Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.
Options
alibat_2
Posts: 60 Forumite
Back in November, I made the following post on another thread:
Been fighting depression and debt since I first left home to go to uni, with only a few brief spells of solvency in between (I'm now 46). I've never handled stress or bad times well as long as I can remember. Not sure what triggered it. Eight years ago I came on here, nearly 50K in debt due to using spending to overcome depression and keeping the debt secret from my husband. I came clean, felt a huge wave of relief and he supported me. The house was remorgaged (now paid off) and I was briefly doing ok.
Seven years down the line, I'm back in the same situation. After being ill and eventually being diagnosed with a chronic illness, depression struck as I was bullied out of my job as a result. My husband at first didn't seem to understand, and kept commenting about leaving a job with a good salary. If I hadn't, I would have most likely had a breakdown and not been able to work in the sector again. While still in the job, I started spending again but was too ashamed to own up to my husband. The work I got to replace it was casual, always being worried if I would have enough work. I usually did (although I always had no work in the summer, over Easter and Christmas), but recently things have changed due to changes beyond my control and I'm really struggling. I had one day of work last week, three days so far this week (but two below my usual pay).
I have just about managed my payments upto now, but I am really going to have to tell my husband again, and again I'm petrified. Even more so now, as I've let him down yet again and I'm scared he will leave me. I think the world of him and cannot believe I am in this situation again and been so stupid. I don't know where to start (last time I gave him a letter but I feel I should do it face to face this time). My debt stands at £28,700 over 5 cards. How do I start? What can I say? I'm making myself really ill over this and can't stop worrying. Even having suicidal thoughts. Tried to see my doctor but can't get an appointment. Any advice would be very welcome.
Well, nothing much changed in the meantime (although the suicidal thoughts have passed for now, thankfully, but still very depressed). The debt is the same size. Some work came in, enough to keep me going until now but now the work has dried up until the end of the month and I've had no income since mid July (I work as a supply teacher, two offers of work fell through at the last moment). I didn't tell my husband, I chickened out but now I have about a week before I completely run out of money. Things have not been made easier by needing essential repairs to the house, costing about 8K (which my husband is paying for). As a result, he keeps saying we can't afford things.
It is virtually 8 years to the day that I told him about my then near 50K debt, swearing it would never happen again, but it has. Don't feel that I should use the same tactic as last time and write a letter, but I'm struggling to start the conversation so maybe I will. Really scared that this time it will be it, as I am clearly a liability to him. Currently making a list of stuff to sell, will even offer to sell my beloved motorbike if it proves to him that I regret being so stupid. He still works for a bank (although under constant threat of redundancy), is still fantastic with money and I can't believe I've done it again and put my marriage at risk.
A few things are different from last time. On the bad side, then I had a regular, good income unlike now. On the positive side, I hope to get the money to cover all these debts in the next 6 months (as my elderly mum has moved to sheltered accomodation and is selling the family home, a third of the sale after deductions will come to me). I had originally hoped I could manage until then but then the work dried up. I am now in the situation of having to ask for my husbands help to make my payments until then.
Two things I know for certain however. I cannot be trusted with a credit card, ever. I must never have one again. I kept one last time for emergencies, but it just snowballed and I took on more for balance transfers until I had 5 maxed out cards. Secondly, I must get treatment for my depression.
Sorry for the long post, any advice about how to break the news to my husband much appreciated.
Been fighting depression and debt since I first left home to go to uni, with only a few brief spells of solvency in between (I'm now 46). I've never handled stress or bad times well as long as I can remember. Not sure what triggered it. Eight years ago I came on here, nearly 50K in debt due to using spending to overcome depression and keeping the debt secret from my husband. I came clean, felt a huge wave of relief and he supported me. The house was remorgaged (now paid off) and I was briefly doing ok.
