Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give as much if I'm only going to the evening do?

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Former_MSE_Megan_F
Former_MSE_Megan_F Posts: 418 Forumite
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edited 4 October 2016 at 10:42AM in Marriage, relationships & families
This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...
A group of us are chipping in for a wedding present for our friend, but some are going to the full day, and the rest of us are just going to the evening do. I don't feel I should have to contribute as much as those who are there all day.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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  • fourxxxx
    fourxxxx Posts: 9 Forumite
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    What on earth has it to do whether you go to the all day do or just the evening do?
    You put what you can afford and how much you know the person.
  • Pixie5740
    Pixie5740 Posts: 14,515 Forumite
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    As a rule of thumb I wouldn't spend as much on a wedding present when I'm only invited to the evening do compared with when I'm invited to the full day. The reason being that I'm usually closer to those who would invite me to the whole day.

    There are no right and wrong rules. If you can't agree with the group on how much to put in then skadoosh the group present and get something by yourself to suit your budget.
  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,501 Forumite
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    Is she a more expensive friend if you spend all day with her and a cheaper one if you only spend the night?

    Puh-leese.....
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
  • Pixie5740
    Pixie5740 Posts: 14,515 Forumite
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    -taff wrote: »
    Is she a more expensive friend if you spend all day with her and a cheaper one if you only spend the night?

    Puh-leese.....

    Well if some people in the friendship group are being invited to the full wedding and others just to the evening do, do the bride & groom view all in the group equally? Are they closer (better friends) with those going to the full day?

    In any case no one should feel pressured into contributing more towards a present than they are comfortable with.
  • lazywife
    lazywife Posts: 593 Forumite
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    If you are all going in, then you should all put in the same amount.
    I would personally put less in to the evening than if i was going all day. Couldn't you do two separate gifts for those that are all day and those in evening?
  • LilElvis
    LilElvis Posts: 5,835 Forumite
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    lazywife wrote: »
    If you are all going in, then you should all put in the same amount.
    I would personally put less in to the evening than if i was going all day. Couldn't you do two separate gifts for those that are all day and those in evening?

    Why bother? The happy couple won't know who put in a fiver as opposed to fifty with a group present.

    It's a group present so no one is going to make petty judgments as to how much an individual paid.
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,150 Forumite
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    I'd probably put in less, for the same reason stated above. I'd expect to be invited to evening only, if I'm not a close relative or friend of the bride or groom.
  • shoeaddict2310
    shoeaddict2310 Posts: 6 Forumite
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    If you even have to ask this question about a friends wedding gift I don't think your very good friends and maybe you shouldn't go at all...
  • Ladyhawk
    Ladyhawk Posts: 2,064 Forumite
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    I find evening only invitations incredibly offensive and rude. I refuse to go just to the evening bit. If Im not a good enough friend to be invited to the ceremony the Im not going to turn up to make up the numbers in the evening. Save yourself money and worry and be otherwise engaged that evening.
    Man plans and God laughs...
    Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry. But by demonstrating that all people cry, laugh, eat, worry and die, it introduces the idea that if we try to understand each other, we may even become friends.
  • Kynthia
    Kynthia Posts: 5,668 Forumite
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    Ladyhawk wrote: »
    I find evening only invitations incredibly offensive and rude. I refuse to go just to the evening bit. If Im not a good enough friend to be invited to the ceremony the Im not going to turn up to make up the numbers in the evening. Save yourself money and worry and be otherwise engaged that evening.

    Wow, how is an invite offensive? Talk about a sense of entitlement when an invite to a party with food and music 'isn't enough'.

    Some people will put less towards a gift if they're an evening guest usually because they aren't a very close relative or friend, rather than directly as the result of the invite being for the evening only. As everyone's amounts would be different then it's an individual thing. So either put on what the group are chipping in because you're okay with that amount or do your own thing. The group having a two tier contribution figure for the gift is over the top and unlikely to happen.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
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