I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos · 17 July 2016 at 1:16AM

CCL, I hope you are feeling better having got the talk with OH off your chest

I forgot to say a guy I work with really came through for us with the alternator - managed to source one for me for £140 so in total it came to £200, much better than we thought - still a struggle to find it and the alternator cost has gone on the CC but it will be paid off by the end of August so no huge stress there - certainly better than the cost we were given!

Kitten868 · 18 July 2016 at 1:02PM

Good news about the car! Ignored the list?! What a total sod. At least they've gone out and cant muck it up. I can't keep my place clean and tidy for love nor money. Is it a good time for ebay? I give up when there's no sales. Xxxx

TheMillions · 25 July 2016 at 9:26AM

I noticed you need a Happy 1st year diary!! Xxx just think how far you have come in that year?

I have not been keeping up with your diary recently but will be reading back over the last couple of pages, for me following my recent Lap, I have been diagnosed with severe endo X

kirtsypoos · 25 July 2016 at 11:09AM

Thanks TheMillions! I've slacked as I really thought today was my 1st diary anniversary

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I remember being first diagnosed and I was so pleased to have a reason for the pain, but when I realised none of the conventional things worked for me, having a diagnosis didn't help at all. Have you looked into excision surgery? There isn't an excision specialist near me that I could be referred to but I often joke that when I win the lottery I'm heading straight to the US with excision surgery with Dr Sinervo who seems to be the best of the best.

I've massively neglected my diary, for one major reason - my own judgements

OH had a massive 'relapse' as the counsellor calls it and I left him. I just didn't feel like I could take it anymore. Of course this all happened just before his parents arrived so it's been an awful few weeks. After everything they have done for us I feel awful and I didn't want their holiday ruined.
Because of their impending arrival I went back to the house, on the proviso he stayed on the sofa and left our bedroom to me as my place of sanity for a few days, which he did stick to.

With his parents here but also visiting their grandson and other son (and his best friend off exploring the UK) we have had a fair bit of time to ourselves, and done a lot of talking.

At the moment I am leaning towards giving it another go, but with some big changes. It has been suggested to me by a very close friend that I am enabling his behaviour by allowing him to keep it a secret and not have to face up to what he has done as I've always rolled over and gone back to him.
In some ways this isn't much different, as I am verging on trying again and I feel like everyone thinks I should leave - which I possibly should but I'm not quite there at the moment.

There are some differences. I kept it a secret from most people as I felt ashamed and humiliated, and I didn't want people to think badly of him. This time when I left I actually went to my parents and was in an absolute state by the time I got there so there was no hiding it. They know everything that has gone on, with nothing hidden or spun in a nice way. Probably not the way I would have planned it, but when I left I genuinely thought there was no going back so what did it matter if they knew.
He and my dad have already had a little talk, but have scheduled another one when his parents leave as my Dad feels like he can't just accept what has happened without an acknowledgement and assurance from him.

I know I'm doing a lot of rambling at the moment, and it probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I feel better just having got it all off my chest. I think I've convinced myself I'll be letting a lot of people down by admitting that we are at the same point again when everyone has been so supportive of my choices previously. I know that won't be the case as you lovely people will be firm yet fair, even if you don't agree with what I choose to do.

I guess what I'm saying is that mentally I have been a bit fragile and didn't really want anyone to think badly of me. Apologies for neglecting this diary in the midst of what is going on, but I have kept very on top of debt repayments and I'm hitting milestones monthly so at least that is going in the right direction.

Also, a small bonus in this heartbreak stuff is that I wasn't too fussed about eating last week and can now get into my bridesmaids dress. Every cloud has a silver lining I guess...

Hope you are all well and I haven't offended anyone with my ramblings!

