Supporting people with depression

[thursdaynext]

I hope this is the right place to post this - didn't want to hijack the depression support thread. Sorry it's long!

My youngest brother has just finished his last year at uni. The whole 3 years he has at least been unhappy, and I would say depressed (at one point a couple of years ago he said he wanted to kill himself). Several people (family/friends) spoke with him about that, and I thought he was going to see a GP but I guess the talking helped and he seemed a bit better.

He struggled with his degree even though he's very clever academically, and has now ended up failing some of his final exams, meaning he fails his degree; he could re-sit them next year but his PC crashed in April & he lost a lot of work so (he thinks) that's not an option.

He lives away from home - family are around the country, so he's a good 60 miles from any of us. He has been flat sharing & I believe he has a girlfriend, and up to now has kept in touch with friends from 'home'. However, a few weeks ago he basically decided he wants no more contact with us - not answering the phone when we (parents, brothers & sisters, old friend) ring him, not replying to texts/emails etc.

Obviously, we're all extremely worried about him, and feel fairly helpless. I realise he's an adult so we can't physically drag him to a doctor's, but is there anything we can do that will help him to get out of the state he's in now? He updated his Facebook profile last week & it says he's 'praying for death' which is so upsetting - I rang him from a different phone so he wouldn't know it was me, he did answer but when he realised it was me he hung up on me & switched his phone off...

So can anyone who's been in his position, give me an idea of what kind of things would be helpful to him in getting through this? Thanks

[razorbladekisses]

What a difficult situation for you all.

Did he give a reason why he didn't want anymore contact?

Would it be possible for one of you to go and visit him?

It's very difficult because he's obviously an adult and can do whatever he wants. However, if he's mentally unwell that changes things.

[thursdaynext]

Thanks for replying. I'm not quite sure of his reasons - he has said that we don't care about him, that he just wants to be left alone, and that's about it.

I've been over to his (he wasn't in - I wanted to surprise him, not give him a chance to avoid me!), my parents have spent the day with him (again, turning up without warning) which seemed to help at the time but clearly not for long. My sis tricked him into answering the phone yesterday (thanks 141!) and has got grudging permission to go & see him later this week. She's going to suggest the GP route but obviously we don't want to push him too hard if it will just push him away...

I completely agree about him being an adult, but I'm just scared we're going to leave it too late, which is why I'm now trying to think how we can be more proactive but allow him his space (and dignity!) IYSWIM...

[razorbladekisses]

It's difficult isn't it because it's obvious from your posts that you all care about him but at the same time need to give him his own space and allow him to do what he wants. Make sure he knows you're there if he needs to talk.

I do think suggesting seeing the GP is a good idea. I hope he agrees to it.

[vavacroft]

So sorry to say, but GPs are useless :mad::mad:
I've been away from home for the past 5 years, and I lost my mum exactly a year ago, since then I've gone down to a deep level of depression. I saw the GP a few times, gave me an antidepressant that does not seem to do much. I have recently asked to see a grief counsellor, just got the letter recently, I'm on waiting list and have to wait for 4 to 5 months to see the Counsellor !!! what lots of rubbish !!!
I have had these thoughts of death too, and if it was not my little one who keeps my feet back here, I think I would have already been on the other side, does not matter about my husband as he does not understand what the attention needed is.
Concerning your son, what does he like the most ? who can make him laugh and have a good time ? this is what you need to focus on. Is there any mate he really loved that he lost touch with and could get back in contact with him ?
I have 2 friends that I feel a lot better when I'm round them, unfortunately that are too far away from me physically, so I can't do much about it. Yet I think you can help him by getting whoever he really enjoys the company of by being nearer to him and more often. What about sending him on holidays somewhere nice with a good friend of his ? he needs to learn that life can be nice and pleasant again, don't rely too much on GPs though, they won't be of any help in this country, apart from maybe trying an antidepressant, the surroundings will probably have a bigger effect I hope. Please let us know xxx

[zincoxide]

I don't normally post on threads like this but had to jump into this one.

