Bereft and Broken

I feel very sad that my first ever post on this site is about debt and depression. I’m afraid it’s not a positive post – I don’t feel very positive at the moment, but I have no one to help me. I also apologise for the length. I have read diary after diary, post after post on this site and have been truly inspired by the help given to those in need. I am hoping that even just by getting this out there I start to feel better.

So, what has happened? I finally had my LBM last week. I was on the floor on my hands and knees having a panic attack. I was lonely and afraid and I felt utterly broken. What started it? The realisation that I no longer had the money to keep paying the minimum amounts on my ever increasing debts, and the fact that it was the anniversary of my Dad’s death some two years ago, and I still don’t seem to be coping very well.

I am under the GP – I take anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, migraine tablets and an antibiotic for something which rears up in times of acute stress. I have decided I need to go back to the doctor as the panic attacks are fairly new. I have suffered from them in the past but thought I had them under control. I’ve now had two bad ones in two weeks and I feel constantly on edge, like my whole body is shaking but no one can see.

I decided also that I needed to speak to someone about my debts. It was a comment that someone posted on their diary about the cost of teenagers. My son isn’t a teenager yet but in a few years’ time he will be. I don’t want to be the Mum who can’t afford to send him on school trips or within reason pay for the kind of clothes he would like to wear and not what Mum buys him now from the charity shops. I want to do this now, make this change for him, and of course for me as it’s killing me.

After that day I brightened up. I started to plan a few things and today sat down and made it my first priority to go on the Stepchange website. I did the Debt Remedy but I feel now I am back to square one. The results left me in a deep dark depression. I felt so ill and shattered that I just cried and ended up going to bed. Basically I don’t earn enough to offer a sufficient amount to my creditors so a DMP wasn’t the option. The option suggested was bankruptcy. I don’t own the house we live in – it is in my husband’s name, as are all of the utilities which he pays for. I pay for groceries and clothes and presents and everything else. I haven’t told him about my debts and for reasons I just can’t bring myself to go into here I can’t tell him. Maybe when I’m clear about the route I’m taking and have made a few inroads then I may tell him as hopefully I will be stronger, but I have to think about our son and my health. I fear if I go down the bankruptcy route we could end up losing this home and it isn’t even in my name although after several years I’m sure I have some claim to half of it.

I was advised to make token payments to my creditors and in the meantime think about what route I could take to reduce my debts, and then re-contact Stepchange if my budget changed. I thought I could just pick up the phone and someone would help me? I don’t think I can do this alone. I’m prepared to do the token letters and payments and even talk to creditors but I wanted someone there who would help me through this. After I picked myself up this evening and gave myself a good telling off for continuing to be negative about all this, and reminded myself again that I was doing this for my son, I thought maybe I should ring Stepchange anyway in the morning and actually talk to someone. So I think that is what I’m going to do.

I also have another bank account sat in the wings, unattached to any debts I have so tomorrow I am going to see my employer and ask to change my wages over to the new account. I am due a little overtime at the end of August so I am thinking that rather than chuck this at my minimum payments as I have been doing, leaving myself with nothing and then resorting to using credit cards which I can no longer do, I will try to start some kind of emergency fund if there is anything left.

I have not broken anything down yet for here but I owe approximately £26500, over credit cards and two overdrafts and I simply have about £460 coming in each month from one part time job. I did have three which I worked around school runs and my husband’s job so childcare wasn’t required, but due to bereavement and a further family complication I had to give two of them up. I have since been selling my things on eBay to try and keep up with repayments, but also adding to my credit cards when there wasn’t enough. I know I’ve been an idiot. It’s time to make this right.

I will try to keep coming back to this to update what has happened but some days are very tough and I can’t always seem to cope. I am hoping that I can get a DMP in place and start to record it over on the diary forum.

Thank you for reading.
LBM Jul 16 £26,823.83, Nov 16 £27,961.98, Dec 16 £26,977.66, Jan 17 £26,884.76
EF #205 £0/£1000
«13456728

Comments

  • sourcrates
    sourcrates Posts: 28,717
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    Hi,

    Bankrupcy not so bad nowadays you know.

    It's all done online and via the post, no need any longer to appear in court, just pay the fee, and roll the dice basically.

    After a year you are, normally, discharged, if you have any spare income, you may have to pay towards your debts for a short time (IPA).

