PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING

Hello Forumites! However well-intentioned, for the safety of other users we ask that you refrain from seeking or offering medical advice. This includes recommendations for medicines, procedures or over-the-counter remedies. Posts or threads found to be in breach of this rule will be removed.

Hoarding...not just on TV

134689452

Comments

  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post PPI Party Pooper
    Forumite
    Sorry to hear that this is something your facing right now JoJo. It has a terrible effect on the family.

    It was only last night that I was watching a US show called Hoarders (on Disc RT) and had my eyes opened to just how bad it can get! There wasn't a clear path anywhere in that woman's house (everything was piled up to at least chest height), and even the psychologist looked overwhelmed when stood at the front door, with her breezily telling him 'Oh you just need to climb up here, and then put your foot there, and then step here' etc.

    It was interesting seeing them trying to tackle the emotional issues, and you could see that it was having an awful effect on her two adult daughters (they too had left home asap to escape the clutter, mess and grime). They tried hard to help her, her daughters, and the psychologist and a professional organiser, but I'm sad to say that she still had a long way to go by the time the episode finished.

    Whilst she had cleared the kitchen and living room to an acceptable level, about 90% of the stuff was now outside instead. And despite having fully paid off the house, she was in danger of losing it due to the fire hazard it presented. It was about to be condemned, pretty much. But telling her this just didn't seem to sink in, she took it as an insult and got angry and upset that her daughters weren't praising her progress. There's nothing more they can do really, except inpatient care and they don't really have the money for it.

    So, a couple of things I took from the show that might be helpful:

    - The professional organiser pointed out that it has taken years and years to get this bad. It's going to take a long time to clear it also. Are you prepared for that? Do you really want to commit yourself to this task? It's going to be exhausting, and for a long time, and unless she's changed, it'll just build up again.
    - There was a company that came along to take away a lot of the stuff, and sell it on (where they could). I believe they took a percentage of the money made, rather than charged a fee. Is that something you could adopt for this 'project'? Would your mother allow it?
    - Deal with things on a room by room basis. Or, where absolutely necessary, concentrate on creating a clear emergency exit path.
    - Don't allow her to put anything outside, or into another room 'to be sorted later'. That will simply become it's new home. It's either out or in.

    I don't know what else to suggest other than getting the GP involved as this is a serious mental health issue.

    ((HUGS)) for you and everyone else affected by this issue.

    x
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • Cheapskate
    Cheapskate Posts: 1,757
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Photogenic First Post
    Forumite
    euronorris wrote: »

    So, a couple of things I took from the show that might be helpful:

    - The professional organiser pointed out that it has taken years and years to get this bad. It's going to take a long time to clear it also. Are you prepared for that? Do you really want to commit yourself to this task? It's going to be exhausting, and for a long time, and unless she's changed, it'll just build up again.
    - There was a company that came along to take away a lot of the stuff, and sell it on (where they could). I believe they took a percentage of the money made, rather than charged a fee. Is that something you could adopt for this 'project'? Would your mother allow it?
    - Deal with things on a room by room basis. Or, where absolutely necessary, concentrate on creating a clear emergency exit path.
    - Don't allow her to put anything outside, or into another room 'to be sorted later'. That will simply become it's new home. It's either out or in.

    x


    Quite often I'm overwhelmed by how much we need to do here - it's not a patch on the hoarder documentaries or some people mentioned here, but it's bad for me. Sometimes when I'm upset by it all, DH or DS will say that it took a long time to get this bad and we can't do it all in a day. DH said even if I only filled one carrier bag a day with carp (and threw it away! :rotfl:) and put a few things in their rightful places, it wouldn't be long before we saw a real difference.

    A xo
    Jan 2021 GC £11.70/£300
    2021 mission declutter& clean 53/2021
    Jan NSD 7/31
  • Byatt
    Byatt Posts: 3,496 Forumite
    Jo-Jo, as a mum myself, I know I wouldn't want my DD to have to deal with my mental health issues, maybe that means I'm not too bad, I don't know, but I think GQ's post and others here who have offered the practical advice give you the opportunity not to have to deal with this on your own. The cleaning aspect is a long way down on the list of things you need to do to get in place the support your mum needs. Contact the council, her GP and any agencies that can help. Your emotional link to your mum will inevitably cause you distress and possible collapse.

    I truly feel for you both.

    xxx
  • Tish_P
    Tish_P Posts: 812 Forumite
    Hi Jojo,

    So sorry to hear you are going through this. You're not alone. You may already know this link, but just in case:
    http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/bindex.php

    There is also a support group for hoarders called Stepping Out Of Squalor which might help your mum if she's online and wants help - the frustrating thing is that nobody else can make a hoarder change if (s)he doesn't want to.