Seven years down the line, I'm back in the same situation. After being ill and eventually being diagnosed with a chronic illness, depression struck as I was bullied out of my job as a result. My husband at first didn't seem to understand, and kept commenting about leaving a job with a good salary. If I hadn't, I would have most likely had a breakdown and not been able to work in the sector again. While still in the job, I started spending again but was too ashamed to own up to my husband. The work I got to replace it was casual, always being worried if I would have enough work. I usually did (although I always had no work in the summer, over Easter and Christmas), but recently things have changed due to changes beyond my control and I'm really struggling. I had one day of work last week, three days so far this week (but two below my usual pay).
I have just about managed my payments upto now, but I am really going to have to tell my husband again, and again I'm petrified. Even more so now, as I've let him down yet again and I'm scared he will leave me. I think the world of him and cannot believe I am in this situation again and been so stupid. I don't know where to start (last time I gave him a letter but I feel I should do it face to face this time). My debt stands at £28,700 over 5 cards. How do I start? What can I say? I'm making myself really ill over this and can't stop worrying. Even having suicidal thoughts. Tried to see my doctor but can't get an appointment. Any advice would be very welcome.
Well, nothing much changed in the meantime (although the suicidal thoughts have passed for now, thankfully, but still very depressed). The debt is the same size. Some work came in, enough to keep me going until now but now the work has dried up until the end of the month and I've had no income since mid July (I work as a supply teacher, two offers of work fell through at the last moment). I didn't tell my husband, I chickened out but now I have about a week before I completely run out of money. Things have not been made easier by needing essential repairs to the house, costing about 8K (which my husband is paying for). As a result, he keeps saying we can't afford things.
It is virtually 8 years to the day that I told him about my then near 50K debt, swearing it would never happen again, but it has. Don't feel that I should use the same tactic as last time and write a letter, but I'm struggling to start the conversation so maybe I will. Really scared that this time it will be it, as I am clearly a liability to him. Currently making a list of stuff to sell, will even offer to sell my beloved motorbike if it proves to him that I regret being so stupid. He still works for a bank (although under constant threat of redundancy), is still fantastic with money and I can't believe I've done it again and put my marriage at risk.
A few things are different from last time. On the bad side, then I had a regular, good income unlike now. On the positive side, I hope to get the money to cover all these debts in the next 6 months (as my elderly mum has moved to sheltered accomodation and is selling the family home, a third of the sale after deductions will come to me). I had originally hoped I could manage until then but then the work dried up. I am now in the situation of having to ask for my husbands help to make my payments until then.
Two things I know for certain however. I cannot be trusted with a credit card, ever. I must never have one again. I kept one last time for emergencies, but it just snowballed and I took on more for balance transfers until I had 5 maxed out cards. Secondly, I must get treatment for my depression.
Sorry for the long post, any advice about how to break the news to my husband much appreciated.
0
Comments
-
I was in a very similar position. 12 years ago my husband baled me out then after some really bad depression I started spending to cheer me up.
On the last day of our holiday in August I came clean - he was fantastic.
I've just started a dmp with Step change which will screw me ever getting credit for which I am grateful. Husband will fund treats and the money will be paid back over a very long time.
You need to talk to him, face to face and explain what has happened. then at least you can find a solution.
I felt nothing but relief that I wasn't lying awake wondering if I could draw cash from mbna to cover Barclaycard.
Good luck0 -
I think you have to take full responsibility for these debts and not use depression as an excuse for all these purchases. This doesn't mean that I want replies saying I don't understand depression, I'm just voicing an opinion. Hate to say it but the beloved motorbike isn't actually yours because you haven't paid for it. You've just borrowed money. You were even unwilling to tell him the extent of your troubles even with the positive news of your mum moving into a home and using that money to keep it a secret.
You'll have to come clean but it would be unfair to judge the husband and what his reaction might be. You've misled him once and now twice.