    After that you are free to start again, and after 6 years, all trace will be gone.
    Nothing to be afraid of, if that's the only option for you, then take it !!!!
    I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Debt free wannabe, Credit file and ratings, and Bankruptcy and living with it boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.For free non-judgemental debt advice, contact either Stepchange, National Debtline, or CitizensAdviceBureaux.Link to SOA Calculator- https://www.stoozing.com/soa.php The "provit letter" is here-https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2607247/letter-when-you-know-nothing-about-about-the-debt-aka-prove-it-letter
  • dancingfairy
    dancingfairy Posts: 9,069 Forumite
    Hi, it sounds like despite being in a dark place you're doing a lot better than you think. You realise there is a problem and that you need to make changes and look after yourself.
    You're under the doctor.
    You've started the process of reviewing all the different options.
    You've started thinking about getting the bank account sorted etc.
    Definitely give stepchange a call, whilst I'm sure the online debt remedy is a good starting point , sometimes talking things through with a human can help and sometimes they can see things/ understand things better than a computer.
    There are 2 things I would say:
    1) I would hope your husband is aware of how I'll you are and that actually your well-being is more important than worrying about the money. I appreciate its hard and not everyone has that supportive relationship though.
    2) please do not assume you would loose the house if you went bankrupt. It *may" be taken that you have an interest in the property, it may not be. If you do then it will only be a share of the property. This share may or may not be enough for the or to be interested in. Even if you are deemed as having a share and the or wants the money I don't think the or can necessarily force a sale against the other party ( your husband). I think also your husband would also gave the opportunity to but the beneficial interest for you. Basically it's complicated and you should ask on the bankruptcy board and seek specialist advice on this topic. It may be that bankruptcy is your best option and that it's not as bad as you fear.
    Anyway, you don't have to make that decision right now. Keep taking baby steps and speak to stepchange.
    Regards
    Df
    Making my money go further with MSE :j
    How much can I save in 2012 challenge
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  • System
    System Posts: 178,077
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    Huge huge hugs. You don't have to make any decisions right now. I'd definitely recommend calling Stepchange / or if you need more time to think things through just write to your creditors and offer them a token payment each £1) for 3 months (or longer) whilst you figure out what best to do. (NEDCAB website will help you auto generate letters, or look at the Christians against Poverty website for template letters.)
    You are not alone, and although this is scary, there's a lot of us in similar straits, and many who are further on in this journey, making inroads into their debt. I started a DMP in the last month with debt levels similar to yours - I am managing it myself rather than through Step Change. I am building up an EF, and finally have a budget which I am adamant that I will stick to, and it is easy enough to allow me to budget for all of the things I didn't before which got me in this mess.
    Most of all, you need to concentrate on your health and being well for your son - if you get an arrangement in place for now - no matter how minimal the payments, it will allow you time to breathe, and give you time to work out the best way forward.

    We're all here for each other.

    Ramble x
  • EssexHebridean
    EssexHebridean Posts: 21,198
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    First off - there is no time limit on grief - if you're still grieving for the loss of your Dad that's fine - I have a feeling someone is making you feel as though you "should be" over it by now? Traumatic events come in all sorts of shapes and forms, and something that turns your life upside down can take a lot of working through until you feel fully able to cope. Cut yourself some slack on that, and work towards your Dad's death being with you, and part of your life, but not defining the way your life continues from here.

    On the anxiety issue - can't remember the rules on posting links so I'll just suggest that you google "dealing with anxiety" and look for the "moodjuice" link - it's a Scottish NHS site, and has some BRILLIANT suggestions and methods of dealing with anxiety. Trust me it works - I went from absolutely in bits about a particular situation to feeling I could cope over the 5 days of gradually working through the steps and thinking things through. That was 7 months ago and although I still have wobbly days going back to the steps on there helps every time.

    One thing I will say - you're a lot further forward now than you were before your LBM - I know it doesn't feel that way right at the moment, but honestly, you are. Starting off by building an emergency fund is a good plan - also it will be worth once you feel you can doing an SOA and posting it up here as people may be able to spot options for savings that you've not seen.

    One thing that you could look at doing immediately is seeing about increasing your income - maybe start off with online survey sites - each one will only pay a small amount but it does all mount up. and in the situation you find yourself in every little really does help. Over time can you consider taking on an additional job as well to replace the ones you had to give up?
    🎉 MORTGAGE FREE (First time!) 30/09/2016 🎉 And now we go again…New mortgage taken 01/09/23 🏡
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  • DCFC79
    DCFC79 Posts: 40,598
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    Definitely post up an soa, its amazing how much help can be provided.
  • nkkingston
    nkkingston Posts: 488
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    As a fellow anxiety sufferer, can I recommend not telling yourself off for being negative? It's a horrible cycle to get into, all those onion skin layers of worrying about being negative about feeling anxious over your fears about how much you worry... Praise yourself for taking the first steps. Give yourself a gold star (and it sounds daft, but honestly, a literal gold star - it'll catch your eye some time when you're feeling bad and remind you that you're worth rewarding) for every little step you take towards dealing with this.

    Often in situations where one partner doesn't know about the other's debt, there's an imbalance of spending going on. Despite having a lower income than before, you probably feel obliged to keep up the same level of household spending as before (partly to hide the debt?). If the money is being spent on the household, all of the adults in the house bear the same level of responsibility for it. That can be tough for some people to swallow - they think if they didn't hand over the credit card it's not their debt - but if they've eaten that dinner or watched that film or browsed using that wifi, they're responsible too.

