On-line dating experiences?

zarabelle wrote: »

I also don’t think asking for feedback is particularly helpful. It’s not a job interview and sometimes it’s a gut reaction when we look at someone’s profile. You aren’t what that person wants, surely that’s enough feedback, entering into a conversation about their preferences is pointless.

I agree with this. It's just an opportunity for someone to respond with "You're wrong about me, I fulfill this requirement you have because..." which isn't particularly helpful as it's unlikely to change your mind. There's also a chance it's a very fickle reason about something that's impossible to change and really, does the person truly want to hear "It's because your nose is too big". I doubt it.

Besides you shouldn't be tailoring your profile for a particular respondent, your profile should represent you as truthfully as possible in order to actually find you the right match. If you start making stuff up or using photos that aren't accurate it'll just lead to disappointment in the future.

zarabelle wrote: »

Education is very important to me.

It is of course your choice but I'm curious as to why. What is it about someone having (I presume) at least a degree that's important to you? Also, if someone didn't have a degree but they were highly ambitious, intelligent, successful in their chosen career and was earning a high salary (lets assume six figures) would that override your educational requirement?

zarabelle wrote: »

Hi Gavin,

I work in Higher Education and I have a PhD. Most of my friends have PhDs too. It's a world I know a lot about, that's all. In the past, my level of education has been an issue for some guys and I wanted to avoid that too.

Z

Fair enough, thanks for responding. Was curious.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I agree with this. It's just an opportunity for someone to respond with "You're wrong about me, I fulfill this requirement you have because..." which isn't particularly helpful as it's unlikely to change your mind. There's also a chance it's a very fickle reason about something that's impossible to change and really, does the person truly want to hear "It's because your nose is too big". I doubt it.

Besides you shouldn't be tailoring your profile for a particular respondent, your profile should represent you as truthfully as possible in order to actually find you the right match. If you start making stuff up or using photos that aren't accurate it'll just lead to disappointment in the future.

That was actually a almost rude response, let me mention I have autism what I meant is because you assumed it was because I wanted to tailor it to people or because I thought they were wrong, if they didn't want to date me its their loss but if im rejected multiple times or don't hear back I would know something needs to be changed in the profile I did get feedback sometimes it was more often small things like they didn't find my profile appealing, one person did say my pictures made me look uncomfortable, a few said my profile came across as negative (I wrote about how I have overcome problems in life and now want to settle down) I took all that on board and rewrote profile, changed my pictures etc, some were strange but I respected them like a few times being told they thought I was a wonderful guy but they didn't date guys who were overweight, or I was over their age range etc.

zarabelle wrote: »

I would use match.com’s button system, which just generated a standard “Thank you for contacting me but I don’t think we would be compatible” type message. I would never comment on someone’s appearance, being larger than average myself.

I also don’t think asking for feedback is particularly helpful. It’s not a job interview and sometimes it’s a gut reaction when we look at someone’s profile. You aren’t what that person wants, surely that’s enough feedback, entering into a conversation about their preferences is pointless.

I wasn't wanting a conversation, and if they never responded back it was fine, if however they responded back and were rude id get annoyed, I never once responded back saying things like how dare you it was "ok, I respect your opinion, would you mind giving me some pointers so I know what I did wrong?" Sure maybe not the best thing but better than making the same mistake again when sending out messages.

zarabelle wrote: »

Education is very important to me. Apart from the three things I mentioned, I was pretty laid back about everything else.

The problem with on line dating is that people take the rejection too seriously. For all the men getting upset about being rejected and asking for feedback, I’m sure they do their fair share of looking at profiles and going “nope”. There’s a lot of choice and it’s nothing personal.

Who said I was upset about being rejected? No I was looking at pointers to make myself stand out in the future or see if it was something like my pictures or what I had written, did get some feedback like was told my profile was too negative so I reworded it.

The only time I got upset and it was more annoyed was if I got a message specifically rejecting me due to my looks or being told im not good enough for them because they really were nowhere near perfect themselves one girl being very obese (I like curvy girls) and not working but telling me I wasn't physically her type (she wanted a skinny as a rake guy, and in a good job)

Or I would get a bit upset in the sense that I felt they thought they were too good for me but those people I wouldnt ask for feedback. generally the only times I did were if I read the profile multiple times and I fit all their criteria, rather than if I decided to contact someone out of my league as they say and was knocked back as thats to be expected (and in case anyone mentions not saying im better than others by mentioning "leagues" just saying its more understandable if someone who is highly desirable has a lot of choice, rather than someone who mentions they have been single a long time, and don't get any contact from men on the site, and further not saying that means they should give me a chance or be attracted to me but the odds would be higher)

It's difficult to judge tone when you are reading words on a screen.

I do feel that my answer to the education thing disappointed Gavin as he wanted me to admit that I was a gold digger or something :rotfl:

Gavin83 wrote: »

I assume most people who ask for someone to have a degree do so because they feel it suggests a certain level of income and it's more polite than writing "I want my partner to earn £X a year".



Woah, one second, I really think you've misunderstood my post. It wasn't directed at you (hence me not quoting you) but just a general viewpoint. Your intentions might be pure and genuine but for others they won't be and I can understand some being cautious.

However you've already expressed that if the reason is related to your looks, an opinion someone is perfectly entitled to have, you get upset. Therefore maybe it's best not to ask as while you say you appreciate honest feedback, if it's a little too honest you clearly don't like it. As zarabelle pointed out it's not a job interview, they don't have to remain professional or even particularly nice and can be as picky as they wish. Dating is (currently at least) one of the last areas of life someone can allow their prejudices to guide their decisions and be totally open about this.

If someone wishes to chase a partner out of their league (as in your example) and it leads to them being eternally single that's their choice. I know several people who fit into this category.

I don't have a problem say if I was too geeky, or they wanted a slim person, the only upset I get is being annoyed at their hypocricy which I wouldn't bring up to them as that would be rude unless specically they got back to me and insulted me whilst maybe even outright saying they were too good for me.

At most its innocent curiosity if I fit everything they asked for, i.e they specfically asked for someone overweight, liked geeky guys with glasses, interested in say specific anime and video games which were niche and so on its interesting to know if I fit everything perfectly what I was rejected on as it could be as simple as not feeling it.