then finally my bedroom(NO ONE WILL HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL OF SEEING THAT ONE!) lol My bedroom will be "my special" room which I will make so beautiful,Im determined on that.
Once its all done I'm going to have a massive party to celebrate!
Then what do I do with the rest of my life????:(0 -
Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.
Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell "You won't bloom until you're planted" - Graffiti spotted in Newcastle.
Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind - Doctor Who
Total overpayments in 2021 - £901.28!0 -
VintageHistorian wrote: »Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.
Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell
Great advice Vintage.
Ive already picked a holiday and I will be going the first week of July,it would be fabulous if all my decorating could be finished by then!!
Its a place I went to about 12 years ago,yes with him but I'm happy to say there wont be any memories of him surrounding my visit due to the fact he hated it there because it was too quiet but I absolutely loved it! It has the beach,the peaceful surroundings,beautiful restuarants and bars,very friendly locals,well it did 12 years ago lol
Ive done a lot of research on this place and it actually seems to have changed very little except a few hotels being built there but when I was there it was peace on earth and I loved it so much.(yes we went halves on the cost of the holiday):(
The day we arrived a local dog(the local busmans) adopted us!! it stayed with us all week,it followed us to the shops,the beach,the bars,the restuarants(just stayed outside waiting for us),the day before we left we gave it a well needed bath and he looked lovely.
We christened him "El Scruffy !!!!!!!o" lol I actually cried my eyes out on the day we left but we found out later the second we left he simply chose another couple to adopt,he,d been doing it for years!! So I have happy memories there and this is the reason why I'm going back.(just got to do shed loads of overtime in the next few weeks for spending money.
I think for now I will concentrate of finishing my home and doing enough overtime to have a good holiday,once I get back I,ll feel more relaxed and this is where my new life will begin God willing.0 -
That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.
You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.0 -
That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.
You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.
Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
Does that sound stupid?:(0 -
No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.
I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.
If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.
Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.
I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.0 -
my-user-name wrote: »Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
Does that sound stupid?
Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.
As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.
The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.0 -
No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.
I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.
If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.
Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.
I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.
I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end. 0
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