Sit down, tell him face to face but prepare for every eventuality. Good luck with it all.Savings as of April 2023 Savings account - £26460.50(14474.88)Current account - £2140.24(4576.79)Total - £28600.74(19051.67) £1010 (£65pm CS/BS) £250 CS/BS/JS0 -
zippygeorgeandben wrote: »I think you have to take full responsibility for these debts and not use depression as an excuse for all these purchases. This doesn't mean that I want replies saying I don't understand depression, I'm just voicing an opinion. Hate to say it but the beloved motorbike isn't actually yours because you haven't paid for it. You've just borrowed money. You were even unwilling to tell him the extent of your troubles even with the positive news of your mum moving into a home and using that money to keep it a secret.
You'll have to come clean but it would be unfair to judge the husband and what his reaction might be. You've misled him once and now twice.
A few responses to some of the points you made. Firstly, it was never my intention to hide the fact that I was going to get the money from my mum's house. I was going to be a case of, I'm getting this money but unfortunately most of it is already spoken for. I only found out about this in the last few weeks. A major problem I have telling him is that he frequently works late and by the time he gets home and eaten (I have to make sure he eats as a type 1 diabetic) it's too late to start a major conversation and most weekends recently have been spent helping my mum move.
Secondly, regarding the bike. I know what you mean, but I've had the same bike nearly 20 years. Due to my medical condition (I'm not talking about the depression here) I have at most 2-3 years left
before I will no longer be physically be unable to ride. I'd always hoped to carry on until I could no longer ride
Quite a bit of the debt has been spent either directly or indirectly as a result of my illness, either on treatments, classes, or equipment to help me, or on retraining courses for work that I will be able to do. I've lived in constant pain of varying degrees for nearly 30 years (but it took 20 years for a diagnosis) and at the time, anything that offers some respite has got my interest and led to more spending unfortunately.
But yes, ultimately, I do have to take responsibility. I just don't like discussing my own medical issues too much I'm afraid.0 -
You never need to be afraid, i was just passing on my thoughts without judgement.Savings as of April 2023 Savings account - £26460.50(14474.88)Current account - £2140.24(4576.79)Total - £28600.74(19051.67) £1010 (£65pm CS/BS) £250 CS/BS/JS0
-
A few things are different from last time. On the bad side, then I had a regular, good income unlike now. On the positive side, I hope to get the money to cover all these debts in the next 6 months (as my elderly mum has moved to sheltered accomodation and is selling the family home, a third of the sale after deductions will come to me). I had originally hoped I could manage until then but then the work dried up. I am now in the situation of having to ask for my husbands help to make my payments until then.
Have a read about deprivation of assets before spending this money as it can affect benefit funding in the future if your mother needs to go into care and hasn't got sufficient funds to pay for itI’m a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Pensions, Annuities & Retirement Planning, Loans
& Credit Cards boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com.
All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.0 -
Sell the bike and put the proceeds against the debt - and THEN tell your husband. You're right - it needs to be face to face, no question - the letter option has been used and in my view you only get one bite at not having to fully face his reaction. Get the bike on the market right now though - price it to sell without underpricing too far.
Where are the credit cards now? And I mean right now - when you read this? If the answer is anything other than "Cut up into little pieces" then put that right immediately - you're right, you must not give yourself routes to credit in the future - at least until your mental health issues are under control. And I mean FULLY under control.
Lastly - make a solid mental note of how terrified you feel right now. Next time you feel the urge to spend something that's not 100% necessary - remind yourself of this feeling.🎉 MORTGAGE FREE (First time!) 30/09/2016 🎉 And now we go again…New mortgage taken 01/09/23 🏡
Balance as at 01/09/23 = £115,000.00
Balance as at 31/12/23 = £112,000.00SOA CALCULATOR (for DFW newbies): SOA Calculatorshe/her0 -
It might help if you could demonstrate you'd taken some steps towards recovery yourself and aren't just going to him for a handout. You say you haven't been treated for your depression because you couldn't get am appointment with a doctor? Try again, and then again until you do. Maybe you could set out on paper how you are going to use the money from your mum to pay your husband back in X months time.
