Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:46AM

skylight wrote: »

A good stable and loving home is more important than money.

As a family, you need to decide what will be worse for your family. If he or you cannot bear to be apart from each other then no amount of salary is going to fix that. But if the debt is dramatically longer term than the debt, will that force you apart anyway??

Whatever you decide to do, it needs to be a strong and very joint decision - not one where you have to co-erce or be co-erced into making.

I think the debt is one part of it, but my increasing unhappiness is also another part. I got very down at the start of the year, due to lack of support in the UK, and also money worries. I think the lack of support is a bigger thing though. We have moved quite a bit in the last 4 years (to 3 cities) and I am exhausted from trying to build up a network of people.

kessington · 17 August 2011 at 10:48AM

I lived abroad with 2 tiny children with my OH in early career. It was hard, and very lonely at times,we were broke but we had a lot of fun, made some lifelong friends and learned a lot about each other and how we wanted to be a family together.
Have you done all the sums properly? the hourly rate may sound good but have you worked out all the extra costs - take away tax, extra travel costs, medical bills/insurance, rent, food, play group fees, petrol, child benefit etc - there may be financial losses as well as gains to consider. Will your OH have paid holiday? are the flights at manageable times and frequencies? How will you feel about sharing child care at the weekends - a hand's on dad might feel less inclined to be fully hand's on if he's worn out with work and travel and you might feel fed up if you've done all the family work during the week.
How much support would you get with your family at home? Really and honestly? and would this be maintained once you are over the honeymoon period of being home - would you be able to work for example? what do your family and friends in Ireland do? - if they are working and you are not then quite honestly you are unlikely to find them having a lot of time on their hands once the initial excitement of seeing you wears off - it won't be like a short visit when they are happy to make an effort.
If you feel you need a breather while having the baby that's one thing but don't expect a prolonged stay to be an easy answer. If you went to germany would a family member be able to come and help with the initial settling in and new baby phase to ease you in?
You need to do all the sums, the financial and emotional ones and go into this with as much factual informatiom as you can. that way your head will help your heart to make the right decision.

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:48AM

emidee wrote: »

It depends what your priorities are - do you value paying off debt / living somewhere more than seeing your husband every day?

And what about your kids? Are you ok with them having a part-time father?

Do you think your relationship could survive being apart for the majority of the week? There's no point in getting the debt paid off if by doing so, you split up over it. Is there any chance your husband could find work in Ireland?

Remember this not only affects you & your husband, but your children too.

Hi,

There is now work in Ireland at the moment. I do think we could survive not seeing each other, but I do wonder if he is better to take condensed hours in his current job so that he is home every Thursday evening rather than home late on a Friday evening from Germany and then back on a Sunday afternoon. Condensed hours would take longer to pay off the debt, but would mean more time together as a family.

nczm · 17 August 2011 at 10:50AM

If your concern is splitting up your family (with such young children I don't see the massive concern - I also had part time parents and spent time being passed from family to minders until the age of 10 and we're still a happy unit and stronger than ever) could you not consider relocating with your husband - a shared sacrifice?
If the debt can be cleared in a couple of years you'll be in a position to relocate back to Ireland (assuming you still want to) in time for your eldest to enrole in school, plus you get to introduce a cultural experience to your babies - I'm sure its a scientific fact that children who speak multiple languages from a young age have higher mental stimulation for learning (win-win).
Good luck!

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:50AM

Petaldust wrote: »

If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools :wall:

It's actually none of your business.

Not everything is so black & white and as you can see by the original post, there is the option to have it paid off in a year, so it won't be impacting on us long-term.

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:52AM

LetMeOut wrote: »

People serving in the armed forces often live like this when spouses and children can't relocate with the serving person, if that's what needs to be done to give the children and you a reasonable life you will work with it, and it won't be forever - won't take more than a couple of years to pay off. Could be worse- could be sent away for 6 moths at a time, 10 months away one year, 9 months the next year!

I would go for it, as I say, a lot of forces families live like this and we all adapt to it, it's your outlook that makes the difference!

I think it would take about 12 months. The worry is that there won't be a job when he does stop contracting, and also whether compressed hours might be a better option, as although it would take longer to pay off debt, at least the job is safe and he gets 4 nights in Ireland & 3 in the UK.

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:52AM

matador_uk wrote: »

I'd like to add my two penneth as someone who grew up with a supposed 'part time' father- what a load of old tosh. I'm 29 and from the age of 8 to 24 my dad did a weekly commute from NE England to London, prior to that it was daily Kent to London and we rarely saw him through the week as we were in bed by the time we got home. I love my dad to bit and appreciate the sacrifices he made to give us a better life, my dad loves me and wanting a more comfortable life for his family was a driving force for him.

Yes it was difficult sometimes, yes we missed him and he us, but we never took our time together for granted.

I say go for it, even just for a short time. Getting out of debt will be better for your family in the long run, living with your parents will give you adequate 'at home' support with two young children, and the time you spend with your husband will be so much more precious.

Try it- if he hates it he can try and look for something closer to home, but in the meantime would be really making a big dint in your debt repayment. Good luck!!

Thanks - some really good advice there

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:53AM

tototo wrote: »

Wherever there is money I will go, we live to make money, otherwise you'll be in even deeper debt with 2 babies, one man's low salary and unhappiness. All you need now is to clear the debts. If you trust your hubby why not let him go, that is a good income honestly, and you'd see each other weekly, less arguments, more money, kids are fed and hopefully eating away that debt.

Thanks for the advice

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 10:56AM

gigibelle23 wrote: »

Why not consider all of you moving to Germany? I know you're homesick for Ireland but maybe a change from where you are now will help. I've spent a lot of time working in Germany and have grown to love the country immensely. I didn't know any German before I went but it isn't too difficult to pick up (Michel Thomas does a wonderful audio course) and I have found the Germans I've met to be wonderful, warm and cultured people. Whereabouts is his job? Perhaps he could go there first and get settled and then you could move over after your baby is born and you feel ready. It would be a way of him earning the money and you staying together. Just a thought ;o)

I have been homesick for the last 15 months & we did move to a different place in the UK (where we have more friends) to see if that could help but unfortunately the homesickness has not gone away.

I did suggest to OH that perhaps I could go out there for a week every month etc. I am defo willing to go back and forth and wouldn't expect him to be flying back all the time.

Thanks for the post

NAP6W · 17 August 2011 at 10:59AM

It is a moral dilemma that only you can decide. My father worked non stop and we had a very high quality upbringing but never saw him. He said to me not to make the same mistake as you never get that time with your kids back, so I took a slightly lower paid but more rewarding job closer to home and I am much happier. I have one brother in law who is wealthy but works offshore 4 weeks away 4 weeks home and one brother in law that works in the middle east and has to be a tax exile. I asked my kids if they would allow me to do that and they said NO. Thay are not bothered about the extra cash they want their Dad!!

Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free