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Hoarding...not just on TV

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  • Jojo, my mum (she's 66) is exactly the same. I grew up in a house that no one could visit, where entire rooms are completely impossible to get into for all the towers of boxes and bags of just junk, where the smell never ever leaves you and when you enter it, you're filled with complete and utter dread.

    When I was in my teens I'd sneakily try and just clean up rubbish, (I wasn't brave enough to tackle the junk and the newspapers) just rubbish and food that had long gone off etc and she'd find it in the wheelie bins outside and bring it back in! She has years worth of newspapers, (I bought her a laptop for christmas one year to try and deter her from buying papers and finding any info she needs online, I spent hours and hours showing her how to use it, but I know she's never switched it on since!!)

    It was so bad I had to leave home at 17 and move in with my older brother. Until then I'd never eaten dinner at a table, never been able to just go into a kitchen and make a cup of tea without doing an hours worth of washing up and clearing surfaces etc to get to the kettle, never been able to say to a friend to pop over.

    I get the feeling my mum almost enjoys how she lives, that she's isolated, it's her excuse for keeping people away from her. I speak to her daily on the phone but see her once a year at christmas if I'm lucky, she lives far away and won't visit me and my family as she doesn't like leaving her house for too long and she never lets me make the journey up to her (unless it's christmas).

    I've spent my life trying everything imaginable to get her sorted, but there's only so much you can do for someone that doesn't want to be helped, it's so frustrating and demoralising. She hasn't had central heating or hot water in her home for years as her boiler gave up the ghost and she won't call out anyone to fix it, not due to money as financially she's pretty comfortable she just won't let anyone in her home. I say to her all the time to let me help her, that I won't force her to throw out anything she doesn't want to, I'll just help practically with lifting and carrying etc, but she won't allow it.

    Although in recent months I've really begun to worry about her on a whole new level and really am trying to persaude her to sort her situation out. She's had several attempted break - ins, (one from a group of about 5 of so men) one only a few weeks ago. This is due to her home looking so shabby that people assume the house is empty and trying their luck, plus her garden fence is falling to pieces from age and bad weather etc so anyone can just walk into her garden. Will she report them to the police? No. Will she get the fence fixed after I spent hours researching fencers, getting quotes etc? No. I know if I was to just arrange a plumber to go and fix the boiler or someone to do the fence that she'd be furious with me. But she did buy 24 huge plastic storage crates and ask me to look into prices for storage facilities a few weeks back and I really thought the penny had dropped for her that she can't live like this, but since then nothing's happened.

    I don't know what the answer is, I watch the Hoarder Nextdoor and think not even the slick Greek guy and those bossy blonde women could help kick her up the bum to do anything! You just need an endless amounts of patience, and somehow not give up hope. I feel sick just thinking about how she lives (she's restricted to living in one room now, in a large four bed semi) but I won't give up on her and I'll do anything I can to get her into a warm, dry, safe home - I don't even care if it's tidy anymore!

    You're not alone :) x
  • mmmsnow
    mmmsnow Posts: 388 Forumite
    I really felt for you, reading your original post. My gran is a hoarder and she has emphysema so the dust (which is everywhere) is slowly killing her. We've tried everything from a nice "sit down talk" through to cleaning/clearing secretly when she's in hospital. She's house bound and I'm afraid the house is killing her - mounds of stuffed toys, DVDs, thousands of VHS tapes (but no VHS player!). It really gets to you after a while. It's very claustrophobic and strange, like she's built a nest for herself out of everyday items.
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  • Cheapskate
    Cheapskate Posts: 1,757
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    Jojo, what a desperate situation! I think you sound remarkably sane and practical, especially given what you've said about your upbringing. Please keep posting here, even if it's just to get things of your chest instead of losing your temper with family. I can't add any more advice than others have, though, but I do echo it all.

    We're all little hoarders in my family, except one sister, but I'm already worrying about my home. It's not a fraction as bad as the homes you see on tv, but it's bad for me. My brother is a real worry to us all; my sister and I helped him move a couple of years ago and it was horrendous! His 3 room, minuscule, flat had not been cleaned in over 3 years, anywhere, the fridge was a real mess, unwashed pots growing "stuff" in them, the bathroom..... My sister and I could have cried for him, and I later did! Various of us suffer from depression and we agree that our homes get worse when we're really under it - wonder if there's a link?

