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  • FIRST POST
    • Kirstie_
    • By Kirstie_ 11th Nov 17, 7:07 PM
    • 60Posts
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    Kirstie_
    Parents want to meet boyfriend
    • #1
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:07 PM
    Parents want to meet boyfriend 11th Nov 17 at 7:07 PM
    So my parents have said because me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for a good while and I've been staying over.

    My mum and dad want to meet my boyfriend, My boyfriend says its fine we can go out and they can stay over. I say I can cook.

    I'm worried because my mum on numerous occasions has said that she is worried because I'm a coeliac that I am not eating properly (I am) when I stay at my boyfriends, She is worried because he lives in Manchester (In a suburb) its not a safe area and when my boyfriend works away that I'm at risk. She also has some other thoughts that are incorrect and I'm worried she will be vocal and upset my boyfriend.

    Should I speak to my mum beforehand? Or just prewarn my boyfriend?
Page 1
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 11th Nov 17, 7:22 PM
    • 6,026 Posts
    • 7,776 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    • #2
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:22 PM
    • #2
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:22 PM
    Talk to your boyfriend.

    Discuss with him how your mum may react and how you would like to address it (e.g. both of you simply saying to her that you are happy / not concerned about the locality / looking after your health / not interested in discussing those issues.

    And consider having an exit strategy. At what point, if your mum is offensive to your boyfriend, will you and he leave?

    If you are worried that she will be offensive then consider meeting away from your home so you don't have to tolerate inappropriate behaviour.

    You can also speak to your mum ahead of time. Be clear - let her know that she has made comments about your partner in the past, that she is mistaken in her assumptions and that you expect her to respect you and your boyfriend.

    Where is your dad in all this? You refer to 'parents'.
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 11th Nov 17, 7:31 PM
    • 11,029 Posts
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    DUTR
    • #3
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:31 PM
    • #3
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:31 PM
    So my parents have said because me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for a good while and I've been staying over.

    My mum and dad want to meet my boyfriend, My boyfriend says its fine we can go out and they can stay over. I say I can cook.

    I'm worried because my mum on numerous occasions has said that she is worried because I'm a coeliac that I am not eating properly (I am) when I stay at my boyfriends, She is worried because he lives in Manchester (In a suburb) its not a safe area and when my boyfriend works away that I'm at risk. She also has some other thoughts that are incorrect and I'm worried she will be vocal and upset my boyfriend.

    Should I speak to my mum beforehand? Or just prewarn my boyfriend?
    Originally posted by Kirstie_
    Speak to your Mum, she can't control the rest of your life!
    She may appear to have best intentions, but it can later turn out to be interferring, yes pre warn your BF.
    • Kirstie_
    • By Kirstie_ 11th Nov 17, 7:34 PM
    • 60 Posts
    • 19 Thanks
    Kirstie_
    • #4
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:34 PM
    • #4
    • 11th Nov 17, 7:34 PM
    My dad just wants peace and quiet.

    I was thinking of taking my boyfriend up on the offer, we meet away from home and when she starts getting personal we can just go. I haven't really thought of an "exit strategy"

    My mum still think the things she does, because once I come home and missed breakfast and lunch she thought he wasn't feeding me, I just got up late and missed lunch! So in her mind theres an issue.
    • Dolly_Rocker
    • By Dolly_Rocker 11th Nov 17, 8:12 PM
    • 16 Posts
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    Dolly_Rocker
    • #5
    • 11th Nov 17, 8:12 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Nov 17, 8:12 PM
    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking
    • Kirstie_
    • By Kirstie_ 11th Nov 17, 8:21 PM
    • 60 Posts
    • 19 Thanks
    Kirstie_
    • #6
    • 11th Nov 17, 8:21 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Nov 17, 8:21 PM
    26 but she is very protective
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 11th Nov 17, 9:36 PM
    • 1,179 Posts
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    lika_86
    • #7
    • 11th Nov 17, 9:36 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Nov 17, 9:36 PM
    Maybe get your parents to meet you at his place so they can reassure themselves the area is nice then go out for lunch on neutral ground, make clear in advance a time by which you have to leave (so it doesn't drag on).

