Relationship falling apart :(

thorsoak · 13 November 2011 at 10:14AM

£25 would buy a couple of hours' cleaning a week!

GreenSaints · 13 November 2011 at 10:31AM

Hi,

I'm sorry that you aren't happy at the minute. Have a hug *hug*

I don't know if you've thought of this, but how about going to see a relationship counsellor? Google Relate. Me and my BF have been (obviously you need buy in from the other person) and its helped us no end. It's nice to have a mediator there to hear from both sides and help you work through the issues.

He might not even think that putting more money into the account and expecting more housework from you is unreasonable. He will definitely not know you have trust issues with his previous infidelity so when he doesn't ring, he has no idea what you are going through. Counselling will help. I couldn't recommend it enough.

Good luck

make_me_wise · 13 November 2011 at 10:55AM

OP you do realise that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship dont you?

Your boyfriend thinks that because he can put more money into a bank account than you per month, this entitles him to run you into the ground, by leaving all the responsibility of running a home to you. Good relationships require consideration, working as a team, pulling together. Not one person treating the other like a hired help.

Are you satisfied to be with someone who treats you as if you are his mummy there to run around after him, making him happy all the time? To be honest I could not live with a man who did not see me as his equal, his best friend, soul mate and lover. Anything less than that and you are living with a little boy who needs mothering, not a man.

Every Saturday night he is out who knows where with god knows who. Have some self respect and ditch him. Have some time to yourself and decide what you want from a relationship in future. Your time with him has not been wasted, if nothing else the moron has taught you what you will not put up with in future.

If all this seems to hard to face and put into action imagine this. A few years down the line you fall pregnant by this guy. Then spend the next 20+ years living a hellish existence similar to that of a lone parent with a bloke who doesn't want to know and leaves you to struggle on.

Bumpmakesfour · 13 November 2011 at 11:56AM

make_me_wise wrote: »

OP you do realise that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship dont you?

Your boyfriend thinks that because he can put more money into a bank account than you per month, this entitles him to run you into the ground, by leaving all the responsibility of running a home to you. Good relationships require consideration, working as a team, pulling together. Not one person treating the other like a hired help.

Are you satisfied to be with someone who treats you as if you are his mummy there to run around after him, making him happy all the time? To be honest I could not live with a man who did not see me as his equal, his best friend, soul mate and lover. Anything less than that and you are living with a little boy who needs mothering, not a man.

Every Saturday night he is out who knows where with god knows who. Have some self respect and ditch him. Have some time to yourself and decide what you want from a relationship in future. Your time with him has not been wasted, if nothing else the moron has taught you what you will not put up with in future.

If all this seems to hard to face and put into action imagine this. A few years down the line you fall pregnant by this guy. Then spend the next 20+ years living a hellish existence similar to that of a lone parent with a bloke who doesn't want to know and leaves you to struggle on.

On the flip side though how is the OP treating her partner as her best friend/soul mate etc by also being out at voluntary work/dancing classes/yoga etc all week?I'm really confused why that is seemingly "ok" but the boyfriend is condemned for going out at the weekends?:o Neither of them are making time for each other.
Surely they BOTH need to sit down and be really honest about what it is they actually want and expect from a relationship and take it from there?Maybe agree to a regular date night or activity they can do together?
I've been in a relationship where the OH's work karate/football/kids footie coaching came in front of me in his list of priorities and as I was sat on my todd most of the week I ended up out tons with friends from work which in turn peed OH off.It's horrible feeling so unimportant to someone you love so both the OP and the OH are probably feeling neglected and resentful right now

Re the housework,yes ir's sexist and wrong expecting the OP to do more but many men are like this.My lovely lovely DH was utterly mollycoddled by his over bearing mum and had never washed his own clothes etc before we moved in together.Is this the case with your OH OP? Might just be a case of resetting the boundaries,splitting the chores etc actually showing him how to do certain things?
(Or I may be being riduculously over generous to the OH here in a mad fit of pregnancy hormones and being far more reasonable than usual

)

Welshwoofs · 13 November 2011 at 12:01PM

dirtysexymonkey as got to the priority issue in all this.

As it stands, for whatever reason and whose ever fault it may or may not be, your relationship sounds like it stands on shaky ground. That being so, there's the matter of £30k equity in your house that was supplied by your parents. From what you say nothing was ever signed to register their interest in the property - is that because the Deeds are in YOUR name alone? If they are in joint names and this was an informal loan from your parents then you absolutely MUST get that squared away by getting something drawn up by a solicitor pronto that shows their interest in the property.

On the domestic front - if 2 people live in a house and those 2 people are both working then housework is a joint concern; the relative differences between salaries is wholly irrelevant. You sound like you're taking on way too much at once and the result is that what was once a relationship is now turning into 2 busy people sharing a roof and living separate lives. You both sound at fault here and honestly nothing will change if you don't both sit down and discuss things rationally and come to some sort of compromise - for instance as you've taken on evening classes, perhaps your gym/yoga to have some evenings in with him and, in return, he doesn't do overnight outings with his mates on a Saturday.

