Real-life MMD: Should I confront my indebted sister?
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If Mum ever needed care and it was found that she had given away money, the deprivation of capital rules would come into play and she could be left without care.
No!! Get your facts straight, this only applies if the money was given away with the express purpose of reducing the donors capital to a level where assistance would become available. It does not apply where it can be shown to be for genuine family reasons with no intent to defraud the government.0 -
I'll put the wandering eyes down to genuine concern rather than nosiness or one upmanship. That being so, why doesn't your sister feel able to open up to you her caring sibling? Maybe she has already discussed things with mum; assuming mum is not too frail to be expected to deal with such matters. Maybe your sister is uncomfortable admitting her "failure" to you and that questions whether you are the best person to approach her. Do lots of soul searching before you plunge in and poke your nose in where it's not wanted. If you really want to help and mum is able to cope, she could be the person you could confide in. You need to explain your actions and that they were in the best interests and together you and mum could find a way of supporting your sister as she gets herself out of debt.0
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Do NOT confront her, you are not Jeremy Kyle and this situation calls for a sympathetic approach not a confrontational one. How many of us would admit to a problem we could not resolve ourselves if 'confronted'.
You do not state how much money is owed and if it is as a result of a problem with self assessment. As another poster stated the HMRC quite often get things wrong. Your sister may be self employed and have the money set aside to pay her taxes but may be disputing the amount owed.
Just ask your sister if all is well with her and if she trusts you and has a problem she will tell you. If not, then she probably sees your interest as interference in her affairs.
As to your mother, you do not state what her financial position is or if she is a pensioner in her own home or in social housing. Visit her when your sister is out and chat to her about her situation but without critising her daughter. You can talk about extortionate energy costs, rising food prices etc. and see what she has to say. Give her an opening to state her concerns but without criticism. You may have to visit a few times before she opens up or until you are satisfied that your mum is not affected by any possible debts of your sisters. Unless your sister is mistreating your mother there is very little you can do unless she tells you there is a problem.Some Burke bloke quote: all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to say nothing. :silenced:0 -
Mind your own business.0
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darren_lane wrote: »I would make yourself 'power of attorney' or at least make yourself responsible for your Mum's financial matters on the sly.
Once she is 'safe', speak to your sister.
Don't 'confront' her as its not your business.
It is your business to look after your mother.
Too many people shirk their responsibility towards their parents, well done for trying to look after your Mum.
By the sound of it, you're prepared to look after (to some degree) your sister which is admirable but you can only help those that want to be helped.
Why would you do this "on the sly?" That sounds awful.0 -
darren_lane wrote: »I would make yourself 'power of attorney' or at least make yourself responsible for your Mum's financial matters on the sly.
Once she is 'safe', speak to your sister.
Don't 'confront' her as its not your business.
It is your business to look after your mother.
Too many people shirk their responsibility towards their parents, well done for trying to look after your Mum.
By the sound of it, you're prepared to look after (to some degree) your sister which is admirable but you can only help those that want to be helped.
You can't make yourself Power of Attorney and why would you do anything "on the sly?" That sounds awful.0 -
Letters from HMRC are usually marked Private and Confidential and that is for a reason, they are only meant to be read by the person they are addressed to!0
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We just don't know enough about the family dynamics involved in this situation.
Could this be bossy successful big sister trying to organise the financial lives of mum and younger sister?
Rule one - don't get your own money involved.
Rule two - back your winners, when they ask you for money, unless the proposition comes with a cast iron business plan say no. If people need to borrow money, that is what banks are for.
However families should be about sticking together - has anyone done an audit of mum's sources of income, tax paid, benefits claimed?
If the two sisters can cooperate on making sure mum is not on a slippery slope and is maximising her income, then in the process the sister's little debt difficulties should emerge. However what might emerge is deep seated family resentments and distrust. So be prepared to back off and bite your lip.
Us there a trusted third party that might be prepared to adjudicate, mum's brother perhaps?
[Don't all families have a member at risk from addiction to debt/drugs/drink/tobacco/dangerous sports/ill-advised attraction to unsuitable partners...........?]
Sometimes you just have to accept that adults have a right to be perverse & irresponsible.
This attitude seems to have been the meme of the last 12 months, justifying all sorts of behaviour:
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Unfortunately, we don't know enough about your sister, her temprement, your relationship with her or how much your mother is involved regarding your sister's financial situation. Only YOU know these things, so I have to say that only YOU can judge whether a confrontation is wise or not. I am also baffled as to how her HMRC mail came to you address - so many reasons for this too!
However, in my own personal experience, I have found that no matter how carefully you tread in such matters, it rarely goes well and could cause a lot of family upset which may take some time to repair. But, in some circumstances this could be just the opportunity to face the problems that your sister needs.0
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