    I think most parents' worry comes from the unknown and what they imagine, if you reassure them it's all fine then hopefully it will put their mind at rest. As for your boyfriend, if he's a nice guy he'll take it all in his stride, whatever your mum might say. Although the fact that you're worried about it suggests that you should tell him to take anything with a pinch of salt.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Nov 17, 9:42 PM
    • 28,511 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 11th Nov 17, 9:42 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Nov 17, 9:42 PM
    So my parents have said because me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for a good while and I've been staying over.

    My mum and dad want to meet my boyfriend, My boyfriend says its fine we can go out and they can stay over. I say I can cook.
    Originally posted by Kirstie_
    I was thinking of taking my boyfriend up on the offer, we meet away from home and when she starts getting personal we can just go.
    Originally posted by Kirstie_
    I would definitely chose neutral ground for the first meeting.

    If it goes well, perhaps you and your BF could visit your parents (so that you can leave if things get uncomfortable).

    If that visit is okay, invite them round to your BF's place.
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 11th Nov 17, 10:45 PM
    • 2,361 Posts
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    trailingspouse
    • #9
    • 11th Nov 17, 10:45 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Nov 17, 10:45 PM
    I would do nothing.

    I spent 20+ years trying to stand between my OH and my mother (who could be quite abrasive). I could never relax.

    If I had my time over again, I would let them sort it out between themselves - let her be abrasive, let him take offense and tell her what for. They're both grown ups.

    And whatever she says, stay calm and tell her everything is OK. Calm repetition is the way to go. Or make a joke of it if you can ('Mum still thinks I'm 6, but that was a while ago...).

    Some parents know when to let go, some need to be told when it's time to **** off.
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 11th Nov 17, 10:50 PM
    • 1,101 Posts
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    Poor_Single_lady
    Sounds normal to me for parents to want to meet your boyfriend and your mum worries when you skip meals.

    Nothing bad about that.

    If you live with your parents but staying at your boyfriends it's only natural they would want to meet him. If they have never laid eyes on him then they dont have very much to go on so she will easily jump to conclusions that might not be correct.
    Sounds completely normal and reasonable to me.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • Kirstie_
    • By Kirstie_ 12th Nov 17, 8:56 AM
    • 60 Posts
    • 19 Thanks
    Kirstie_
    I would definitely chose neutral ground for the first meeting.

    If it goes well, perhaps you and your BF could visit your parents (so that you can leave if things get uncomfortable).

    If that visit is okay, invite them round to your BF's place.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    This sounds like a really good idea, Similar to what my boyfriend suggested.

    I would do nothing.

    I spent 20+ years trying to stand between my OH and my mother (who could be quite abrasive). I could never relax.

    If I had my time over again, I would let them sort it out between themselves - let her be abrasive, let him take offense and tell her what for. They're both grown ups.

    And whatever she says, stay calm and tell her everything is OK. Calm repetition is the way to go. Or make a joke of it if you can ('Mum still thinks I'm 6, but that was a while ago...).

    Some parents know when to let go, some need to be told when it's time to **** off.
    Originally posted by trailingspouse
    My boyfriend doesn't want the conflict, He is the sort of guy who will be nice to anyone, I'm worried my mum will just make things very difficult for him, make him think I'm some one who can't look after themselves.

    It worries me that she will scare him away.

    Sounds normal to me for parents to want to meet your boyfriend and your mum worries when you skip meals.

    Nothing bad about that.

    If you live with your parents but staying at your boyfriends it's only natural they would want to meet him. If they have never laid eyes on him then they dont have very much to go on so she will easily jump to conclusions that might not be correct.
    Sounds completely normal and reasonable to me.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    I get this, My dad has spoken with him several times, Once at a sporting event I was taking part in they were happily speaking and getting along
    • Cheeseface
    • By Cheeseface 12th Nov 17, 9:08 AM
    • 130 Posts
    • 376 Thanks
    Cheeseface
    My mum still think the things she does, because once I come home and missed breakfast and lunch she thought he wasn't feeding me, I just got up late and missed lunch! So in her mind theres an issue.
    Originally posted by Kirstie_
    Run through all possible awkward type scenarios and use the same technique of throwing it back to your mum. Agree with her and don't start the argument. It really does take two to argue.