Lastly, and this is my personal opinion as somebody who does not suffer from depression, I wouldn't lean on that too heavily as an excuse. Depression might have been a influencing factor, but all your choices have been your own, and they've included significant amounts of dishonesty. Blaming it on depression would, for me, just come across as even more dishonesty.
Good luck.0 -
It might help if you could demonstrate you'd taken some steps towards recovery yourself and aren't just going to him for a handout. You say you haven't been treated for your depression because you couldn't get am appointment with a doctor? Try again, and then again until you do. Maybe you could set out on paper how you are going to use the money from your mum to pay your husband back in X months time.
Lastly, and this is my personal opinion as somebody who does not suffer from depression, I wouldn't lean on that too heavily as an excuse. Depression might have been a influencing factor, but all your choices have been your own, and they've included significant amounts of dishonesty. Blaming it on depression would, for me, just come across as even more dishonesty.
Good luck.
Not necessarily made in a "sound mind" condition though...and this can be the problem. I do however agree that pointing to that as the sole cause in a sort of "it wasn't my fault" kind of way might not sit too well with the OP's Husband.
Definitely agree about going to the Doctor about the depression though OP if it's been going on in a life-affecting way for that long. I can get away without ongoing medical intervention because I've now learned the coping strategies - but without those my life would be a very different shape. The GP can point you in the direction of support networks and also go through your different options with you.🎉 MORTGAGE FREE (First time!) 30/09/2016 🎉 And now we go again…New mortgage taken 01/09/23 🏡
Balance as at 01/09/23 = £115,000.00
Balance as at 31/12/23 = £112,000.00SOA CALCULATOR (for DFW newbies): SOA Calculatorshe/her0 -
Have a read about deprivation of assets before spending this money as it can affect benefit funding in the future if your mother needs to go into care and hasn't got sufficient funds to pay for it
After my dad died 15 years ago, my mum put the house jointly in her, my brothers and my names. I'm sure after so many years we are ok. My mum is in a almshouse where wardens call in everyday, but she still has her independence. Hoping she won't need a home, She's made it to almost 93 with all her faculties intact!0 -
Ok, a few points here. I do take responsibility and I'm sorry if it came across that I didn't, it's not what I intended. I do feel totally ashamed that I've let this happen again. Regarding the bike, it needs an mot before I do anything, not expecting it to fail but putting off having it tested as I can't afford repairs if it does. This is why I can't sell the bike first. A bike with only a couple of weeks left on it's mot is seriously going to drop the price.
I have been with my husband 21 years, and never had a joint account or sat down and worked through joint finances. Several times, when we first moved in together (we are in the same house which was his before we met), when I changed jobs, when we got married to name a few, I brought this up, wanting to be fully involved but he wouldn't have it. After the first time, 8 years ago, I again said I wanted to sit down regularly to go through finances and for him to help me get more financially sound, but it never happened. I do think this would have been a big help, and this time (providing he doesn't throw me out) I will insist. I only know roughly what he earns, and I do know he has significant savings and investments, but he has never divulged how much to me. He has paid most bills, where I have paid for shopping, car costs and window cleaner etc.
He is away tonight on a trip from work, cycling . Before he went I laid some groundwork. We talked about my work, physical disability, that I own a third of my mum's house and should be getting some funds from that, and that I'll soon run out of money if work doesn't pick up soon. I told him I needed to go through some money stuff. He didn't ask anything about possible debt, I didn't want to start that conversation when he had to leave in less than an hour. I actually felt that if we'd had more time, I could have opened up to him tonight. He also has a leaving do at work tomorrow evening which, depending what time he gets home, might mean that tomorrow isn't possible either.
And yes, the cards have been cut up for quite a while, I kept them to show my husband, but I can't find where I put them!0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343.2K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.7K Spending & Discounts
- 235.3K Work, Benefits & Business
- 608.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173.1K Life & Family
- 247.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards