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My 18 year old daughter wants to leave home

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  • Kavanne - I actually think it would be good for us both if she moved out. Yes some sort of counselling might (have) work(ed) but seeing the option of freedom from each other for a bit is sounding really good. ... it's really helpful to see these different ideas on the site, thanks for all the replies- what a great site, I haven't used it before!
  • Fire_Fox
    Fire_Fox Posts: 26,026
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    tessa0032 wrote: »
    it's great to hear people's experiences. Most people I know (including me) left home at 18, she certainly wants to use this experience to improve our relationship before she moves away. I can't imagine how it will be - what would be good would be for her to try it out for a month rather than what has to happen which is she has to take a 6 month lease (but presumably can always sublet if it doesn't work out).

    No reputable agency/ landlord will allow subletting: if you sublet illegally and the tenant does not pay the rent or trashes the flat your daughter will be liable. The best you can hope for is to have to pay the rent until the agency find a replacement, and pay all the costs involved in doing so.

    Again, with a lodger arrangement your daughter will have fewer rights and fewer responsibilities - she should be able to give a month's notice at any time, depending on what the lodger agreement states. Personally I don't think a month is long enough, it's breathing space but it's not time to get into a routine of caring for yourself nor to get used to the concept of budgeting.

    I don't get the impression you really want your daughter to move out: whose idea was the flat? :confused: I think you should point your daughter in the direction of this fantastic website, offer to attend counselling and then let her do all the legwork. No driving her to viewings, maybe a limited amount of financial support. Sorry to be harsh but ... there is a big difference between growing up and playing at being a grown up!
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • tessa0032
    tessa0032 Posts: 14 Forumite
    edited 30 December 2009 at 8:56PM
    that's interesting Fire Fox - that you thnk I don't want her to go. We had had a big row over xmas, and eventually when we saw each other again (She'd been at a friend's) I gave her a load of ultimatums and said - you can always move out if you don't like it, go and live in a flat.... and actually later on she said she would like to do that - and it has got us talking again, in a reasonable way, about a possible workable solution to the problem. Yes there are a few other options that we hadnt looked at, that we will discuss. (Before this happened I had vaguely thought of making over the 2 rooms at the top of the house for her, and giving her more independence on other stuff - I like the things she's coming up with. Anyway, she is planning to go and look at some places tomorrow, I will see what she proposes.
  • Fire_Fox
    Fire_Fox Posts: 26,026
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    I wish you both the best of luck, you sound like a lovely mum. ;) Do pop back and update!
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • thanks Fire Fox - that was such a nice thing to say, made me cry - I don't want to be seen as just giving her everything she wants, but I'm sure that we'll both be happier if she's living somewhere else - and we talked about her wanting to come home for a meal once a week rather than hating seeing me all the time (it's working already, the atmosphere has been so clearer since we started talking about this option). I almost feel it's worth it for my sanity to sub her. Unfortunately her dad is away abroad at the moment so can't help - we've been split up since she was 3 but she's usually fine with him (can't live with him full time cos he lives in a different town). She was worried about the loneliness so I will propose the other options. What would be nice would be for her to take the cat (or get a cat) but I bet rental places don't let you have animals. Yes I'll pop back and update!
  • Hi,

    I have a daughter of a similar age and would prefer her to be at home with us during the final year of formal education. I guess I'd worry that the distraction of a new place would cause an impact on her exams. I know that 18 is deemed to be adult - but you're not really grown-up at that age despite what you think.

    If she moves out I'd treat it like uni - perhaps pay her accomodation and let her sort other bills.
    It's only 6-9 months before she goes to uni - could she not wait and in the meantime agree the rules..Not sure what the issues are (& I know teenagers can test your patience) but I figure counselling/mediation would be cheaper in the long run.
  • Fire_Fox
    Fire_Fox Posts: 26,026
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    Some rental places will allow pets, it's more whether it's right for the cat that would concern me. If your family pet is already an indoor cat and a confident soul that might be acceptable as it could return to you when your daughter goes away to university. :confused:

    No reputable rescue would allow your daughter to adopt a cat when she has an unstable lifestyle. Realistically you can't take a cat to university as it would have to travel home every holiday which is very unsettling. I live alone and have an indoor cat (medical condition) and it's quite a responsibility, more akin to a dog than a cat as they are reliant on you for physical care and mental stimulation. You can't ever simply stay out overnight on the spur of the moment!
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698
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    I'm nearly 3x her age and struggle to afford my own place, even a studio flat. I don't see how she could afford it if she's not working full-time.
  • Geenie
    Geenie Posts: 1,213 Forumite
    tessa0032 wrote: »
    Kavanne - I actually think it would be good for us both if she moved out. Yes some sort of counselling might (have) work(ed) but seeing the option of freedom from each other for a bit is sounding really good. ... it's really helpful to see these different ideas on the site, thanks for all the replies- what a great site, I haven't used it before!

    Tessa, I have a 19 year old daughter and am in the same position as you. I want her out, as life has become intolerable for the whole family. More importantly, I think it will be the making of her! I had a terrible time with my mother before I moved out at 18 to start nurse training. I was awful, just as my daughter is now. Mothers and daughters are a completely different kettle of fish compared to sons staying at home. We often fight more, are more vocal and competitive. It is what makes us strong, independant and able to cope in later life...... ;)


    Good luck Tessa, and I am with you, along with countless other mothers in the country.:beer:

    And keep us posted. :D


    "Life is difficult. Life is a series of problems. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one." M Scott Peck. The Road Less Travelled.
  • My favourite catchphrase whenever my little girl does anything naughty is "we'll miss her when she's gone".

    Are you really sure you want to let her go so young?
    Been away for a while.
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