Advice for a dfw...with a spendaholic OH please! :(

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  • hi just wanted to add my piece as a 'trying to reform shopaholic oh' I would spend friviously without thinking about bills etc as my oh would deal with the money and kept trying to save etc while I spent. Then a few things happened and I started to take more care at looking at the finances and when I did I nearly keeled over at the amount of money we (I) was wasting on not very much. So I would really suggest that you get him to look over the figures, honestly I got told time and time again we needed to be more careful with money but it wasn't until I saw it in black and white for myself that I took any real notice and now I'm not perfect but I'm getting better!!

    Also on the subject of the weekly pay my oh gets paid weekly too and what we find works is having two accounts, a bills account and a spending account. We added up all the direct debits that we pay each month then split the total into 4 (as there are 4 pay days in a month), each payday the wages go into the spending account then instantly by standing into the bills account so we don't even know its been there and whatever is left in the spending account is ours to spend. We also transfer money each week into our savings in the same way. It can be quite tricky at first as obviously some weeks have more bill payments than others but we have added in small amounts extra to buffer any weeks more gets paid out and eventually it evens itself out but it needs to be kept on top of at first to ensure there is always enough for the bills each week. The spending account can look really poor one week and really healthy the next depending on shifts/overtime but we're trying to stick to a realistic budget which means we also have a buffer in there.

    But going back to your original question, your oh needs to see it for himself in black and white if you ever want him to see what needs to happen.
  • I'm going to throw a spanner in the works here, you've had a lot of advice on opening a joint account. When we had a joint account it didn't work and ended up in debt because of my OH's spending. I think the joint account will only work, if you both want the same thing and approach spending/saving with the same attitude. We've now both seen the light (I wasn't as bad, but we both spent too much), are more frugal and sensible, with direct debits etc set up and less spending on treats, but we've still got our own accounts...
  • lika_86
    lika_86 Posts: 1,753
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    You state in your thread title that he's a 'spendaholic' but then mention that he smokes and enjoys a beer.

    To be honest, I think you're at risk of alienating him completely if you start banning the little things that people enjoy. As long as he's not on weekly all night benders buying rounds for all and sundry, let him enjoy a beer every now and again. In the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse. I get that you're super keen on this right now but it's only likely to cause arguments unless you ease up a bit.
  • harrys_dad
    harrys_dad Posts: 1,997
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    You may not be able to leave him because of the kids but you could adopt the policy of Lysistrata, as could the other posters with a similar problem.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2007/sep/10/theatre.classics
  • The smoking is really hard to watch, I know! As a lifelong non-smoker, seeing £30 a week, £1500 a year going up in smoke was so frustrating for me! But nagging him to stop didn't work. He made many attempts, always failing and telling me it was 'harder to give up smoking than heroin' - not that he'd ever tried heroin! He did agree to smoke outside for the sake of the children's health, and after years of that finally decided for himself to give up. It wasn't even hard, when he was motivating himself. It's a huge relief.
    Making threats to leave is not a thing to do lightly. Better to have love, even if you live in a cardboard box, than live alone in a palace, I'd say (though admittedly I haven't tried living in a cardboard box).
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  • firesidemaid
    firesidemaid Posts: 2,129
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    as you have kids, they come first.

    you both need to sit down and work out ALL annual/monthly bills and split them into 52 amounts, so you know how much you need to put aside per per week.

    how you split it, personally if person A earns £1000 per month and person B earns £1500 per month, then A provides 2/5 of the amount required and B 3/5 of amount required.

    then, preferably each person provides a (small amount to start off) proportion for a savings account in same proportions.

    what is left is yours to spend - altho depends whether you've included ALL annual spendih including xmas etc.

    get this sorted first before you start on him to give up smoking etc. if you do the finances first and he realises how much real life costs (and while he is in debt, he is paying interest to smoke/drink etc whilst he is not paying off his debts with this money) he may realise naturally that all his pocket money is going on this.

    little steps xx
  • foxgloves
    foxgloves Posts: 11,027
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    edited 6 December 2012 at 1:43PM
    When we started debt-busting, we had separate bank accounts & although we organised bill/mortgage-paying fairly so we both paid out equal amount, apart from that, we each used our accounts individually. We both worked, but had a lot of debt (2 overdrafts, 2 loans, 2 car loans, 2 credit cards) & although we both wanted to get it all paid off, I'd say that I definitely had my lightbulb moment earlier than my husband! He did get on board with it 2 or 3 months later because we had a long talk about how yes, we could afford to service all the debts, but when we added up what we were paying each month, he could really see how it was stopping us saving for some bigger things we'd really like, holidays, maybe moving house to another region, etc. I started managing the money with the aim of paying off the debt, but it was really difficult with the 2 separate accounts, & he was obviously seeing his account as 'his money' & continuing to buy lots of dvds, CDs, mags, etc, all regularly plopping thro the letterbox while I was trying to get our finances straight. He did want to be debt-free, just was obviously not going to be as strong at budgeting as me. We decided to change to a joint bank account. I made a list of all the outgoings so he knew what was going out each month & what money was left over after bills, groceries, petrol, etc. We decided we'd each have an agreed sum of cash every month for our own personal spending money & this has worked well. Because he's been able to see the money (it's cash) going down as he spends it, he has become brilliant at careful spending & is quite smug if he has cash left at the end of the month! I do all the actual budgeting, as I have more time & have the strongest budgeting skills, but I think the joint bank account was key. We are married, our finances are tied thru the mortgage & joint bills, etc, so there's really no 'his' & 'her' money, just 'our money'. We did get the debts all paid off & so far, we have stuck to our new regime & are living within our means. If your partner doesn't want to take financial responsibility, you may have to to it for him. Good luck with it all.
    "For each of our actions there are only consequences" (James Lovelock)"For in the true nature of things......every green tree is far more glorious than if it were made of gold & silver" (Martin Luther King Jnr)
  • j19842
    j19842 Posts: 48 Forumite
    Everyone here is very quick to defend the OP, but as with any domestic situation, there are three versions of events: His, Hers, then the truth!

    Unless this bloke is drinking to excess, then I find it wholly unreasonable that his partner considers this an "un necessary expense".

    Be grateful you've got a bloke that actually gets out of bed and goes to work!
  • j19842 wrote: »
    Everyone here is very quick to defend the OP, but as with any domestic situation, there are three versions of events: His, Hers, then the truth!

    Unless this bloke is drinking to excess, then I find it wholly unreasonable that his partner considers this an "un necessary expense".

    Be grateful you've got a bloke that actually gets out of bed and goes to work!

    Haha you do have a small point in that. but if the OP isn't spending frivilously, but the oh is spending £30 per week on cigarettes and going down the pub frequently. Then until debts are addressed there needs to be cut backs. Like it or not ;)

    Like I suggested, maybe smoking roll ups and buying a few tins from a supermarket instead of expensive beer in pubs. Does'nt have to be forever, but just until they have control of the finances.
  • gfplux
    gfplux Posts: 4,985
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    It is so sad that so many people are together that have totally different attitudes to life and money.
    Of course the best thing is not to get together to begin with.
    However if the deed is done then the best possible outcome is to plan long term to get out of the relationship.
    People do not change and you kid yourself if you think they do.
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