What a mess:-(

loveasale · 14 November 2012 at 9:18AM

Hi all, I've been lurking here for ages, wrote a huge post yesterday ( on wrong forum ) !
Basically it's all gone wrong for me

I used to very confident , strong , able wife and mother , but my whole life is slipping away.
Been with OH for 20 yrs have 2 sons 16 & 14
Work part time OH works full time
We've always had money ups & downs ( like most )
Me & OH always been strong , but a horrid string of events have turned our life (well mine ) upside down.
In the last 3 months we've had to deal with so much going wrong, some just life , others just bad written luck..
OH lazer eye correction failed
Family death
Son got into trouble
OH work cut overtime
OH work announce redundancies
Cat has to have surgery
OH is poorly
Roof leaks
Blah,,,blah,,,,
Then I have a serious car crash,
I really thought it may bring us closer, but in fact it's done the oppersite-
OH has been very low off and on for years, every now and then he's recognised it and been on anti-depressants , other times its been me 'holding him' up. But tbh I'm exhausted, I can't hold them all any more and after my crash tried to tell OH and he slapped back to me that he would move out:eek:
It turns out he's £2500 OD
We are not rich , but I can't see how it's got to this, I'm very careful with money ( I learnt the hard way a few years ago ) he enjoys a few hobbies that cost.
I'm deverstated:(
I now have rebuild my life, my finances, my sons all on a part time wage-
I love my sons very much and I tell them both every day, they are good kids, but OH is very hard on them, and I've noticed we've lost friend because of his behaviour round our sons.
At the moment my main debt is the mortgage , it's £120,000 house is worth 150,000 . It's interest only, I've always wanted to do repayment but OH says we don't earn enough,
I'm good with money - I pay shopping, sons dinner money, clothes and any trips . OOh pays all DDs that come to £900 a month
I earn about £120 -£150 a week .
I've tried so very hard to keep my family together, I now have to admit defeat

I was wondering if the surveys really do pay to do?
I know I need to find more work/ money, I'm not afraid of hard work.
Any ideas?

Thank you, sorry dint know who else to turn too!

Own_My_Own · 14 November 2012 at 9:35AM

Try to stay positive. I know it is hard. I became single with a 4 year old and a 6 week old baby.

You say you have to do it on a part time wage. Does this mean your OH has left, or are you just thinking ahead ?

Before you start panicking, go on to this benefit calculation site, and see what you can get in benefits as a single parent.

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

valk_scot · 14 November 2012 at 9:42AM

Call his bluff? Really, it's a poor response from a partner to threaten to leave you to it when you need some support through difficult times. And being very hard to your sons to the point you're losing friends...this does not sound like a good situation to be in at all. Ask yourself very seriously, rather than expending all this energy on supporting a man who is not giving much emotionally back into the family perhaps you might be better putting yourself and your boys first?

good_advice · 14 November 2012 at 10:42AM

Hiya
What a mess... don't worry, we will all hold hands...
I am about to loose my small job...Redundant.

My advice - instead of trying to earn more money, try to cut back.
Go through your bills and see if you can cut back.
Things like tv, computer and phone package,
Any memberships you have, Phone contracts, Boiler insurance.
I did this a wile back and managed to shave some money off. I felt like Martin on some of his tv money saving shows.

Next start on the gas and electric bill, one of my top hobbies.
Yes, I chat on here often about helping people with their bill.
Always looking for new idea's on how to lower my low fuel bill.

Couples, one often blames the other for something. The closest people are the most affected.Try hard not to answer back - giving fuel for more harsh comments, yep, been there too!

Hobbies, some do cost...if you can afford it then ok, if you cannot, time to look for a free one like chatting on MSE, reading free kindle books and walking the dog.
My pet hate - Oh gives the pools man £10 every week. That's £520 a year!!!!!! will not listen to reason, all on the "if I win you will change your tune!".

Surveys, I do some every week but have so far not done enough to get any reward. You have to do hundreds before you might see £5.

Try the freebie site, I have a cupboard full of stuff, all samples. It does help with the shopping bill. Same with vouchers.

Hope my chat has helped. I am going to get ready and walk the dog , after all it is free!

Take care....

loveasale · 14 November 2012 at 10:56AM

He has not left, but has found somewhere to rent, he's sorting it all out at the moment.
He told me we'd been not happy for years, ( ? )
He is a bully sometimes to our sons. Then he'll be perfect Dad and best of fun at other times.
The same time things started going bad ( only 12 weeks ago ) his anti-depressants ran out and I tried to get him back to Docs but he thinks he's not depressed and its his situation (?) that makes him feel like he does ?
When he's on the anti-depressants he's a lot happier , calmer and much less angry and a much better Dad.
Funny thing is it's not me he's ever horrid to!
He works , has his hobbies (thy are lone ones) and doesn't do much else at the mo.
before anyone asks why I'm still there? I really do love him and we've been the best of friends , lovers and had so many good times that out weigh the bad.
I know I'll get help with tax credits, he's not yet said how much he'll pay but if he's OD now running 2 homes won't be fun!

Welshwoofs · 14 November 2012 at 11:20AM

loveasale wrote: »

I was wondering if the surveys really do pay to do?
I know I need to find more work/ money, I'm not afraid of hard work.
Any ideas?

I can't help with your relationship problems, but can give some advice on the above. Do surveys pay? Yes...they pay a couple of quid in return for you doing hours upon hours of form filling, mostly to be told "Sorry, we already have enough responses." If you are looking for a part-time job to get out of a hole then surveys are not the way to go.

Really if you want to earn more money the best thing you can do is look to your hobbies and see if there's anything you can make/sell on eBay or a weekend market stall. You could start going to car-boots and selling what you buy on eBay (if you have a canny eye you can do fairly well on this).

loveasale · 14 November 2012 at 11:26AM

Thank you 'good advice'
I'm good with money and already looked at bills, I'm on a 2 year Gas & Elec and its actually gone down by £30 a month!
I prob will chop in Sky, I'm only on the lowest as we like the Sky + .
We don't have gym or any other subscription .
We ( me & my sons ) tend to use our inclusive calls on our mobiles so home phone doesn't yet used much but we have a talk talk package with broadband, I think we are locked in for another year.
X

Brighton_belle · 14 November 2012 at 11:39AM

I know this isn't an instant problem, but what is the long term plan for the mortage? If you are interest only, then when the mortgage is due, if you can't pay the £120,000 due, you will be made homeless surely? You need to be aware of this.

It affectively become the same as paying rent for x years and then your contract ending and the landlord issuing Notice to Quit.

HeadAboveWater · 14 November 2012 at 11:39AM

Hi! Well done on posting here - you did the right thing.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a rough time at the minute. There have been a few good responses so far.

I agree with valk_scot:

rather than expending all this energy on supporting a man who is not giving much emotionally back into the family perhaps you might be better putting yourself and your boys first

It may be better to let your OH have the bit of space he seems to think he needs at the minute. There may be things going on in his head that you're not aware of, but I'm sure he already knows that you'll be there as a partner and friend when he needs you.
But at the minute, concentrate on YOU and your boys

Also, agree with good advice in regards to the financial end. When you get a chance, fill in a Statement of Affairs and we can maybe give you some tips and ideas on how you can make the most of your money, and maybe cut back on a few spends too.

Surveys are good but you do need to do a lot to make it worth while. Ebay is good so maybe have a good spring clean around the house and see what you can find! Get the boys to help too! I'm sure there's toys they no longer play with, and with coming up to christmas it's a good time to try to sell them on!

Good luck and keep posting to let us know how you are getting on

fluffymuffy · 14 November 2012 at 11:47AM

Think about renting a spare room out to a lodger. Depending on where you live you might get a professional person who only wants to be there during the week to save a commute. Money from a lodger is tax-free up to a certain amount.

Do you live somewhere short of parking? You can rent your drive out as a parking space. Or as caravan storage.

You can rent out your back garden as an allotment, you might even get some veg as well as a small rent.

Set your sons to work brining in some money - paper rounds, market helper, local grass-cutting.

loveasale · 14 November 2012 at 11:59AM

Brighton belle - yes I know about the interest only and that's why I want to go re-payment, but I need a better income first.
I've always pushed for repayment but he's always said we couldn't afford it !:mad:

What a mess:-(

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