Other thread opened my eyes

I can relate to all that.

One of the posts on the other thread is from a woman who said if her adopted child's birth mother had turned up to reclaim him she'd have handed him over like a shot. I'm adopted and if my birth mother had ever turned up for me, you wouldn't have seen me for dust. My adopted mother's biological children are much favoured as are their children whereas me and mine are treated as barely more than strangers though simultaneously berated for not visiting more often. Last time I invited her to visit me, she said it was too much bother, and last time I visited her she went out with her friends or had them round to visit her at the house for every minute of our stay.

I think this kind of favouritism within families is more common than most of us know, but it's incredibly damaging and hurtful.

One woman I know had a difficult mother who had the mindset that her son was perfect and her daughter was no good. Despite the son being a rare visitor, not doing anything to help her out, and the daughter being the exact opposite.

One weekend the daughter, and a female friend, spent two back-breaking days landscaping Mother's garden. I'm talking really heavy work, moving earth, building walls etc. Brother turned up for about an hour towards the end and mowed the lawn.

Son, Daughter and Friend are resting that evening when a friend of the mother's calls in. Mother starts telling her excitedly about all the hard work her son had done over the weekend, the walls he'd built, etc etc.

The Friend was incredulous, interrupted that Brother hadn't done any of that work, she and Daughter had. It went in one ear and out the other; Mother was stuck in a narrative that her son was perfect and her daughter useless, and bent the facts to fit her version of reality.

You can't win in these situations and there isn't any 'right' answer, there is only shades of unsatisfactoriness whatever you chose to do. Your children may not be old enough yet to notice that they're treated less favourably than their cousins, but that will probably happen before much longer. When they're older still, probably by their mid-teens, they'll start noticing that Grandma treats you like a doormat, too.

Which will be painful for them as well as for you.

Litchielou wrote: »

I don't think I will ever be good enough old enough to know better.
Would never treat any of mine like that even my DIL and SIL are treated like my own children.

((((Hunnn)))) you are more than 'good enough', you sound like a fantastic daughter, loving wife, mother and grand-mother. The fault's on her side, not yours, please don't beat yourself up over what can't be helped - her character.

I'd be tempted to go with the advice of your DH and adult children and visit once a year; after all, your brothers are her children, too, and they can take their turn. It's not a given that a daughter has to be running around after her mother the whole time, especially when the mother clearly thinks a lot more of her sons.

I'm sure she'll value spending more time with them, such as on hospital visits.

I am sorry if this seems harsh OP but you are enabling her bad behaviour.

Why you continue to be so good to her is beyond me as it does not seem to be doing you any favours.

Have you ever told her how you feel?

Hi Litchielou

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2540985/Why-men-expect-sisters-caring-elderly-parents-Claudia-two-brothers-But-mum-fell-ill-soon-clear-whod-carry-burden.html

Please read this article which I read a couple of years ago and have always remembered. Sometimes it's good to know others appreciate your situation. It is SO common - the woman that maybe never got on with Mum does all the running around when Mum gets ill and the favoured sons (many with wives and children who could also help) stick their head in the sand and get on with life (I'm not saying ALL of them do but it is really pretty common).

I read your post and can so relate to it. I also a have best friend who is in the same boat - she never really got on with her Mum and said her Mum always favoured the 3 sons. Now Mum is ill with Dementia my friend is doing all the running around - she is a single older woman but has responsibilities, yet her brothers are all married with families but as they don't live local it's like they expect my friend to do all the leg work and they just turn up a few times a year for the day and all she can do is crow about how wonderful her boys are.
My situ is my Mum is in a home. We never got on but I made an effort when she went into care. Quite recently the home gave notice it was closing down so myself and my older Brother were at our wits end trying to source a suitable place within the right budget. We were on the phone daily to care homes and social worker and it took us well over a month to finally find something which we half heartedly accepted because it was a matter of days before the home closed down. Our younger Brother made no input whatsoever other than the odd sentence email in response to ours where he said thanks for what you are doing. But when asked for some input/suggested that he ring around a few homs, there was no response. Yet he was the one that she tended to favour probably as he was the youngest. My other Brother and I were completely stressed by it all as Mum had to be out the week before Xmas and we both live hours away from her.
It must be upsetting inside to know that your Mum blatantly acts so disrespectfully towards you and your family. I am pleased you have a great relationship with them though. Don't make yourself ill visiting because you feel you should 2-3 hours a week is a long time to spend with someone that can be difficult with you. :A