Help? At my wits end

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  • asajj
    asajj Posts: 5,123
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    hec2308 wrote: »

    I am very strong. I just don't deal with physical stuff and don't see why I should have to. I'm genuinely shocked at this response. I have been very strong for 2 years based on promises that were made to me by my bosses.

    I appreciate that you feel strong and confident and this is a great attitude towards life however when you keep pressing on that point, especially when no one is disputing the fact, it feels the opposite.

    You say, they are advertising your job and like sangie595, I wasn't sure whether you clearly rejected the job offer because you had no excuses left after they said exams were not required and that was it.

    Also, I don't think it is uncommon management will have meetings about employees if they think there is a problem ( i again appreciate, you might not be a problem but they may feel differently) so don't work yourself up about secret meetings!

    We all have been a good employee but not valued accordingly at some point in our lives. Yes ,it is sad when it happens but it is also how things work at times. Again, many learnt hard way, the loyalty or honesty don't pay at times.

    So, how have they been contacting with him over the last 2 years? Had meetings somewhere else? Perhaps, there was a pressing matter this time and they couldn't arrange it anywhere else? Do you think the director did it on purpose to disturb you?

    The question is, what are you trying to achieve or understand? Do you want an apology from them and that they will keep their promise about the client so you can continue to work for them? If not, you will just leave and find another job.
    ally.
  • getmore4less
    getmore4less Posts: 46,882
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    hec2308 wrote: »
    I was in a new job with an unknown person to me and I didn't feel I had that authority. He knew that. He knew he could do and say whatever he wanted. He said many inappropriate things to me that I brushed off before the physical contact.

    I will say as an aside, we had other clients there that spoke to him and two of them walked out in outrage at his behaviour. But they never have to see him again.

    Were they witnesses to the act?
    can you remember who they were and get witness statements?

    consider going to the police if it was that serious.
  • hec2308
    hec2308 Posts: 71 Forumite
    asajj wrote: »
    I appreciate that you feel strong and confident and this is a great attitude towards life however when you keep pressing on that point, especially when no one is disputing the fact, it feels the opposite.

    Apologies, I've only reiterated that fact as I believe a couple of different people on here have told me that I'm fragile and need some sort of therapy because of it, which isn't the case. I won't mention it again :)

    Maybe I'm totally in the wrong then. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest, I just didn't expect to get caught in this sort of trap-like situation here where I've become enemy number one in the office and am being regarded with utmost suspicion. It just feels like whatever choice I make here it will be wrong. Maybe it's one of those cases of "you have to be here" to feel it, maybe it's all in my head. Who knows.

    I just came on here as I wondered if anyone had ever been in a similar position and had any suggestions as to how I should handle myself and what I should do. I definitely just want a clean slate now and I wish that this situation hadn't been taken so personally by the bosses. I'm not trying to hinder what they do. I find it easiest to remove myself from the equation if I am the problem.

    Thank you for the responses.
  • YouAsked
    YouAsked Posts: 97 Forumite
    hec2308 wrote: »
    On the Friday morning my manager (who is lovely but inept as an authoritative person) took me downstairs and said that he had been called by the director I specifically work for and told that they were very angry with me. They were horrified that I felt able in my position to tell them where they could have meetings and who with, and that they intended to have a formal meeting with me about it.

    I was honest. I said that I was unhappy about the inappropriate client situation. I was essentially told to get over it and that I had imagined their angry response in my head. Obviously he did not know that my manager had told me that they were angry with me and my manager did not speak up in this meeting. I kept my mouth shut to spare him.

    So your manager is ineffectual. You know this. Yet you believe the message you got from him?
    Then in a meeting he chose not to clarify why you may have been feeling how you were? I'd suggest taking anything he says with a pinch of salt.
  • hec2308
    hec2308 Posts: 71 Forumite
    YouAsked wrote: »
    So your manager is ineffectual. You know this. Yet you believe the message you got from him?
    Then in a meeting he chose not to clarify why you may have been feeling how you were? I'd suggest taking anything he says with a pinch of salt.

    He is not great at being a manager but he is not a liar. I am much more inclined to believe him over a boss who has altered my emails to get himself out of trouble and who I have watched lie to others with ease.

    My boss is very intimidating and at times bordering on scary. I understand my manager's silence and don't really blame him although it did not help my situation. My life would probably be a bit less stressful right now if I had maintained that same silence.
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,198
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    I'm a little conused by the situation with your and your colleguae's jobs, but so far as tis cocnered, I would suggest an e-mail to your manager cc'd to the director who you had the meeting with.

    Something along the lines of:

    "I was very surprised o see that you have advertised my job. As I explained in our meting on [date], while I am flattered by your offer of a promotion to [collegue's job] i don't feel able to accept, and wish to continue in my current role.