    We've seen a lot of people on here given a lot of reasons for not telling their partner about their debt, but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same:
    - if you're partners, that's for better or worse, and though the initial storm may be scary the relationship should survive
    - if you have reason to be genuinely scared of telling him, you're not partners, and you need to consider what that means for your relationship and whether that's a safe relationship for you to be in.
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  • Smolly
    Smolly Posts: 216
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    Thank you all for your kind comments and ideas. You have no idea how it has made me feel just to get it out there and for people genuinely to care enough to respond with their own thoughts.

    I have rung Stepchange. I had another go at the Debt Remedy. I included some regular money (not a lot) that I have been making from eBay sales and the advice was that I could consider a DMP. I haven’t decided fully that I won’t make myself bankrupt, but while I think about it going on a DMP with Stepchange seems to be the best option for now. I can then look into it a bit more closely. I could literally feel the weight lifting off my shoulders (albeit only a tiny bit!) whilst I spoke with the advisor. That interaction with another human regarding my debts was incredible.

    I have tried before to talk to someone about my debts – someone who I considered to be a very close friend. Unfortunately my timing was awful as she was just about to tell me she had inherited over £40,000. She sort of offered to help but I turned her kind offer down and moved on. I didn’t want her thinking that I was after her money as I certainly wasn’t – I didn’t even know about it. She looked so relieved, and sadly I hardly hear from her these days.

    EssexHebridean and nnkingston – you are very intuitive. Yes I am being made to feel that I should not have emotional issues – not just about my Dad but in all areas of my life. Our relationship isn’t the best – it’s horrible at times, which is why I can’t make the decision to talk about it yet as I just don’t feel strong enough. I am hoping that one day I will be on top of things, feeling much stronger and able to talk about it, and what will be will be. I will deal with it as such then.

    I will definitely look up the ‘moodjuice’ link suggested. I have also made a further appointment with my GP but as is often the case I need to wait a couple of weeks!

    And I will also look at posting up an SOA – thank you for the advice.

    Thank you again to you all xx
    LBM Jul 16 £26,823.83, Nov 16 £27,961.98, Dec 16 £26,977.66, Jan 17 £26,884.76
    EF #205 £0/£1000
  • jaydeeuk1
    jaydeeuk1 Posts: 7,714
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    sourcrates wrote: »
    Hi,

    Bankrupcy not so bad nowadays you know.

    It's all done online and via the post, no need any longer to appear in court, just pay the fee, and roll the dice basically.

    After a year you are, normally, discharged, if you have any spare income, you may have to pay towards your debts for a short time (IPA).

    After that you are free to start again, and after 6 years, all trace will be gone.
    Nothing to be afraid of, if that's the only option for you, then take it !!!!

    I think this is the best route.
    Even if the interest was frozen on the £26500, putting the entire £460 a month on repayments and not spending a penny on yourself or your son, it will still take almost 5 years to pay it off, just to keep some greedy bankers bonus topped up.

    Bolox to 'em, think of your health and your family and get your life back. I wouldn't be surprised if your other half knew something was going on - heck he might be thinking you've got far worse news, might come as a relief thats its 'just debt'.
  • Karonher
    Karonher Posts: 909
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    edited 2 August 2016 at 3:11PM
    jaydeeuk1 wrote: »
    it will still take almost 5 years to pay it off, just to keep some greedy bankers bonus topped up.
    '.

    That's not true though is it? The top ones raking it in won't lose out, it will be the clerks in the branches that they close down and the people nearby who will struggle to get to the next nearest branch. They will end up not being able to afford treats for their kids.

    I can understand wanting interest stopped and lower payments - but it annoys me when people try to justify it by going on about the big bankers.

    This is not aimed at you OP and if bankruptcy is the best choice then that is the way to go, but I admire you for considering paying it back.
    Aiming to make £7,500 online in 2022
  • Hello Hun,

    I too lost my Dad really suddenly two years ago. He was only 49 so it was a massive shock for us all. I still remember getting the phone call.

    I just wanted to say there is no time limit to grief. I still cry about him frequently , and anytime anyone mentions him my eyes well up. I didn't really deal with his passing when it first happened - I live in London, so when it happened I flew home to Belfast then came back to London after 2 weeks.

    It meant I could somewhat "block" out what had happened. It only really actually hit me at the end of last year which is when I really started to struggle. It was a combination of grief, homesickness, general unhappiness and my epilepsy medication that brought on my depression last year. The doctor wanted me to meds but I refused. Even with the dark swirling in my brain, I knew I didn't want the meds.

    One thing I did try was a natural supplement called Bacopa. I take it to help with the side effects of my anti convulsants (a charming little inheritance from Dad) It actually really helped with my moods a as well - who knows maybe a placebo effect but it did uplift me a little. I found myself less snappy, less irritable and well - just a little bit happier.

    They only cost like £3.00 from Amazon for a months supply and are well worth it. It also helps with Anxiety and stress - I have generalized anxiety disorder as well and the council ling I was made to go to did nothing for me. Finally with these tablets, I am starting to worry alot less.

    I do hope you manage to get somewhere with setting the DMP up. I just finished mine after 5.5 years and paying over £20k off and it felt amazing. It feels so enormous now, but little by little you will get there!

    xxx
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