    Hope things work out for you and your mum.
  • pavlovs_dog
    pavlovs_dog Posts: 10,195
    Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    whitewing wrote: »
    JoJo,

    Don't make yourself ill over this. She does need help but it doesn't have to be you that gives it, and you certainly don't have to do it alone. She may be your mother, but it doesn't sound like she is very kind to you. Get yourself some help with dealing with her/the hoarding.

    Whilst I understand with, and semi agree with this, I can also empathise with Jo's situation. Those who 'know' me will know that I had a very challenging few years with my mum and moved out of home aged 17 due to the many problems caused by her mental health.

    Blood IS thicker than water, and from the outside looking in it can be very difficult to comprehend how anyone can continue to love someone who is repeatedly and sustainably horrible to them. Fortunately my mum and I managed to rebuild our relationship, and are very close now. But even in the darkest days, no matter how much I hated her, I couldn't stop loving her. She's my mum, and she's the only one I'll ever have. That familial bond and the duties that go with it are very hard to shake off.
    know thyself
    Nid wy'n gofyn bywyd moethus...
  • pavlovs_dog
    pavlovs_dog Posts: 10,195
    Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    Jo - for my MIL, having to sort through her mum's things when she died was a big spur for her to declutter her own possessions, as she didn't want her children to have a mammouth task ahead of them when she passes (neither MIL or her mum were real horders BTW).

    Would this angle strike a cord with your mum?
    know thyself
    Nid wy'n gofyn bywyd moethus...
  • GreyQueen
    GreyQueen Posts: 13,008
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post Photogenic
    Forumite
    Cheapskate wrote: »
    Quite often I'm overwhelmed by how much we need to do here - it's not a patch on the hoarder documentaries or some people mentioned here, but it's bad for me. Sometimes when I'm upset by it all, DH or DS will say that it took a long time to get this bad and we can't do it all in a day. DH said even if I only filled one carrier bag a day with carp (and threw it away! :rotfl:) and put a few things in their rightful places, it wouldn't be long before we saw a real difference.

    A xo
    Hi hun, you might find it helpful to pop across to one of my fave online hangouts www.365lessthings.com. It's a lovely blog run by an Australian woman called Colleen, with a great community. It's all about decluttering bit by bit, quite one of the loveliest places on the net, IMO. I post comments there from time to time using my same GQ handle.
    Every increased possession loads us with a new weariness.
    John Ruskin
    Veni, vidi, eradici
    (I came, I saw, I kondo'd)
  • I got hit today. I was really careful not to order her around or throw stuff without her seeing it. But as I was getting ready to go, I let my guard slip and said I probably didn't need what she was going to give me. (an umbrella). Without seeing it coming, I got smacked in the head by a garden rake which jumped two foot back, turned 70 degrees and hit me side on with full power. I still didn't realise I had been hit until I looked round and saw her laughing. She reckons it fell without being touched.


    So I emailed my older half sister, who confirmed I probably wasn't imagining it as she battered my eldest brother. And told me to tell social services and walk away.

    Seeing as I'm probably up all tonight with a dying cat, another one is due at the vet on weds and I have to get all the paperwork sorted in court next Monday for my youngest to live with her father as she wants to live somewhere that she isn't made to glean her room, I really don't need this.


    I'm out.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • theoldcynic
    theoldcynic Posts: 247 Forumite
    edited 12 June 2012 at 12:04AM
    Jojo it sounds like this is for the best for both of you. Her behaviour is not acceptable, then and now. The only people that can help her (if anyone can) are people she will not feel she can abuse in this way, and who will take action if she does. Calling social services in this instance is the right thing to do, and I would also report the abuse to them.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I lost a cat recently, I can really empathise with how you feel, they are like family. Concentrate on them for tonight but do get some rest too, your cat will most likely need a rest and they often prefer some solitude towards the end of their life.

    It sounds like you have a lot of overwhelming things going on at the moment. Try not to think of them all at once, it really helps to separate them. The irony of your daughter not wanting to live with you due to cleaning her room is not lost on me, and obviously not lost on you too. This must be bringing up very mixed feelings and emotions in you but try not to associate the two together or blame yourself, they are different people with different priorities, going through different troubles.

    For now focus on the practical things you need to do, but at some point I think it is wise to confront the emotional feelings this will be bringing up for you too. Try to get some more support from your family/friends if you can, it sounds like you are having a rough ride.

    I'll be sending positive thoughts for your cats tonight x
  • miffy257
    miffy257 Posts: 890
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    Jojo hugs and positive vibes for you and the cats. Sorry to hear you have so much on your plate but I agree with previous posters step away from your Mum's situation and call Social services. Let's hope your daughter realises the other side is not always greener and she'll still have to clean her room wherever she lives. Good luck to you.
    £180.00 in 'sistercas'fund
    Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
    Samuel Smiles
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards