Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 8:53PM

Pretending not to be in in case said friend drives round to check if we're around or not

...sittingere in the dark with curtains drawn:p
x

supersaver1000 · 6 July 2015 at 8:59PM

I try to have a stock answer prepared of need to double check with Dah or/and check the calendar. Gives thinking time. However I don't always think quickly enough :rotfl: inventive excuses take more organising. :rotfl: and you'll have to remember when she asks you how it went

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 9:20PM

Igamogam wrote: »

Hello NOA!

......doing it the long hard way and a bit of 'well I got myself into this pickle I will get myself out kinda attitude' I dont understand all the F&F stuff. It doesnt sit easy with me.For me, IMO, it was never my money in the first place so why should I not be paying it all back??

Your OH on the other hand......................sounds very similar
........ Very active and outdoor type he was coming home exhausted spending hours on PC, not gaming but researching stuff he was dreaming about - house projects,future adventures and getting thoroughly peed off with it all, taking it out on others because he thought it was all out of his reach.

What he didnt do was talk about it!!! He did however see the light re his health when his back gave out and he realised if he didn't get himself back into shape dreams he had would not happen at all, partly because of finances but mainly because of health. Now the financial side of it I think he has shoved his head firmly in the sand - he has yet to have his LBM but health wise things have improved.

A visit to chiropractor put him on a whole new way of thinking about looking after himself. First thing he got was an electronic desk at work and he stands for most of the day now. He started losing weight naturally. began to feel more energised and took it a step further by embarking on the 5:2 diet. 12 months later, 2 stones lighter and a massive house project underway he will be fulfilling a lifetime dream this autumn.........after which I hope its my turn;)

He has very much come to all this on his own and as far as I am concerned he really has no idea what he put me and the DDs through at times over the last few years and if tried to point it out I am sure the defensive wall of denial would come up:o

Now a little tongue in cheek/lighthearted tip re DSs friends .......

Hope things buck up for you soon NOA. I am sure someone will be along soon to advise you on SC.

ETA : oooh sorry rambled a bit!!

Hello Igamogam,
No You haven't rambled ....Thanks so much for sharing- it really helps knowing others have had similar experiences and that it's not just something wrong with me.
Am not sure about F& Fs myself - think I have said before, but one of my creditors has already offered a discount of 40% or so to settle and that was without asking - so that's why I have it in my mind really, no other reason. However even SC have said to me the best thing that can happen is a default because most debts are settled for about half....their words not mine!

Its great that your OH has started to look after himself, hope mine discovers the benefits soon -I can't seem to get it across to him that he has to make time for a break/exercise (look who's talking....:o but the difference is I run around doing housy things and shopping and have to be active without making time for it. Sorry you and DDs have had to put up with similar in the past. WE have done our big building project but it isn't all finished ( no spare money) - all built and livable but not complete .......and its been 8 years :eek:
What he misses most is the holidays, but to be honest I haven't enjoyed the past few anyway. He likes eating out but we obviously don't do much of that either. No idea what he wants. I Need to take a course in mindreading:rotfl:
Re holidays with friends - sounds great but to be honest last few years I haven't had too much socialising with friends parents - kids see each other but I have kept my distance as we never do anything to talk about whereas everyone else seems to jet off to exotic places. I have a few close friends though that I know would do anything to help (but they don't know do they!). DS has been asked a couple of times but by two only children who he didn't want to spend a whole week with 24/7.

xx
Love n hugs
NOA

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 9:24PM

supersaver1000 wrote: »

I try to have a stock answer prepared of need to double check with Dah or/and check the calendar. Gives thinking time. However I don't always think quickly enough :rotfl: inventive excuses take more organising. :rotfl: and you'll have to remember when she asks you how it went

Bobs right about the stalking - I just got a text saying they are still all there chatting if I want to pop over......am going to have to make another lie up now, or just say we've both had a drink now and can't drive.... but what if she offeres to pick us up ....:eek:!!

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 9:32PM

supersaver1000 wrote: »

Just posting to say thank you to Eager Elephant for her post. I feel so much the same, it really helps to hear it from someone else, and I am glad you are coping with it like I am - I do feel that there are a lot of us out there, but sometimes I feel really abnormal.

Noah I hope you are okay - I'm sending hugs and love - you are doing great, it will all work out in the end. I keep thinking of the quote from the Best Marigold Hotel about it will all be fine in the end, and if it isn't fine yet, then it isn't the end yet. I don't know why, but that phrase just lifts me, its almost like saying we aren't dead yet and for some reason that cheers me up :eek::rotfl::T I guess the alternative is .... being dead... :eek: and I'm happy not to be that :rotfl:

I agree with all the EE said. You get to a point where you seem to be able to take control of your life again. It might not seem it right now, but you will get there.

Keep going Noah, you are doing really well. The only other tip I can give is my 'not thinking about it' one. I couldn't have done this last year when I was in a bit of a state, but this year I've got a routine of just refusing to think about worrying things at certain times. It works for me now, don't think it would have worked last year. But although our debts/worries aren't over and won't be for many years, please take comfort that when they get even just a little bit better there will be some respite.

Much hugs to you and to all the strong women out there. xxxx

Thanks SS, much appreciated:)
I'm very happy not be dead too so life is good! I love that phrase too and it's definitely not the end for me yet - I still haven't seen the film and I think No 2 Is out now? its been on my list for a long time.
And you're right Eager's comment about everyone nodding in agreement really hit home because I often do that when I sit and read others diaries - even though I don't post.
Thanks for being there.
Love n hugs
xx
NOA

supersaver1000 · 6 July 2015 at 9:38PM

Someone loaned me the DVD and I'd been meaning to watch it for ages. Yes 2 is out already I think. Xx

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 9:57PM

LastFewSteps wrote: »

Hi Noa,
I've been reading your diary for a little while and just wanted to say you are truly inspirational, keep going you can do it,
Im sorry your dh hasn't seen the light just yet, is he maybe feeling frustrated with himself that even though he does as much work/earns as much as he can it's still not enough and he doesn't know what else he can do, and perhaps he can't express this to you in words, my dh was like this at the start of our journey (many years ago) he worked as much as possible, full time in the days and took 2nd/3rd jobs at evenings and weekends, to him it felt like he was forever working and we still didn't have enough money, and I'm sure he felt that he was doing all of it for nothing (I on the other hand knew it wasn't for nothing it was for paying back all the things we'd had that we shouldn't have, if you see what I mean) my dh was terrible for getting into strops because we couldn't afford things and also because he was just so tired all the time, and he just couldn't find a way to express it to us, we just thought he was a moody *insert any rude name here* :rotfl: I managed to get it out of him in the end with a little coaxing and reading between the lines on my part, but I'm lucky because even though he struggled we still kind of worked together I know it's not like that for everyone
I think men (not all) take so much longer to get used to a change in things whereas we tend to see a problem and get on with fixing it while they spend most of their time dwelling on it and getting nowhere, also wanted to say I've come from a not quite normal family and it really does take some time to realise that the way you were brought up wasn't quite the right way and that there are different ways of dealing with things and ways to express how you're feeling, it just takes a while to figure that out and sometimes people may never do that, anyway I've rambled on, just a thought I wanted to add, not to sure if any of it makes sense :rotfl: I hope he comes to his sense soon
you are doing an absolutely fab job dealing with everything,and believe me one day in the future the worry about phone calls and letters will all be gone one way or another and it's a lovely feeling which will come to you eventually

ETA sorry about the terrible grammar and punctuation was typing in a rush

HI LastFew Steps, Thanks for coming by and taking the time to post. I have seen your username a quite a few times and love it ..... sounds great to be near the end of your journey -- I will look up your thread:)
Thank you for your lovely words too, I always feel very embarrassed that people actually read my mundane waffle, sometimes I just pour it all out without thinking about how it sounds or reads :ocan't type fast enough. I rarely see myself as inspirational! I always feel I'm slowly drowning, but I do know that I have perseverance and determination, and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do to give DD and DS the best that I feel I can give them to set them on their way in life. I didn't bring them into this world to give them any less than the best I can do.

DH tends to pick on DS a bit. he was fine with them when they were little , but can't handle them having their own opinions and not doing as they are told, esp DS (who is now several inches taller than his dad!). Too much testosterone and sometimes I daren't leave them by themselves because DH expects too much, and often says "At y our age I was ....." Lots of resentment I think and I'm desperately hoping its not against DD/DS. He gives lots of affection to DD at the moment, but not many cuddles or hugs between father and son.
So much to say but can't formulate the words at the moment so am.
but I agree with you totally, about not wanting to impose your own upbringing on children - just had a thought though ....am I doing the very same?

Love n HUgs
Noa
xx

NoOneAround · 6 July 2015 at 10:06PM

Bobarella wrote: »

Wow NOA I think she is stalking you

Its sad reading about your husband. What does he want to happen in all of this? Is he as commited as you to fighting on, keeping the house etc?

