PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING

Hello Forumites! However well-intentioned, for the safety of other users we ask that you refrain from seeking or offering medical advice. This includes recommendations for medicines, procedures or over-the-counter remedies. Posts or threads found to be in breach of this rule will be removed.

Hoarding...not just on TV

24567452

Comments

  • Moorhen
    Moorhen Posts: 964
    First Anniversary
    Forumite
    Jojo,

    I have just read this and have nothing but admiration for you.

    I have no advice to offer but I send best wishes and good luck for all you decide to do, for you and for your mum.
  • kte
    kte Posts: 242
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    Good luck with it. These links for sources of help are on the 4oD website with the current 'Hoarder Nextdoor' series
    http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-hoarder-next-door/articles/hoarder-help-and-support
  • aliasojo
    aliasojo Posts: 23,053
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    It's a mental illness.....

    That's exactly what it is, sadly. Has she always been like this or can you think of something that triggered it in later years?

    I think people can be prone to hoarding generally and then something happens to exacerbate this tendency and it develops into situations as you describe.

    I wish you well, you're going to need all your patience and strength to deal with this.
    Herman - MP for all! :)
  • Justamum
    Justamum Posts: 4,727
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    Barneysmom wrote: »
    We're away at the seaside on the 16th of June for a week, but I have the week after off if you want me to come and help you sort some of it out?
    I'm not bothered by stuff so let me know xxx

    What a lovely person you are :T:A
  • miffy257
    miffy257 Posts: 890
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    Jojo I really feel for you, sorry I can't offer any more advice than you have already been given. If you any family or friends who can help I would rope them in to, it will be so much easier with more hands on deck. Hope you manage to get your mother to the GP and that you get some help. Hugs to you.
    £180.00 in 'sistercas'fund
    Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
    Samuel Smiles
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    Jojo,

    I agree with watching some of the channel 4 documentaries. My dad is dreadful but has got better. We once threw out an old wardrobe and bashed in the back. He spent half a day mending it and took it back in.

    It is going to make your mum very emotional to get rid of the clutter, so maybe think about how you are going to help her still feel in control of the process. Maybe a rule that out of date food can be binned without consulting her, but you would have to be extremely careful not to throw away anything that is in date (or doesn't fit within the agreed rules).

    Newspapers and magazines and paperwork in general again can often be hoarded (my dad does this). This can take up a lot of space so getting rid of these with agreement can make a difference to keep motivation up.

    If there was somewhere you could take stuff to be sorted that can help break the emotional bond to it. A box of tat in your own house can have huge psychological significance. The same box of tat on somewhere else's kitchen table looks more like tat.

    Having a charity shop pile can make the aftermath of hoarding a little less painful as someone is getting some use for it. If it is taken somewhere where it can be giftaided too, then you'll get a letter or email from the charity after the end of the tax year saying how much they raised on your donations. Amazing how it adds up.

    Your mum is very brave letting you in. There will be tears along the way but she must have a glimmer now of the future she wants to lead. I hope you can get her some specialist support, maybe even to know she is not the only person with this problem will help.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • short_bird
    short_bird Posts: 3,649
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    edited 10 June 2012 at 10:46AM
    All i can give you is my deepest sympathy, i hope that Diagnostic and Statistical Manual recognises this disorder, sooner rather than later.

    Found this: so yes, it is recognised for the first time. Or will be, when the book is published.
    http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevision/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=398#

    Oh, and there's a very good book called Stuff;compulsive hoarding and the meaning of things. Jojo, PM me your address and I'll send it on.
    Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.
  • babyshoes
    babyshoes Posts: 1,771
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    You've had some good advice on here. My gran was a hoarder, though at the time it wasn't really recognised as a mental illness - and had a huge house so it wasn't as much of a 'problem' as it could have been in a smaller house - a few rooms were pretty clear, as she confined the bulk of it mostly to her bedroom (there were narrow paths through the head-high piles of boxes to get to the bed and dressing table), 'sewing room', pantry, storeroom and one spare bedroom. My aunts went in and did a big clear out of her pantry and kitchen once while she was away on holiday, as they were afraid she was eating such old food she would get ill. This was before the days of 'best before' and 'use by' dates, but when they lifted up some of the tins, the bases had rusted onto the shelf and the contents had almost evaporated so the bulk of the can just lifted away from a rusty mess with gooey food congealed on it! You can imagine the anger that caused, and the rift in the family took ages to heal.