    Kirstie: "Mum, it's not my boyfriend's job to feed me. I'm 26 years old and if I miss a meal, it's my fault"
    Boyfriend "I said the same thing to her, but it was a one off. She usually eats really well. I didn't know much about coeliac disease before, it must have been very worrying to have a child with coeliacs mrs Kirsties mum."
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 12th Nov 17, 9:09 AM
    • 2,786 Posts
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    cjdavies
    Just pre-warn him what to expect, then it's not a shock.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 12th Nov 17, 9:10 AM
    • 16,055 Posts
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    FBaby
    26? Time your mum realises that she needs to find something else in life to control. You need to have a serious talk with her first and tell her that the conditions upon her meeting your boyfriend is that she respects your relationship with him and not that he is taking over her role to look after you.

    I would pre-warn your boyfriend to though and tell him not to pay attention if she makes comments that make him feel uncomfortable.
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 12th Nov 17, 9:51 AM
    • 1,101 Posts
    • 4,150 Thanks
    Poor_Single_lady
    I don't understand why it is controlling to want to want to get to know your daughters boyfriend. Or controlling to be upset when she doesn't eat.

    I would expect same if I lived with my parents.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 12th Nov 17, 11:10 AM
    • 1,875 Posts
    • 5,141 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    26? I thought you must be a teenager, 20 at most!

    You are so far into adulthood that your mum treating you like this should be so far in the past that its a distant memory. Assuming you don't have any learning disabilities or cognitive impairment, why are you , a grown adult, letting your mum have so much control over your life? Its very weird that she thinks you need to be 'fed' like a child rather than being responsible for looking after yourself like every other competent adult!
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 12th Nov 17, 11:59 AM
    • 398 Posts
    • 284 Thanks
    gycraig
    I'm a 27 year old bloke and I would literally laugh at your mum if she tried pulling any of that !!!!, you are a grown woman he is you partner not your new mum. Let them meet but pre warn your partner.
    • Kirstie_
    • By Kirstie_ 12th Nov 17, 12:30 PM
    • 60 Posts
    • 19 Thanks
    Kirstie_
    26? Time your mum realises that she needs to find something else in life to control. You need to have a serious talk with her first and tell her that the conditions upon her meeting your boyfriend is that she respects your relationship with him and not that he is taking over her role to look after you.

    I would pre-warn your boyfriend to though and tell him not to pay attention if she makes comments that make him feel uncomfortable.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I will do, I'll have a talk with my dad see if he can be there when I have the talk

    I don't understand why it is controlling to want to want to get to know your daughters boyfriend. Or controlling to be upset when she doesn't eat.

    I would expect same if I lived with my parents.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    I get that but the comments she can come out with can be hurtful, and I don't want my boyfriend to

    26? I thought you must be a teenager, 20 at most!

    You are so far into adulthood that your mum treating you like this should be so far in the past that its a distant memory. Assuming you don't have any learning disabilities or cognitive impairment, why are you , a grown adult, letting your mum have so much control over your life? Its very weird that she thinks you need to be 'fed' like a child rather than being responsible for looking after yourself like every other competent adult!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    No, no issues, she worries because when I was diagnosed I was very ill and was in hospital. She is worried that my boyfriend doesn't get what I need (special foods like bread etc) and I am hungry. I really am not, I have more food here than I could possibly eat!
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Nov 17, 12:37 PM
    • 28,511 Posts
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    Mojisola
    She is worried that my boyfriend doesn't get what I need (special foods like bread etc) and I am hungry. I really am not, I have more food here than I could possibly eat!
    Originally posted by Kirstie_
    But your BF isn't a babysitter who needs to follow your parent's instructions - you're old enough to say what you need and get it for yourself if necessary!

    As you are an adult, your mother needs to trust you and let you get on with your life. She might still worry but that doesn't give her the right to interfere in your life - especially as you are managing just fine.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 12th Nov 17, 4:09 PM
    • 22,897 Posts
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    pollypenny
    Of course your mum wants to meet your boyfriend. Why wouldn't she?

    But tell her not to fuss about your food. It's your own responsibility to ensure you eat probably or otherwise suffer the consequences.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
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