Should I let him go?

pmlindyloo · 18 October 2016 at 11:54AM

You have been together for 6 years so neither of you will have had time to have many other relationships. Sometimes people seem to drift into marriage after being together for such a long time and then only afterwards do they realise that there is more 'life' out there. Happens to so many people. Women have the nesting instinct much more than most men. Of course for some, marrying young works out beautifully, but for most it doesn't.

So, what can you do?

As difficult as it seems it might be worth having a chat with your OH and saying you realise that things are not 'right' and you have decided it is unfair to continue when he is so unhappy.

You will have to be very strong and 'detached' about this.

Sometimes the cold facts given like this will make him, at least, have a think about things.

It might be that he is enjoying having all the home comforts and the realisation that this could all end might give him a bit of a jolt. On the other hand he could just agree with you and you move on your separate ways.

If it were me, after you have had the conversation I would go and get a new hair do, buy some new clothes and glam myself up. Then I would start going out with friends and enjoying myself. This would give him something to think about.

At the moment he has all the control - whinging about his life, enjoying the attention of another female and playing the 'poor me' card and putting all the 'blame' on you.
You need to get some control back.

In the end, what will be will be and you may be 'well rid' but since you still have feelings for him it is worth trying this approach and trying to salvage the relationship.

TeamPlum · 18 October 2016 at 12:01PM

I have a close female co-worker that I text alot, however my wife is free to read all the messages whenever she wishes, should she want to.

I think the fact you can't says it all.

Peter333 · 18 October 2016 at 12:13PM

april101 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your support.

One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.

I suspected as much.

I am really sorry for you, as you sound like a lovely young woman who just wants to settle down in life, and he clearly has not grown up yet. I know a young woman (22,) who is going through something similar right now.

She and her boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and she wanted to settle down, get a place together and be together forever as she loves him so much. He has just turned 20 last week, and has just started a degree at uni. He has been away for just 5 weeks, and has decided her 'can't do this anymore,' and has dumped her by text! All she has seen on his facebook is pictures of him with his uni mates and lots of different girls.

She is ready for family life, he is not. Boys seem to be way behind girls when it comes to maturity levels.

I assume you have no children April?

Sounds like your husband DOES think the grass is greener on the other side, but the fact is that no matter who he settles down with, it will be the same as it is with you. I have known half a dozen or more people leave their spouse or partner after a long time together (10-25 years,) as they 'fell for someone else,' and within months, they regret it, as they realise life is no different to how it was with the person they left! It's different when you're having an affair, all clandestine and exciting, with no drudgery or domestic stuff, but when you are a couple together, it's just ordinary life!

It's the same as someone going on holiday somewhere, and assuming that living there, and working there as a citizen, will be the same as being on holiday. It never is!!!

Person_one · 18 October 2016 at 12:16PM

april101 wrote: »

One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

I completely understand this. Some of it is not wanting to admit to people that things have gone so wrong, crazy as it is most of us don't like to admit that we've 'failed' even though this failure is his not yours. It can also be difficult if you hold out hope of things getting better and staying together, you don't want your family and friends to look at him differently or see your relationship in a different light if you do stay.

But...you should still talk to someone. Tell the people who love you what you're going through, let them give you the support and the time and the care that you need and that they would want to give if they could! Let's face it, at the very least your mum and your closest friends are likely to have their suspicions anyway or be a bit concerned about you, unless you're an Oscar winning actress!

AylesburyDuck · 18 October 2016 at 12:32PM

What an utterly horrible situation to be in,
My thoughts for what they are, is that you married a little boy trying to play grown up, and now its plainly just occurred to him he doesn't want to be a grown up.
He's made his feelings clear, and here i really feel for you, your going to have your heart broken one way or another.
Cut your losses before he gets even more cruel and abusive of your feelings.
Not what you want to hear i'm sure, but i really fear he holds no regard for your feelings on the matter.:(

paddy's_mum · 18 October 2016 at 12:47PM

I can find it in my heart to feel very sorry for the girl in the office because he is almost certainly feeding her a load of pity-me rubbish.

I have also found it to be, generally speaking, true that if he can do it to one wife, he will do it to the next. In her shoes, I'd be worrying about his motive for pursuing me.

When men say that their wife doesn't understand them it usually translates to she understands him only too well.

OP - do you feel that it would be worth finding out for sure just what is going on eg kidnapping his phone or following him on his evenings out? It may not be strictly ethical to do so but neither is the unkindness that your husband is currently showing.

april101 · 18 October 2016 at 2:45PM

I've thought about going through his phone but I'm not totally sure that I actually want to.

Actually putting things down and reading them back to myself has made me realise what I probably already knew. There are even things that I'm scared to write and actually admit 'out loud' so to speak - as I know what conclusions any logical thinking person would come to about what he has or hasn't done.

I think I need a few days where I can try and distance myself from him and the situation to allow myself to think more clearly. It's just so difficult, I really can't imagine what my next steps will be if/when we do split.

Talking to you all has made me see things more clearly, so thank you. Whilst it's a pretty harsh reality check, I know it's what I need.

Peter - no children.

You are all absolutely right with the playing grown up thing. I just hate that he makes me feel like I'm wrong for not wanting to remain a teenager forever.

tea_lover · 18 October 2016 at 3:06PM

Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Sounds like you need a change of scene and a break from him for a while to help you think.

DigForVictory · 18 October 2016 at 3:35PM

Me, I'd be inviting the friend over - I wouldn't leave the house empty for him to invite folk back.

What, me, cynical? Yes. If ever you needed a big sister to watch out for your best interests, now's that week. If you haven't got one, recruit one.

TeamPlum · 18 October 2016 at 5:04PM

I was goimg to write a longer reply earlier, then i realised i was at work - probably should at least look like I was being productive.

I've come across guys like this many times. A girl smiles at them on their commute and theyre imagining what life would be like with them. They chat to a girl whilst in a queue and they're playing out the holiday to the Caribbean.

It's not you, they could be in a relationship with Jennifer Lawrence and they'd still be day dreaming about the girl from the gym they havnt spoken to.

Best advice is to get rid,

Should I let him go?

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free