    The problem finally got solved when she ended up needing to go into a nursing home. My parents put up a shed in their garden for her to fill with 'carefully selected' things that she wanted to keep - the rest was sorted into junk and useable stuff - which got sent off to the auctions. That funded about a year of her stay in the home, if I recall correctly. It was hugely distressing for her, but having the shed helped, I think - and as we knew what was in there, we stopped her buying things like soap and shampoo as she had enough to keep her and the family going for years. Perhaps having a space where your Mom could put anything she really wanted to keep, no questions asked, would help to ease the trauma? It can always be sorted through later on. Knowing it was a small space like a shed might also help her to prioritise the stuff that is really important to her.

    I was also going to suggest you joined your local freecycle on her behalf - if she feels her 'stuff' is going to needy local people, she may also find it easier to part with. You can give away almost ANYTHING on freecycle, from things most would consider junk like a box of jam jars or a pile of old newspapers to clothing, to (edible) food. Just don't let her see what others are offering, or she might end up getting more things to replace the ones she has given away!

    Good luck.
    Trust me - I'm NOT a doctor!
  • I'm sorry I can't reply to all of you in person, I've loaned my laptop to my eldest for the weekend and I'm relying on my phone.

    Thank you all so much.

    She's always been grubby. My nickname in high school was the rather fetching Greaseball because she didn't believe in washing more than once a week. She's also always been aggressive and abusive in private, but a delicate little flower in public.

    Believe me, I am not feeling loving. More pity. Tempered with resentment, but I do believe holding onto that will tear me apart whilst having zero effect upon the source of the feeling.

    She's only doing it because the council have threatened to evict her. And even then she is trying to get around it by saying they can't kick her out.

    Everyone else in the family is nowhere to be seen. I think she chased off my half sister when she offered help. There aren't many people who will tolerate someone brandishing one of her five rolling pins at your head as you crawl around on your knees fishing plastic lids out from under a table that used to be white.

    I'm not scared of her, though. Haven't been since I got taller than her and realised I had control and could choose to not hit her back, but if I did choose, I would flatten her. But I chose not to.


    I'd happily douse it all with petrol and send the whole house up. But I suspect the next door neighbour and the council might have something to say about that.

    So, like dealing with a stroppy, nervy cat or dog, I'm ignoring most of it.


    But I have no idea how I will manage to physically clean this. She's 75 and it looks like I will be there for the rest of her life. More likely if she keeps waving weapons at me, there are far too many big knives laying about for my liking.


    Even the slightest bit of disorder in my house upsets me. It's never good enough. I look at the paint trays in the spare room and shudder. I am terrified I might wake up one morning and find out I am, as she insists, absolutely just like her. Mind you, she also says she was a natural mother. The physical scars belie that one. But the fear is there.


    It's going to be a long job. I don't want this thread to be all about me, I think it should be for tips on getting an inch of grease off the cooker that star drops can't touch, support for all of us.

    I know there are others out there, come and chat.

    That's normal, to chat, even if the conditions we see aren't normal at all.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • pavlovs_dog
    pavlovs_dog Posts: 10,195
    Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    do you have a strategy in mind JoJo for how to tackle the task, ie room by room/ type of hoarded item so that you can see progress? Must be so hard to find the motivation to begin when you have such a mamouth task ahead of you.
    know thyself
    Nid wy'n gofyn bywyd moethus...
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards