14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 29 March 2017 at 10:42PM

He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

Yipes.

If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].

In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.

my-user-name · 29 March 2017 at 11:06PM

elona wrote: »

Gosh

What a bucket of cold water poured over your head to find out what he said was the reason.

So what is yours is ours and what is his is his financially.

Have you a case for mis selling and compensation re the pension ? It could be worth investigating.

I don't know what to say about his attitude to finance except that he sounds like a selfish person who just does not "get" the idea of a couple or partnership.

Hugs

Yep a huge ice cold bucket elona but at least I finally have the reason and I can carry on with life knowing what it was and what kind of person he actually was throughout our relationship.
Men eh??

pinkduvetdiva · 29 March 2017 at 11:10PM

my-user-name wrote: »

Update
I came into contact with him a few days ago when he came onto the block to speak to a resident(residents committee work),this is the first time I came face to face with him since we had split ,we had words.....very bad words indeed.During this episode he kept saying "move on,move on with your life" that's all I kept hearing.

Anyway I heard nothing until last night when he rang me up,asked me if I was ok and asked if he could try and explain things to me that he couldn't explain when he left me...........so I said yes.(I know,I need a good slapping)

Last night he called to my home and I allowed him in,he was shocked to see my living room,its now a total transformation to what he remembers it to be.
He started off giving the usual rubbish but once I spoke about money or the lack of money he gave while living with me,then everything changed and the truth finally came out.
He said he gave me very little because it was more important to save money for his future,I said to him "your future??don't you mean our future?" to which he replied" no my future because when you reach 60 you was supposed to be getting a lump sum of around £20,000 plus from the 16 years you worked as a civil servant so I knew you would be ok and you would have your own money and I would have mine"(meaning I would have my own money and I wouldn't have to ask for any of his)

However last November I asked for a pension forecast because I am due to receive it next January 2018.I was told it wouldn't be the amount I was told many years ago and the reason is because half way through the 16 years I changed my pension from classic to classic plus,a bad move on my part.I only changed the scheme because some man in a suit came to our workplace and persuaded me to change schemes and he told me I would get even more money when I retire.I found this out in November last year that my lump sum and monthly pension in 2018 would be a very low one ,strangely around the same time he changed towards me.

He then said " a month or two before we separated I realised that because you will only be receiving a very small amount it will mean that I would have to look after you financially and I decided it was something I wasn't willing to do and this is the reason why I called it a day between us...........how do you answer that????

Yes I wanted to go for his throat,yes I wanted him over the balcony but I remained calm and said a simple" ok,now its payback time,you can pay me back the money you didn't pay me in the 14 years we were together"I honestly thought he would tell me where to go but he said he would pay for the decorating Ive done in the hallway and living room and I refused point blank on that..Suddenly it became like a transaction,like we were a divorced couple sorting out our finances,I couldn't believe it was happening.Theres me actually negotiating a price of a 14 year relationship and this was the first time I had actually talked money with him.
In the end I said "ok I,ll accept £7,000 and I think you've got a bargain with that" he agreed and shook my hand and then left after saying he will put it in my bank account by Wednesday of next week.
Never in a million years did I think that would happen but it did.It was cold,he was cold and while this was going on I was cold too,I actually negotiated a deal on our 14 year relationship.I never slept last night,I kept on saying to myself"did that really happen"?? but it did.Where the hell I got the amount of £7,000 from I just don't know??
Do I feel good about it??I don't know??did I slink down to his level?,yes I think I did.
He was cold throughout all of this,hes a man I never really knew but last night is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.
It does seem clear he probably never loved me at all and when Ive mentioned before I was just a landlady with the odd sex thrown in I guess it was just that and nothing else.
I just haven't a clue what the hell happened last night??? what a weird ending????
Sorry for it being so long winded,

:eek: The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx

my-user-name · 29 March 2017 at 11:13PM

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

Yipes.

If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].

In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.

Its not that he wanted to get his claws into my money Jojo,it was the fact he didn't want my claws getting into his money.If I was to receive the original amount then I wouldn't of needed to make him help me financially so basically if it was the original amount then I would of still paid half towards any future holidays or treats and I would still pay my own half if we had gone out for meal etc.The thought of me not having money made him run for the hills.:(
There wasn't only me who fell for this blokes patter,a few others did too but at the time he came into our workplace I was on my own so I thought if I pay extra then I,ll have more when I retire,forward planning and all that.A few collegues said don't touchit with a barg pole but I did and so did others.I cant do anything until I actually get the money next January then I will take it further.Ive spoken to POA and they just shook their heads and said I was stupid for signing up for it,they said if it sounds too good to be true then it usually is.

my-user-name · 29 March 2017 at 11:17PM

pinkduvetdiva wrote: »

:eek: The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx

You see pink,they actually might of made a mistake,Im not 100% they are correct.
In 1997 I joined the civil service and was on "classic" pension,the bloke came in 2001 I think and it was then I changed to "classic plus".The person who I spoke to on the phone in November didn't actually sound clued up so maybe ,just maybe she might of given me the figures of just one of the pension lump sum and not combined both together.
God that would be a turn up for the books lol
Id put a advert in our local papers if they got it wrong lol

LannieDuck · 30 March 2017 at 7:11AM

You can get details of the different civil service pension schemes online. Would be worth printing of a summary of the two different schemes. Also, pension advisers will be very familiar with them, so you'd easily be able to get proper help to find out if necessary.

The old civil service pensions schemes were good. I don't think your pot will have vanished or shrank that much.

Edit: Having looked into it further, my guess below isn't correct:

Is it possible that the civil service plus scheme provided a larger pot for a delayed retirement? e.g. at 65 years instead of 60? We had something similar with the NHS pensions a while back. If so, you'd be right that you don't get anything this year, but you might have something good coming in a few years.

spirit · 30 March 2017 at 7:38AM

Good grief MUN, what a piece of filth he is isn't he!

He is a conniving, mercenary, cold hearted idiot and yes, you are well rid.

Going by the sort of person he seems to be, I wouldn't put it past him cheating and setting some other meal ticket up.

I don't know about pensions, but agree you should investigate that.
Keep us posted.

Primrose · 30 March 2017 at 7:49AM

Well, if the £7,000 ever appears in your bank account, buy premium bonds with it and I hope you rapidly win the £1 million prize. That would really be getting your quiet revenge for some truly horrible treatment. I feel for you. There is nothing you can do about it except to be grateful that you're not having to spend the rest of your life with somebody who was prepared to treat you so heartlessly.

Pollycat · 30 March 2017 at 8:07AM

TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
I don't think you sank down to his level.
In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)?

I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.

LannieDuck · 30 March 2017 at 8:57AM

Pollycat wrote: »

TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
I don't think you sank down to his level.
In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)?

I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.

Oh yes, good idea. They'll almost certainly know the schemes you're talking about.

14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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