14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name · 28 January 2017 at 12:54PM

Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.

[Deleted User] · 28 January 2017 at 1:39PM

I'm so sorry, to have such a sudden end after such a long time is a massive shock, and you will be grieving right now. I don't know what the future will hold for you, but right now I think you should take one day at a time, or else it is overwhelming.
You need trusted people around you - please ask a friend or relative to keep you company. You might say nothing much, or you might repeat yourself, but it will help to have someone there.
Also grief is a physical blow, it might seem odd, but look after yourself physically. Keep warm, drink sweet tea, eat if you can, sleep lots if you feel like it.
One thing at a time. Hugs and sympathy from someone whose 6 year relationship ended out of the blue one day. These were the things that helped me in the first days.

my-user-name · 28 January 2017 at 1:44PM

Thank you Cherry for your wise words.
He has told his son but he hasn't told him the reason why.Hes moved back to his mums home and is looking for alternative accommodation,again he hasn't explained why we are separating,in his words " its none of their business" so yet again hes still not opening up

The thought of telling family and friends fills me with dread,I just feel I need to get over this shock first before I start to talk to people who know us.

McKneff · 28 January 2017 at 1:47PM

and dont forget, you are also allowed to be angry, very angry.
Its normal, its part of greiving, just let it flow, chuck a few plates at the wall, outside if you want,

Hope you will be okay.

my-user-name · 28 January 2017 at 1:54PM

Anger is one of the emotions I'm feeling right now McKneff along with hurt,upset and flustration .I asked him how long had he felt like this and he couldn't answer.However we went on holiday last September and I definatly felt we had a fabulous time together.I asked if he didn't love me way back then and he said"well we was in holiday mode" so again I pressed it and he replied"I put my feelings on a back burner while we was there" .Now I just feel those memories are tarnished.
Its crazy how he never opens up on his feelings but when I eventually ask him and demand answers,these are what I got.Maybe I should of kept those questions to myself.

[Deleted User] · 28 January 2017 at 1:56PM

my-user-name wrote: »

The thought of telling family and friends fills me with dread,I just feel I need to get over this shock first before I start to talk to people who know us.

I remember that feeling well! I didn't want to "make it real" by bringing others into this world where the breakup is happening. Maybe then your closest people are not the best ones right now. Do you have a neighbour, work friend, hobby friend? People are only too happy to help in my experience, if you only ask. I would say can you come round for a cup of tea, I've had some bad news about my relationship and could do with a bit of company for an hour.

Poor_Single_lady · 28 January 2017 at 1:58PM

Be kind to yourself. I am another 6 year survivor. It is early days and the feeling I think is indescribable. Be kind to yourself and yes look after your health right now.

I remember the dread of telling people but honestly it was ok and I think it will be for you too. But it's just happened and it does hurt. Right now be kind to yourself and spend time with people who love you and remember to eat and keep warm.sending you hugs. x

my-user-name · 28 January 2017 at 2:01PM

I do have a good friend who I'm seeing this Thursday but last night she emailed me to say she had a mammogram 2 weeks ago and shes been called back for further tests so she has enough on her plate and I'm trying to help her through that right now.
It was last Saturday when he actually told me the words I didn't want to hear and this morning he moved out.All week I had to go to work and I told no one even though I have a great bunch of work collegues,with them not knowing I strongly felt I could cope at work and I did cope so I feel I have to keep it out of the workplace otherwise Id never be able to do my job.
Its just a bloody mess with no answers to help me from him.

my-user-name · 28 January 2017 at 2:03PM

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

Be kind to yourself. I am another 6 year survivor. It is early days and the feeling I think is indescribable. Be kind to yourself and yes look after your health right now.

I remember the dread of telling people but honestly it was ok and I think it will be for you too. But it's just happened and it does hurt. Right now be kind to yourself and spend time with people who love you and remember to eat and keep warm.sending you hugs. x

Thank you Poor_Single,I know they would be understanding but right now I cant get my head around it.I know in time I will.

jackieblack · 28 January 2017 at 2:12PM

This happened to me after 24 years together (23 years married).

After the initial shock/anger/upset/grief, and I'd had a chance to 'get my head around it', I decided that instead of being bitter that my marriage had ended I would be grateful for the happy years we had together.
Although it isn't how I'd have chosen things to work out, I was grateful that he respected me enough to be honest with me. If he was no longer happy with me, it was best for both of us that he left. I would have hated to find out later that he had stayed for any reason other than because he wanted to be with me.
We agreed to treat each other, and our years together with respect and to put what was best for our daughter first. Although it wasn't what he wanted any more, neither of us regretted having met and married in the first place. We'd spent half of our lives together and nothing would erase that. We agreed to behave like mature adults and not to descend to the kind of playground behaviour that too often seems to accompany break ups/divorce and which benefits no-one.

Two years on we are divorced with the finances amicably agreed and settled legally. We have managed to remain friends. We can both call on the other for help, if needed, eg he's helped me out with a few DIY things that were beyond me, he comes round with any forms he needs help with etc.

It hasn't always been easy, especially in the beginning, and I know lots of people (including our daughter) find it weird, but it's worked for us.

helcat26 · 28 January 2017 at 2:19PM

I am sorry to hear you are having a miserable time.

If I can suggest it I think a little rage would be good for you.
Do you want him back after he has treated you this way? Is it fair that this has all been a one way decision?

Perhaps he thinks he has full control of this and can come back if he pleases?
Get angry. Pack his stuff up and give him a time to collect it by. Tell him to leave the keys.
It might give him a shock.
Do not go for damage or revenge, you are better than that

14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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