Real-life MMD: Should I pay to see my girlfriend?

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  • Jesus, some people

    The basis for your relationship is how much she costs you?

    If I were her you'd be toast, dude. True love doesn't ever count the cost

    Man up . . . . .
  • lazer
    lazer Posts: 3,402 Forumite
    I know that when i started work after uni - I actually had less money than I had when i was at uni and making £25 on a saturday.

    So it depends - does she get full loan/grant - and/or have a part time job?
    Does she have lots of money to spend socialising - do you?

    Who pays for food & drink when you are visiting?

    I think you need to talk about it with her - the key is communication.
    Weight loss challenge, lose 15lb in 6 weeks before Christmas.
  • As others have said, if you are both concerned with having to spend money to see each other, you have bigger problems. Perhaps this is a wake-up call as to whether you are in the right relationship?

    I've spent around half of my relationship (~ 4 years) living in different countries to my OH. Some of these were far away (Philippines) and other less so (France, Switzerland). We saw each other every couple of months and it always involved airfares and often time off work. I never once counted the cost and neither, I hope, did he.

    I'd have a serious think about your future with this person....
    Remember Occam's Razor - the simplest explanation is usually the right one. :)

    32 and mortgage-free :D
  • Why are you asking the question ? If you love her you will go to see her no matter what, or you may risk losing her to someone else in her new life.
  • I dont think we should all come down on this guy because he's acknowledged that seeing his girlfriend every weekend is costing him a bomb!

    To be honest, seing her every weekend is excessive, and lots of couples dont do that even when they're close to each other.

    I stayed with my then boyfriend throughout university, and we were at different universities, about 100miles apart or so. We took it in turns to see each other, which was at most every 3 weeks or once a month. (Dont forget there are half terms and xmas/ easter holidays when she will be back). We ended up splitting up after university actually, once we spent all our ime together, what had been keeping us together was not living in each others pockets.

    So, set a budget as to how much you can afford to spend on travel. Maximise the amount of journeys you can get for that (coach: I've travelled 350miles home for £3.50 on Megabus before, train ticket splitting, booking ahead, go very early in the morn). If that's less than every weekend, that will probably work out better, both of you can go off and develop friendships outside your relationship, or develop hobbies.

    And you can regualrly email/ Skype/ chat in the meantime....
  • I have to agree with other people. If you really liked her, the cost wouldn't matter to you.

    And why are you trying to hog every weekend of hers while she is at uni? Let her experience uni life a bit! Goodness. Every other weekend should be fine, no?
  • Habibiboo
    Habibiboo Posts: 1,582 Forumite
    I have to say I agree with the others. If you're not happy to pay to go see her and she's not happy to contribute to see you then there are deeper issues than the money one.

    My boyfriend and I lived and worked over an hour apart for the first two years of our relationship. Plus I didn't drive. We did a LOT of back and forth, sometimes I would be doing a 1.5hr bus ride after a 12hr night shift to go and see him. Likewise sometimes he would drive across at 5am to pick me up from work, spend 2hrs with me then drive back to go to work! I was flat broke (paying off 16k of debt) but I never once resented the money to see him. Likewise he sold his beloved car to buy a more economical diesel because of the miles he was doing coming to see me.

    Compromise and sacrifice for the greater good (ie. Seeing each other) should come naturally to you both. I would be wondering why you feel resentment about spending money to see her, rather than wondering whether she should pay.

    :) Is it just because I'm a total romantic that I could almost hear Simon Bates's 'Our Tune' music playing in the background as I read your story Dreamer? Thanks for the reminder that romance is still out there!
    OP, I totally agree with everything Dreamer said: resentment is the key factor here ~ in the words of Joy Division "resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow" ~ ask yourself what compromise and sacrifices you're happy to make with a willing, not resentful attitude?
    The more you resent the situation, the greater the chances that it'll be the emotional, rather than geographical distance which will spell the end of your relationship. If compromise and sacrifice aren't forthcoming (from either of you) or any you make serve only to add to your resentment in this situation, then you're in a stalemate, not a relationship and very sadly it would seem that Joy Division may have already summed this one up for you. :( Hope you can work it out.
    Stash busting 2014 45 / 60 (balls of yarn)!
    2014 Sealed Pot #2136 ?/£500
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    Original mortgage [STRIKE]£149,000[/STRIKE][STRIKE]£117,750[/STRIKE];[STRIKE]£112,500[/STRIKE] MFW 2014#69 GOAL 1: [STRIKE]£109 K April[/STRIKE] ;) GOAL 2: [STRIKE]£103 K by Sept[/STRIKE] ;) GOAL 3: < £100k by end of 2014 MF goal: Nov 2020 - 4 years early
  • My best friend at uni regretted his first year as he was with a girlfriend who took up all his free time and he never got to enjoy uni life. I'm not saying you're a waste of her time, but seeing her slightly less often would ease your cash issues and give you both time to form your own friend circles and enjoy your lives apart as well as appreciate your time together more.

    You need to work at relationships, but if it's meant to be, seeing each other a little less often for a year or two won't be what breaks you up. If you're worried about not spending every weekend together, then you have bigger issues.

    As for the actual cash issue, does she pay for food etc when you're visiting? Trains are expensive, but don't forget to take the other hidden costs into account too.
  • cats2012
    cats2012 Posts: 1,182 Forumite
    Answer = make it every 2 or 3 weeks.

    We did this through 2 years of my uni and we're getting married in March.
    Officially Mrs B as of March 2013
    TTC since Apr 2015, baby B born March 2017
  • If you are worrying about money over seeing your girlfriend I fear this is a relationship that won't last. I would have paid my last penny seeing my now husband when we lived miles apart and he the same.
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