    I start a new job this week, on top of a very part time one, do a couple of voluntary things and have had some very black moments the last month - I REALLY want to stop them all and be a real stay-at-home housewife and get to grips with our home before I can't. I didn't want to read this thread when I saw the title, but I've done so and am glad I did - it's a bit like going to confession though! :(

    A xo
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  • meritaten
    meritaten Posts: 24,158 Forumite
    jojo - I am speechless! I have no idea how to help you hun.......and you certainly need help!
    I remember a 'How Clean is Your House' with a lady who was a compulsive hoarder and how difficult it was for them to get her to part with anything. I do wish they had shown how to do it!
    I suspect (as do you) that this is a mental illness - an obsessive disorder - but how to treat it and get your mums home cleared without her going into meltdown is difficult. all I can suggest is that you read about compulsive behaviours and try to get some tips from dealing with it.
    Jojo - I am concerned about the effect this job will have on YOU! you are on the opposite end of the spectrum to your mother arent you?
    Could you get help from Environment Health? because it may not be good for your health to start chucking this stuff? God knows what all this crud harbours? At least ring them and explain the situation - you may need to wear a Haz-Mat suit and Breathing Apparatus! a bit extreme I know - but council workers clearing a very similar home near me were wearing them!
    above all - Look after YOURSELF!
  • Alikay
    Alikay Posts: 5,147
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    Well done jojo for escaping the chaos and creating your own comfortable home. You've said yourself though, it's a mental illness, so although you're due to return, please don't invest too much of your time, and physical and emotional energy trying to make a difference: It's not appreciated and you know it won't change anything for more than a day or two.

    Must have been awful growing up in a home like that...I really feel for kids who turn up at school mucky: They can get such a hard time from other children, and I doubt that anyone comes out of a childhood like that unscathed.
  • PipneyJane
    PipneyJane Posts: 4,003
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    JoJo, I just wanted to send you a cyber-hug and my sympathy. I can't offer you any solutions - I just wish you luck and an easier battle next time.
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  • bossymoo
    bossymoo Posts: 6,924
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    Hugs.

    What an awful situation. I can't imagine. But I do agree with a lot of the above. No matter how much you clear, it won't solve the problem. It will be too easy to collect mounds back up again.

    Don't make yourself unwell over it. No point in it controlling two of you.

    X
    Bossymoo

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  • BitterAndTwisted
    BitterAndTwisted Posts: 22,492
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    Jojo's real problem, or rather her mother's is that the council have become involved now, so unless this mess is sorted somehow mother is going to find herself homeless before long. And where does she think another roof over her head is going to be miraculously found? No-one anywhere would be willing to give her a tenancy after this except a mental-health facility or sheltered housing of some sort if it can be found.

    I suspect the real gravity and the urgency of the situation is only being felt by one person: the one donning the rubber-gloves tomorrow. I fear that this is going to be one of those hamster-on-a-wheel scenarios. I'd have thrown in the towel about five minutes after entering that filthy house.

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  • Nile
    Nile Posts: 14,930
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    The posts about hoarders in this thread remind me of Hannah Hauxwell who featured in Yorkshire Television documentaries. Hannah lived alone on a 70 acre farm in the middle of nowhere with no electricity or running water.:eek:

    I was shocked to see how she hoarded........things like empty margarine tubs which she felt might be useful.

    She had problems with mice and rats in her house. The mice and rats could get into her cupboards, everywhere. Her only option was to hang her loaf of bread from a hook in the middle of the ceiling..............because the vermin couldn't reach the bread dangling from the ceiling.

    As others have said, I think many of us can be reluctant to part with things we value...............but others see as tat. I wouldn't call myself a hoarder but I haven't managed to part with my first 'big' bicycle, which I rode with pride aged 10 years old to school every day and to do shopping for my mum. It's still in the garage now.:o
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  • nearlyrich
    nearlyrich Posts: 13,698
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    My mum never threw anything away that she thought might come in handy, she had hundreds of margarine tubs too much furniture clothes that fit her 15 years ago. I did clear a lot of stuff when she had a fall and was staying with my sister and she never asked about anything she missed. The kitchen was still stocked with enough crockery etc to feed an army and she loved gadgets like salad spinners.

    The house was clean but never tidy because there was not enough room to put everything away, later when she passed away I found boxes and boxes of stuff like she had just cleared a surface into the box and forgot about it. She always used to buy cards for birthdays etc and forget where she put them and then she would buy another, found loads when we cleared the place.

    If you can get her away for a day or two Jo-jo you get more chance to throw rubbish away..Good luck.

    I though it was horrendous but she was a long long way from the people on the TV..
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