Tish_P · 13 November 2011 at 12:12PM

If I've read it right, the OP is doing voluntary work not just as a hobby but because it's the only way to break in to the career she wants to get into. So giving up voluntary work might not be an option. The Rainbows, yoga or dance group should be the first to go if she needs to make more time. It does look like an unsustainably busy schedule but only the OP knows which of those activities are expendable and which ones keep her sane! And if both people in a couple are working they should share housework. I'd also reckon that ironing his shirts is part of his grooming and not part of the general household work - he should do it.

The two posts above by makemewise and bumpmakesfour are two reasonable interpretations of this situation from the info we've got. OP, which one rings true? A counsellor might help either way. Good luck and I hope things work out for you (or for you both, if that's what you want).

jaqui59 · 13 November 2011 at 1:30PM

Hi .. I havn't read the other posts, so this might a bit out of sync, but ... is there any chance you could be a bit obsessive about the housework? If I wanted to drive my partner up the wall, obsessiveness about the cleanliness and tidyness of the house would be the way to do it!

Me and him have completely different ideas as to what we think is acceptable as far as a clean and organised house is, and at times it really can cause problems between us.

BitterAndTwisted · 13 November 2011 at 3:24PM

maryland89 wrote: »

He puts more money into the joint account and therefore expects me to do all the housework even though we both work the same amount of hours.

I have mentioned this to him and it always ends up in a big argument about him putting more money in than me.

He also complains about the housework a lot if I get behind e.g. if i've not done a wash for a week or his shirts aren't ironed for work

I wish I had split up with him when I found him kissing that girl 2 years ago.

Jacquie: does this sound like a couple where one person is a bit OCD about chores and the other has a more "relaxed" attitude?

It most certainly doesn't to me. Any man who complained about his shirts not being ironed for work would have the bloody iron and board chucked at him. I'd have gone on strike a very long time ago.

It sounds to me like the OP feels trapped in a situation they don't want any longer. The OP's b/f has things very comfortable indeed and I predict that he won't give any of it up without a fight. He has a home which he acquired with minimal effort, he does nothing towards keeping the place in a decent condition, he expect his laundry done, he get lifts to work and he goes out at the weekend on his own.

Did you read the bit about the OP catching him snogging some bint ON HER BIRTHDAY?

The £30k her parents put in is a serious complication and not one that will be easy to put right now that there was no formal agreement about where it came from and who it no belongs to.

I'd have given him his marching-orders a while ago.

Gingham_R · 13 November 2011 at 3:30PM

maryland89 wrote: »

Hello everyone

Anyway we have been getting along ok, but often argue about housework. He puts more money into the joint account and therefore expects me to do all the housework even though we both work the same amount of hours. At first I was happy to do this but began to feel a bit 'taken for granted' after a while. I have mentioned this to him and it always ends up in a big argument about him putting more money in than me.
He also complains about the housework a lot if I get behind e.g. if i've not done a wash for a week or his shirts aren't ironed for work

Anyway my boyfriend goes out on a Saturday morning and I normally don't see him til Sunday morning. He can never tell me what time he will be back home and he doesn't ring or text to tell me where he is, I have to call him to find out if he will be back for tea and he normally gets angry at calling him. He says because I'm busy all week this is his time to be with his friends and I'm being selfish not allowing him to have this time on his own.

We do get to spend sunday together but are normally in a bad mood with each other by this point

I just don't know what to do anymore, it feels like when I'm in a good mood he is in a bad mood, which then makes me in a bad mood, and by that point he is in a good mood, but I'm in a bad mood and its a vicious circle

I feel like I can't trust him, I'm worried he's spending time with other girls even though its me who is now out of the house more often.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up to find my boyfriend asleep (drunk) in the spare room and came downstairs to find the front door wide open and my laptop fully on show. He hasn't even apologised for this.

I feel he has no respect for me or the house but wonder if I'm just over emotional because I'm so tired at the moment? He is probably feeling like I dont spend time with him anymore because I'm busy studying.

Now I really wish we had done and I wish I had split up with him when I found him kissing that girl 2 years ago.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like crying all the time and he just gets angry all the time. He says I'm boring and depressing to be around at the moment which isn't very fun for him, and I would agree I am but I feel its him making me feel like that.

Anyway rant over with. I realise this is a really long post, but I'm just glad I've got it out of my system now.

I'm dreading him coming home tonight as he will see i've been crying which will just cause another argument.

Thank you for reading xxx

I highlighted some of the bits that worry me, in particular your last sentence.

How can you crying cause an argument? How can you live with dreading him coming home? Why can't he wash his own clothes? Why does he have to be out all night every week and what is he doing?

I would honestly rather lose every penny I had and start all over again than live with such unhappiness. I really think you need to speak to the CAB or get a lawyer and be prepared to do whatever it takes to get your strength and self esteem back. Can your parents prove that their money went into the house? I'm sure even if they can't they'd rather have you pay them back in instalments than have you live like this just because of money.

Chin up, girl. You deserve better than this.

victory · 13 November 2011 at 4:04PM

If you are dreading him coming home are you scared of him?

Relationship falling apart :(

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