I was in a very similar position to your brother a few years back and cut myself off from all my old friends, family & even friends I had where I was living. You just feel like you want the world to swallow you. It's awful and the worst thing people can do is make you feel pressured or say 'snap out of it', whenever anyone said that to me I just wrote them off.

Then my best friend also got severe depression and the only way we could describe it was that we felt about half an inch beside ourselves, we knew what we were doing but couldn't fully control our actions. It's incredibly difficult to describe and even harder to fight against.

I did get myself to a GP and turned into a blubbering wreck - she had me in an ambulance and into a psychiatric ward within an hour. I wasn't 'committed' but obviously had mental health issues. And so the story continued for a long time, I had a consultant psychiatrist that I seen once a month and was put on anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and sleeping pills. It took a long time and even now I have bad days but I feel like I'm out the other side now.

The most influential person to me was my sister, at a little than a year older we were close siblings, she very subtly made sure I wasn't alone for long periods and got all my old friends and family sending me nice text messages and emails, just simple 'how are you?' or do you fancy a coffee? It's amazing how good it feels when you know someone has gone out their way to be with you, even if it is just to sit in silence.

I think the most important thing is not to say 'I think you're depressed' or 'snap out of it' or anything of that ilk. Give him a hug, talk to him about what options are open to him, he might be too proud to ask for help, then tell him to log onto the MIND (http://www.mind.org.uk/) website and just have a read. Ask him to see the GP as depression is not a state of mind, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

It's a difficult time for him as well as the obvious loved ones, he's 60 miles away, you can get there in probably just little over an hour - make sure he knows that and tell him you don't care what time he calls, day or night, you will be there for him. He'll need a pillar of strength and this is what a sibling should be.

[thursdaynext]

Thanks guys, it does really help to get your thoughts as I've been tying myself in knots trying to see the way thru!

TBH I was a bit worried about contacting him in case he felt I was hassling him, but I shall try to make it clear that I'm not & that I am just being there if he wants me & not if he doesn't. He's been invited to stay with another brother & his family, which might be good I think - our ickle nieces are there & hopefully they might distract him from thinking life is rubbish...

Thanks for your help, I do appreciate it!

[inside/job]

Hi, what a terrible worry for you all. May I suggest you contact his university and ask to speak in confidence to the student counsellor. They are very experienced in helping support students and their families. They will report back to parents with their assessment of the situation if they feel it warrants it. Just because he has finished uni doesn't mean they walk away from him if he needs support. Go on ring them tomorrow, student uni office will put you in touch too.

[thursdaynext]

Thank you, I will try that tomorrow - I had assumed they wouldn't be interested but I think it's definitely worth asking!

[razorbladekisses]

Be careful if you're going to speak with the Uni counsellor on your brothers behalf. He might not like it and it could have a negative effect i.e he might not want any contact whatsoever. If you are concerned for his safety then it's a different matter.

[belfastgirl23]

I do think too you should be in touch with the university. Whilst they can't talk to you about him, I'm guessing it wouldn't mean that they can't listen to you. I'd suggest an advisor of studies as the first point or someone within his academic department (personal tutor maybe depending on how the uni is set up). Other possibilities might include the chaplains (if religion might help) or the university health centre. The University will definitely want to know about this in any case....

Does he have any old friends who could give him a call? Or are there any other intermediaries you could use?

Don't forget too you need support as well, this website might be some help
http://www.mindingyourhead.info/template.asp

Good luck!

[absolutebounder]

Be careful if you're going to speak with the Uni counsellor on your brothers behalf. He might not like it and it could have a negative effect i.e he might not want any contact whatsoever. If you are concerned for his safety then it's a different matter.
I agree. the uni wont be able to speak to you (data protection, client confidentiality and all that) he may be more angry if he finds out you have gone behind his back.
Unfortunately it may be a case of you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.
So often in cases of depression you cant help the person until thy genuinely want to be helped.