Husband has had an emotional affair

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  • MissBessie wrote: »
    We both made lots of mistakes but this does not excuse an affair - no way!.

    Totally agree, but this isnt affair.

    OK I dont know the situation, but there is a good chance he needed somebody to take advice from, and to vent all the frustrations caused by your current relationship.

    Maybe he should have discussed certain things with you, and you can be annoyed at him for that as well as the number of texts I totally see why you are angry, but he has not had an affair. Lets be clear on this.
  • MissBessie
    MissBessie Posts: 11 Forumite
    In my head yes, is clearly an emotional affair. The first thing he did in the morning was phone her. The last thing he did at night was text her. He kept her a secret. He went to he'd early to lie and text her. His emotions were clearly with her. This was an emotional affair in my eyes
  • Amber_Sunshine
    Amber_Sunshine Posts: 1,741 Forumite
    Mine did much the same thing.

    We're now divorced and he's married to her.

    An emotional affair is just as bad, and you don't contact someone that frequently OR in secret if it's innocent.
  • NeilCr
    NeilCr Posts: 4,430
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    How did this all come out?

    Did he tell you?

    Did you find out in another way?
  • meer53
    meer53 Posts: 10,217
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    Whats an "emotional affair" ? You admit your marriage wasn't good, if he couldn't talk to you about it, what were you expecting ? That he'd just carry on as normal ? You both need to talk.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,493
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    NeilCr wrote: »
    How did this all come out?

    Did he tell you?

    Did you find out in another way
    ?


    I'd also be interested in how the children got to know about it. It'll be harder for you two to reconcile when other people are involved even if they are family.


    I understand it's devastating for you but I can understand him wanting someone to talk to who's sympathetic to his situation.


    I know it's often said on here but if you had a close woman friend ( or even a message board) that you shared all the details with and chatted to regularly nobody would think badly of you. It could be just that this colleague offers a listening ear and no more.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,551
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    meer53 wrote: »
    You admit your marriage wasn't good, if he couldn't talk to you about it, what were you expecting ? That he'd just carry on as normal ? You both need to talk.
    maman wrote: »
    I understand it's devastating for you but I can understand him wanting someone to talk to who's sympathetic to his situation.

    I know it's often said on here but if you had a close woman friend
    (or even a message board) that you shared all the details with and chatted to regularly nobody would think badly of you. It could be just that this colleague offers a listening ear and no more.

    I'd expect my OH to bring up the problem with me!

    Even if he did start by using a friend or colleague as a sounding board, he should have realised that letting it go on so intensely for so long moves it from a friendly listening ear to a relationship in its own right.

    If I was the colleague he was talking to, I'd have told him after a week or two that he needed to speak to his wife and would have backed off.

    50 texts a day is extreme for close couples - for 'colleagues' it's beyond normal.
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166
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    Totally agree, but this isnt affair.

    OK I dont know the situation, but there is a good chance he needed somebody to take advice from, and to vent all the frustrations caused by your current relationship.

    Maybe he should have discussed certain things with you, and you can be annoyed at him for that as well as the number of texts I totally see why you are angry, but he has not had an affair. Lets be clear on this.

    From a male point of view, I suppose that isn't an affair because sex has not raised its ugly head.

    From a female point of view, this is an affair - and even worse than an affair that is purely sexual, this is betrayal - of the worst kind.
  • justme111
    justme111 Posts: 3,508
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    What if she was 30 years older? Or younger? Or male? Or transgendered? Or gay? Would you be so incensed then? Would you class it as "affair"?
    Your issue is that you had nothing to talk about , not that he found someone else to talk to.
    The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
    Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.
  • NeilCr
    NeilCr Posts: 4,430
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    I'd expect my OH to bring up the problem with me!

    Even if he did start by using a friend or colleague as a sounding board, he should have realised that letting it go on so intensely for so long moves it from a friendly listening ear to a relationship in its own right.

    If I was the colleague he was talking to, I'd have told him after a week or two that he needed to speak to his wife and would have backed off.

    50 texts a day is extreme for close couples - for 'colleagues' it's beyond normal.

    But the OP has already said that they were having a lot of problems so he might not have felt that he could bring it to her.

    I've got a really good female friend - when I was married she was the one I went to for emotional support - and we are still very close. My marriage wasn't that great and my ex had her own issues which meant that she couldn't provide me with that kind of support (and, to be clear, I am not blaming her). My friend is amazing - kind, funny and attractive - and, yes, I think a lot of her. But I am (and was) very aware that she is in a stable and very happy relationship.

    And sometimes, it is easier to talk to someone outside of your own relationship about stuff - especially if it isn't going well for you. I know one of the first things I did when I met my current partner was to introduce the two of them

    Having said all this I fully agree 50 texts a day is extreme - but it would be helpful to know how all this came out
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