I've told my son to leave. I feel awful.

Hi Guys

Thank you for reading.

My son is 21. The last few years have been difficult, not majorly perhaps. No police involvement, no physical violence.

I love my son dearly, but it seems fairly obvious he does not love me.

He has borrowed money without asking, helps himself to things that aren't his, breaks them, takes them and only owns up when he is caught out, he then makes promises to replace/pay back but this never happens.

He works full time, but his time keeping is absolutely atrocious, he turns up to work about 45 minutes late every day without so much as an apology. He has now been given a first and final warning for constant lateness and for being caught making out with his girlfriend in the office at work. Regardless of this he is still late.

I was stupid enough to give him a sum of money a few years ago for driving lessons and he had money left him in his Grandads will. He has squandered the lot and has nothing to show for it. Although he lied for months saying he still had it.

I asked him to pay some rent, which I set at £30 pw, this covered everything, (he was eating steak everynight, as was in to the gym). Initially this was going ok, but then he decided that his room was a lot smaller than his mates, so without discussion he lowered his rent. He has since decided he is never home, and spends his time as his girlfriends, which he does, so he has stopped his rent completely (again without discussion).

He has constantly over stepped boundaries, smoking in his room, coming home drunk, coming home in the early hours, banging the doors, throwing up etc etc, all the normal stuff.

About ten months ago he decided he was going to do his motorbike test, instead of doing the test he bought a brand new motorbike, that he didn't know how to use. It stood for months in the garden, whilst he tried to ride it. I nagged and nagged him to insure it, but this fell on deaf ears. Eventually the bike needed to be parked at the front of our house, so my son took his test, (failing the first) he passed second time. (My son doesn't expect to have to put any effort in to anything, hence being sent home from his first test!) I purchased for my son Kevlar clothing, hoody, jeans and a chain lock for his bike. A month or so later the bike was stolen in broad daylight. (My son accused me of putting someone up to it because I don't approve of him having a bike). (His bike was not chain locked when it was stolen).

The bike was on HP, he had paid off very little, and didn't get what he wanted from the insurance. He did however, get a court fine which he has criticised, dismissed and hidden. (for the bike not being insured from the day of purchase) When questioned about it he has lied and said it was paid off. The letters start coming through the letter box. He totally ignores them. I find one of the letters and stupidly pay it for him, at first he's really grateful "thanks Mom you didn't need to do that" etc etc. We agreed he paid me back in instalments, £35 pm. I ask him for £35, he says he hasn't got it and that I shouldn't have paid the debt anyway, it was a 'stupid fine'. He has no intention of paying what he owes me. - Low and behold another letter comes, I hoped it was a receipt for what I had paid. (My son confirmed it was a thank you letter) He leaves the letter on his bed, and it says the payment could not be accepted, because it had been so long since it had been issued it had been passed on to an enforcement agency, another fee has been added to it). Another lie.

I am unable to contact my son unless he is in a wifi area, because he hasn't paid his mobile phone bill.

In the background to this, since my sons bike has been stolen he has bought another 3 bikes, not knowing anything about them, or the running of. (My husband, his Step Dad has offered to assist, but my son wants everything NOW) The most recent one, he seized the engine, because he doesn't understand the need for 'oil'. Hence it was worth nothing. I thought he had moved on from the bike thing, but he lets it slip he's now getting another one. He buys bikes like other people buy petrol.

The letters keep coming through the door, but my son hasn't been living here for months, he has stopped his rent, and only appears once every couple of weeks. He has a girlfriend he has been with for just over a year, a nice girl, with a son. He has told her what an awful mother I am and how i have destroyed his life.

On occassion, my son returns home because he and his girlfriend have had a row, he then looks around the house for razors which he breaks into litte pieces and drags violently through his flesh on his thighs, this is another turn to option that he takes if I don't give him the answers that he wants or if we approach a topic of conversation that he does not like. I have entered his room in the morning unknowing that he has self harmed and there are puddles of blood on his bedroom floor. It's almost a manipulation thing, 'If I don't get my own way, I will scar myself for life'.

I can't do this anymore, he is breaking my heart and making me ill. We have arranged family counselling but he refuses to go.

Last night, he appeard at about 10:30, and started to cook himself tea in the kitchen as if he is there every night. He's returned because he doesn't want to be around his girlfriends son who has chicken pox. (Not a thought about the rest of us) He never comes back to see us or enquire about how we are, it's all him, him, him.

I just flipped, he is one of those people that spends his money on what he wants. He has no bills to pay perse, but is still in debt up to his eye balls. Any letters that come for him now, I mark the envelope as 'gone away' I told him this. We aren't rich, but we make sure our bills are paid before anything else. We have offered to do budgeting plans with him and I have offered to refer him for assistance elsewhere, but he's not interested. He just hides them away and pretends they aren't serious. I swear he needs to live in the real world.

It was my Moms birthday at the weekend, he asked if I could sign his name at the bottom of our card (I would normally do this, but he has his own family now, as he likes to tell us) (for my Moms sake) I bought him a couple of separate cards to choose from. He can afford to smoke, to drink, to eat out and to buy a new motorbike every month but can't afford to buy his Nan a birthday card.

It wasn't a particularly heated argument last night, but I think it's been a while coming and I just said to him 'you don't live here anymore, you don't pay rent, you've left us with your debt letters, leave and put your key on the side' .... he gave me some verbal back, I informed him he was 21 and that he no longer had a right to be there. He started f'ing and b'ing at me and I told my husband to call the police, warning my son that if the police came, it would be on his records and chances are he would lose his job.

My son tried to manipulate me again asking if I wanted a hug before he left. He knows exactly how to play me, and this is obvious. I said 'no'. He left his key on the ledge by the door and left. When he went he said "A lovely way to be dismissed from the family, ..... i'm sorry you wont be able to contact me".

I have often threatened to throw him out, but it's never actually come to anything, he's gone and come back a few hours later, not again, enough is enough. I feel awful. I feel like a failure as a Mom. I would do anything for him, but he has to learn - doesn't he?

Tough love (?) have I been too tough?