Sometimes things are so complicated. My business has had more ups and downs than I care to mention, and at each time of crisis my OH has said,'is it worth keeping on when you are so stressed?' but I never feel like giving up because I dont like failing. I think I see failure in a very different light to OH. He doesnt take things to heart the same way. Anyway I just wondered if it was a bit like that. You dont want to quit, but he doesnt care in the same way??
Who knows, its rubbish having to second guess others though isnt it.
If theres one thing I remember from my childhood that has scarred me for life, its every time my Dad behaved badly, again! My Mum would say 'oh but he had a terrible childhood' now what child wants to hear that? I really hope your DS can be a good role model for your son.

And sleep better tonight.

Bob

Thanks Bob,
That's exactly the problem, I don't want DD/DS to have childhood like their dad's, but am more and more fearful that DS especially will remember this period we are going through in a negative way.

The really sad thing is that DH is blaming all this on money (lack of), but actually it wouldn't matter to me if we had a million tomorrow - I wouldn't be any happier in our relationship.

Thank you for sharing.
Love n Hugs
Noa
xx

NoOneAround · 7 July 2015 at 7:50AM

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." said Victor Hugo

Cynical? who, me?:D

But I like this one better...
"There are two ways to spread happiness; either be the light who shines it or be the mirror who reflects it." (Edith Wharton)

Its dark and grey and dismal outside, intermittent downpours, but I declare today a
Be Happy Day.:)
Pass it on:)
xx
Love you all to bits
NOA

LastFewSteps · 7 July 2015 at 9:06AM

That's exactly the way I feel about my children, I want them to have the best start I can possibly give them and I quite often drive dh bonkers with my worry of "do they have, do, see, try, enough different things" I know they have each of those things and more but I think its a mother worry that's never going to go away, no matter how much I do with/for them !

"DH tends to pick on DS a bit. he was fine with them when they were little , but can't handle them having their own opinions and not doing as they are told, esp DS (who is now several inches taller than his dad!)."
I could have written this myself ! My dh and Ds2 are constantly at each other, I feel that Dh expects constant perfect behaviour from him but the thing is, according to my MIL, dh was just like ds2 when he was young ! I then expect him to understand why ds2 behaves as he does and ease up a bit (he's not naughty, thank goodness, he just loves to joke about and wind up his brother and sister and he can't keep still for a minute :rotfl: ) I then think dh is too hard on ds and ds knows mum will save the day for him but then mum has created tension between mum and dh ! it's a never ending circle of arguments sometimes !

"He gives lots of affection to DD at the moment, but not many cuddles or hugs between father and son. "
Oh I could have written this too, I think you have my dh :rotfl:
Only this morning were we laughing about how dh wakes the children differently. To the DS's : "BOYS GET UP NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE !!! " (lots of banging and lights turning on) To DD : "sweetheart, it's time to wake up, have you had a good sleep" (gentle whispered tones and a kiss on forehead) :rotfl:

I read a quote somewhere about how mothers and fathers are with their sons and daughters, it was something about how
Boys wrap their mums around their little finger but dads know what the sons are doing because they were a little boy once and did the same things themselves, and vice versa for mums and daughters, and I have to agree, after reading it I noticed I was much softer with the boys than dd but that was because she does exactly what I did when I was young to get my own way so I can read her like a book, whereas dh not being a girl wouldn't understand and me not being a boy wouldn't know what the blighters are doing to me

funny you should mention cuddles between dh and ds, I too was worrying about this and brought it up with my dh and DS's, you should have seen the look on their faces ! Ds1 answered with "mam ! Men don't cuddle ! We shake hands" :rotfl: I realised then that they are growing up and are now staring to show affection in their own ways which is usually hollering at some sports game together and then patting each other on the back, we ladies are far too soppy for our own good

I recently suggested that dh and DS's go out and do something together without dd and I, I thought it would be a good opportunity for them to "bond" without mum nagging about how they should act with each other and dd taking all of dads attention away, they are going to start something next week so I shall let you know if I notice any difference

I am also slowly coming to terms with the fact that dh and I are different people and we sometimes have different parenting ideas, on the whole we are on the same page but now and then we don't agree and that's just how it is and I'm starting to realise that's fine, because what's the point of two parents that do and say exactly the same things.

So sorry Noa I have rambled on and hijacked your thread again !
Feel free to block me :rotfl: x

Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

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