    I presume that the advert was an error and should have related to [colleague's job] but wanted to bring it to your attention and to clarify the postion regarding your offer of the promotion to me, in case this was unclear"

    Do far as the assult is concerned, I would suggest that saying you canot have direct contact with this indiidual or e in metings with him s fine, saying ou can't be in the same building, much less so. However, agaihn , I'd suggest tgat you put something in writing with HR. Something like

    RE [Name of client]
    As you will be aware, on [date of party] I was assulted by [client]. I reported this at the time and also made clear that I was not seeking to emand that [firm] should refuse him as a lcient in future. However, in light iof the assault, I did speak to [dircector] who gave me assurances that if [client] continued to usethe firm, that I would not be required to be present in any meetings with [client] not to have any other contact with him.
    I was concered to be told by [manager's name] on [date] that the directors were "very angry" with me and they thy felt I have tried to tell them who to have on the premises. I belive that their may have been a miscommunication and that manager had perhaps been unaware of, or had forgottem, the assurances given by [director] that I would not be expected to imeet or interact with [client]. I would be grateful if the position could bne clarifuied with Manager and if ou could confirm that the Directors are aware of the situation and that the assuarancves given to me that I would not be required to meet or work with [client] remain in place"

    That way, you are creatinga record of your understanding of the idffernet concersatins and interactions, so if others remenber things differently they can say so, and can clarify with you wat their expectations and understnaig is.

    It soundsto m aas though they understood that you would accept the promotion provided that you were not required to take the exams, so the fact that they are advertising your job and not the more senir one wpould make sense.
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • Bogalot
    Bogalot Posts: 1,102 Forumite
    edited 10 October 2016 at 11:03AM
    hec2308 wrote: »
    I haven't gone to HR and I get why,

    I am very strong. I just don't deal with physical stuff and don't see why I should have to. I'm genuinely shocked at this response. I have been very strong for 2 years based on promises that were made to me by my bosses. These promises have now been rescinded. I have been to CBT therapy in the past, and my GP knows me and my entire family very well. If she felt I needed further therapy due to this incident (which I do not, I know exactly how to deal with cretins like this in day to day life) she would have been the first to push me to it.

    There are many different types of therapy. CBT can be very effective in giving you the tools to deal with difficult situations, but sometimes it can also be beneficial just to talk things through. This is what I was suggesting, a few sessions where you have a safe space to talk about how you are feeling.

    I'm not suggesting you don't know how to deal with cretins like this man, but this is not about the incident itself but how it has continued to make you feel. This is about dealing with your own demons, which often can eat us up more than the incident itself.

    On a practical point, can you arrange to work from home when this man will be visiting? I'm not convinced that your employer intended this to be a lifelong ban from him coming to your premises, but rather that the situation needed a period of time for things to die down. They should have spoken to you in advance of arranging the meeting, but as that was overlooked you now need to decide how you wish to handle the situation (practically and emotionally) going forward.
  • steampowered
    steampowered Posts: 6,176
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    edited 10 October 2016 at 12:18PM
    hec2308 wrote: »
    Apologies, I've only reiterated that fact as I believe a couple of different people on here have told me that I'm fragile and need some sort of therapy because of it, which isn't the case. I won't mention it again :)
    I think you are wrong to suggest that seeking help, assistance or therapy would be a sign of weakness. It is not. We are all human at the end of the day.

    Everyone needs help sometimes. Asking for help is a sign of strength as you are proactively dealing with issues. That is much better than failing to deal with an issue and letting it fester.

    At the end of the day we are talking about an issue that occurred at a party 2.5 years ago. You do need to work out a way of moving on from this. Personally it sounds to me like that may involve moving jobs to work someplace where you are going to be happy.

    Seeking another job, at the appropriate time, is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness. At the end of the day you have to think would you be happy working for this organisation in a year's time? 2 years' time? 10 years' time? There are lots of excellent opportunities out there if you search for them.
  • Surely OP the best thing would be to find a new job and start afresh?

    Whatever you do there is no quick answer to your issues and for everyones health moving on is probably more productive
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
  • hec2308
    hec2308 Posts: 71 Forumite
    I think you are wrong to suggest that seeking help, assistance or therapy would be a sign of weakness. It is not. We are all human at the end of the day.

    Everyone needs help sometimes. Asking for help is a sign of strength as you are proactively dealing with issues. That is much better than failing to deal with an issue and letting it fester.

    At the end of the day we are talking about an issue that occurred at a party 2.5 years ago. You do need to work out a way of moving on from this. Personally it sounds to me like that may involve moving jobs to work someplace where you are going to be happy.

    Seeking another job, at the appropriate time, is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness. At the end of the day you have to think would you be happy working for this organisation in a year's time? 2 years' time? 10 years' time? There are lots of excellent opportunities out there if you search for them.


    Well, the only thing I can say is that this was not what I meant by "strength" but I won't bring it up again and apologies if that is how it came across. Not my intention.
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