Developing Feelings in a Relationship

Outsider_83 · 20 March 2017 at 10:09AM

Hi All,

I recently posted on here looking for some early dating advice and got some good feedback.

I've been out of the dating/relationship scene for a long time so much of this is new and a little but scary for me. The girl I'm seeing said that after three weeks everything was going good, her mind says yes but she's unsure if she could fall in love. Apparently in the past it's been instant albeit ending in disaster for her.

I suggested three weeks was too soon to have such genuine emotions for either of us but things were going well and we could build on that. She then wondered if by the time she had such feelings I might be gone.

I'm not sure if this is a normal conversation to be having after three weeks or if I should be running for the hills, what are your thoughts?

margaretclare · 20 March 2017 at 10:15AM

She has obviously been hurt badly in the past. It's possible to fall in love very quickly - or slowly - but there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to go about it.

We got together when we were in our 60s. I fell in love very quickly but he took much longer about it - he'd been badly hurt and was very cautious. It has worked out well - 20 years and we're still together, still happy, still love each other.

Take it slowly and see how it goes - don't force anything. Happiness is apt to creep up on you when you don't notice it.

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 10:30AM

Hard to say what is normal for some people and not for others. Just take each day as it comes and trust your own feelings. If you don't feel comfortable or happy with what she says, then trust that feeling.

FBaby · 20 March 2017 at 11:45AM

It could be that she feels you would be the right person for her, she likes you but isn't so far attracted by you and doesn't know if she evercwill be. She is telling you that as she doesn't know if or when the feelings will come you might get bored of waiting and look for someone else who wants to take things further.

If that's the case she's bringing up a good point. How long would you be prepared to wait to see if her feelings for you evolve before you decide you had waited long enough. Of course you might not know this yourself.

System · 20 March 2017 at 11:55AM

Feelings... who is to say what is wrong and what is right?

My first husband i liked him immediately. He was a really nice man and although he wouldnt have made a good male model, i could see him being a good husband and Father. He was older than me and i suppose was more like a Father figure. I loved my relationship with him.

Second husband..... after the complete and utter failure of my first marriage i was determined that if ever there was going to be another crack at marriage he would be good husband and Father material and would prove to me in more ways than one how much he loves me. He did that alright and my love grew.

If ever there was a number 3 (in still on number 2) looks as well as the other attributes would be needed.

I think i'm getting fussy in my old age so i wouldnt hold my breath...

justme111 · 20 March 2017 at 12:17PM

What Fbaby said.
That is what not right about Internet dating, there is pressure. Why not see internet dating just as an introduction and be friends with her so there will be no pressure.

Outsider_83 · 20 March 2017 at 12:31PM

Thanks Fbaby, it's a tricky one - my gut instinct is to bow out if she usually get feelings immediately. I'm only interested at this stage and would not say I've any feelings but there is the potential of a relationship.

tea_lover · 20 March 2017 at 1:00PM

Outsider_83 wrote: »

Thanks Fbaby, it's a tricky one - my gut instinct is to bow out if she usually get feelings immediately. I'm only interested at this stage and would not say I've any feelings but there is the potential of a relationship.

It doesn't matter what's happened before though. So she usually gets 'feelings' earlier.....so what? None of those relationships can have worked out or she wouldn't be single again. She's being open with you so just chill and see how it goes. There's no rush.

Ozzuk · 20 March 2017 at 1:40PM

Perhaps she is confusing lust with love and maybe there just isn't enough of a spark for her. Nothing wrong with a slow burner though and 3 weeks is no time. Are you both exclusive? I'd just carry on as you are if you are enjoying it, if it doesn't work out then view it as (hopefully) a nice experience, confidence builder and set you up for the next one a bit better.

moneyistooshorttomention · 20 March 2017 at 1:46PM

I would be wondering why she was discussing her feelings (either way) so soon in a relationship personally.

There are people, I understand, who "fall in love at first sight" and sometimes it really is love. Other times it's just lust. So - I'm guessing that what she actually means in this case is that she "fell in lust" with them at first sight - and subsequently realised it was lust and not love.

Anyway - either way. Play it by ear and see how things go.

The only advice I'd give is = Do not under any circumstances get married/live together unless you both genuinely love each other (not just lust/not just thinking the other person is "suitable" and perhaps you'd better 'settle' ).

Alikay · 20 March 2017 at 1:46PM

Perhaps she thinks you're a nice guy, and enjoys your company but there's insufficient chemistry as far as she's concerned for her to envisage falling in love.

In my experience, if it's not there fairly early on, it's not likely to happen. I think it's possible for sparks to suddenly ignite with someone in your circle after a few years of social/workplace contact, but rarely happens if you continue to conduct a romantic relationship with them while waiting to see if it happens.

Developing Feelings in a Relationship

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