TheMillions · 25 July 2016 at 3:13PM

Hi, I am so sorry sounds like you have had a rough few weeks, you mentioned OH 'relapse'' I would deduce that means he has done the same thing again? Just think how far you have come in that last year - read back your first few pages of your diary, you are now a more logical, independent and headstrong with your finances, and I bet you never thought you would be here now twelve months later in such a positive future financial position - you have done so well to stick to your plans xx

I guess you need to now make your next big decision about OH, hopefully by telling your parents you will have the emotional support your need, but it will be you that will need to make the final call.. Me personally would move on, (leopards not changing spots) even though that may be harder way forward ( remember your LBM day and how hard that was!) I think you were already having another go if I remember.. Emotions are s*** aren't they? Maybe you need the timeout to breathe and take in the world abit? You CAN do what you believe will make you happy, and your happiness needs to be long term, like your finances.

Well with regards to my endo, sadly I need a hysterectomy, everything is adhered together and is not good, they have started me on monthly injections to induce early menopause, next consultant appt due in a few weeks, so I am not sure if I have to go through my 6 injections first, or whether op will be done before? TBH I am glad of a diagnosis but was shocked I think at the severity (although my pains have been unbearable)

Take care xx M

crazy_cat_lady · 25 July 2016 at 3:44PM

Awww Kirsty :grouphug:
Nobody is judging or thinking badly of you in any of this... It is him that is behaving unacceptably and not you. You can try and turn it all round and make it your fault (been there and done that) but ultimately it's him that chooses his behaviour. It's up to you whether you are going to continue, and up to him whether he will choose to change. I really feel for you because it's so hard to be logical when there are lots of emotions involved and having to choose between head and heart. I don't think a proper break away from each other would do you any harm at all though. It will give you both a chance to look at things more clearly and decide what you do or don't want out of this. Just don't under value yourself though. You're worth more than you think...
Lots of love

Kitten868 · 25 July 2016 at 10:27PM

There is another way. You can forgive him but you can punish him and work through all your hurt first. You seem to think you have to go back to sweet as pie or leave.
We dont think less of you for standing by him. Not at all. Only you know everything.
I'm sorry its all kicking off again. I'm sorry hes done this to you again when you need to have your s together and look brilliant. Do you think he just can't help himself? Like this couldn't have waited.
Yay for getting to your milestones! You're a superstar! No matter what happens youre in a better position to face the world than you were. And that position improves everyday xxxx

Bobarella · 25 July 2016 at 11:42PM

Sorry Kirstyxx

kirtsypoos · 27 July 2016 at 1:33PM

Thank you all, you lovely bunch

I'm feeling very positive after Mondays counselling session, the long and short of which was that OH has a problem with boredom and then looks for excitement elsewhere. This extends to many other areas of his life (job, hobbies etc) but I never put the 2 and 2 together.

He needs to learn coping mechanisms for this, and I need to accept that I can't control what he does - I will drive myself mad that way. He seems to have had a bit of a wake up call when I left (although time will tell, naturally)
Honestly, I don't know if this will be his last relapse and I also don't know what I will do if it's not, but for now I am staying positive.

I am very concerned that I might be being too positive and setting myself up for another heart break but the truth is I am just not ready to call it quits. I believe in him, and I believe we can get through this. I just need him to put the work in to prove me right.

OHs parents were due to stay for 5 days and instead are only leaving today, it's been lovely having them here but 9 days is quite a long time! They have left a parting gift though - some extra money which they would like us to use on knocking a wall out. We had been planning it but the cost side tracked us, we've been trying to save but trying to pay debt down, overpay the mortgage wherever possible and save it's been difficult.

Overall debt total is down to £10900

very pleased with this, I should see the 4 figures by the end of August if all goes as it should so very much ahead of schedule and getting closer by the minute

I don't want to wish my life away, but I can't wait to start my DF life!

kirtsypoos · 29 July 2016 at 4:18PM

Feel like cheering myself up again, so decided to do my July figures as I had my proper LBM in July 2015:

August 2014 - £29400.23
July 2015 - £25131.49
October 2015 - £20253.14
December 2015 - £18600.00
Start of January 2016 - £17830.00
End of January 2016 - £16900.00
End of Feb 2016 - £15970.00
Mid June 2016 - £12320.00
End July 2016 - £10730.00

Paid off £18670.23 total since August 2014!
£14401.49 of that has been since July 2015!

I paid off £14000 in a year!! :beer: I can't believe it.
A year in which I also bought a house :T

Feeling very proud of myself at the moment!

I WILL get there!!

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free