How do I support my dad?

[aeuerby]

My mum died suddenly 18 months ago which devastated us all.
My Dad has found it really tough and was put on anti depressants just before christmas last year.

Over the course of this year he has steadily got more and more depressed. We kept suggesting he get counselling but his answer was always "I'm of a different generation we don't do counselling"

Anyway things have got worse over the weekend and he finally was almost forced to the doctors on tuesday who has changed his anti depressants and he was convinced to see a counsellor who specialises in older people.
This in it's self is a huge step forward for my dad.

He is though very depressed and I was wondering if anyone can advise me and my sisters on how best to support him.

[tanith]

Hi , sorry to hear about your Mum and how your Dad is struggling, only suggestions I have you may already be doing . Keep visiting him often and 'drag' him out of the house... there is nothing worse than looking at the same four walls every day..... even a walk up the road will give him a different perspective and if its sunny even better...

Keep him involved in family life by talking about whats going on with kids and grands... even if he appears to not be interested... what about suggesting he visits the local library they have lots going on there nowadays including of course all the news papers free to read... maybe the new medication will take time to kick in but be of help... hope things improve soon....

[seraphin]

Im so sorry to hear about losing your mum 18months ago. I too lost my mum very suddenly 5 years ago, and your story is exactly what happened to my dad too.

I think men dont know how to deal with grief, i know my dad toke anti-depresents and drank whiskey to "blot" the pain, where as women do seem to handle grief better.

Im so glad you got your dad back to the doctors and that hes agreed to see a counsellor, the only advise I can give is just to be there for him if he needs to talk, invite him to "join in" family events ie:days outs etc. Thats all you can do really, also dont forget you and the rest of your family need to grieve as well,so dont solely concentrarte on your dad you need support as well.

Why not talk to your doctor for advise and support Im sure they can offer practical support for you too.

Sarah

[aeuerby]

I live about 40 miles away from dad but my 2 sisters are very close - one of them goes round nearly every day but is finding it hard to cope with him.
We have suggested he joins the clubs that cover his hobbies but he is at the point where he is reluctant to leave the house.
He isn't a total recluse yet though!
I speak to him most days and tell him about his grandkids and he seems happy to hear about them.

He said yesterday that he was in a black hole and can't find a way to get out. I told him the medication should help but it will take more than a day to start working.
From what has been said so far though we are moving in the right direction with supporting him.
I just know nothing about depression and feel awful not being able to make him better.

[JennyW]

I'm truly am sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my father very unexpectedly 3 years ago. It crushed the family. To be honest it was me that fell to pieces and ended up having counselling.

Outside my mum was very strong but inside she had lost the love of her life. She too wouldn't go for help and just said that "it wasn't her". I have 3 brothers so we just tried to make sure that we were there for her, encouraging her to go out with us, visiting her etc, trying to keep up with routine things too.

Fortunately my parents have always been involved with dancing so luckily she kept this going and maintained a social life, plus she has a little part time job - to be honest she's out more than me, but I honestly think this has kept her going.

Does you dad have any interests or something you can get him to do?

It's so hard and I know what he means about the black hole - that was me. I'm 3 1/2 years on and my counselling only ended in May of this year. Unfortunately grief has it's own time and it cant be rushed - sometimes it takes a long time to heal.
Counselling will help but it’s not a quick fix. I went for just over 2 years until they felt I could continue without their support.

I really hope things will improve for your dad.

[Horace]

Sorry to hear of your loss. I know it is difficult for your Dad being of an age where 'they don't do counselling'. I was wondering if there is a group near your Dad called U3A (University of the Third Age) as they go out on trips and stuff - my grandma used go until she passed away. I was also wondering what your Dad would do if you actually organised something for him? Contact Age Concern to see if they can assist - they might be able to point you in the right direction to help your Dad.

I hope things improve for him.

[mae]

I think its very important to tell your dad that how he is feeling is quite normal so he doesn't feel like he is 'weak' for not 'coping'. Its important that you tell him he'll move through grief in stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), but not necessarily in order. You can also get stuck in one stage or move back and forth between them.
Everyone grieves differently, so he will move at his own pace. There is no set timetable.

What I am trying to say is that it is good to kind of show him that the grief he is displaying is 'normal' and that although no one will experience it the same as him (I mean no one had that special bond he had with HIS wife) then feelings he is having are unfortunately part of the gieving process. He has been robbed of the life he once had so that also can seem like a struggle. It sounds like you are all doing a great job and thank goodness he has a good family to hold him through this. Remember that is all you can do is kind of hold his hand through this and I do feel for you as sometimes its just as harrowing watching someone in so much pain and feeling so helpless.

You cannot take his pain away but you can LISTEN and that will be very helpful, more than you can imagine.

Good luck

[aeuerby]

Thank you all so much for your advice.
It helps know that we are basically doing the right thing for him and also that we are not alone in going through it.

My Dad isn't the kind of chap that would go out on day trips and things but we have given him the numbers for a photography and model railway groups that meet. I'm hope he'll be in touch with them when he's ready.

He wouldn't take too kindly to us organising something for him though - he's very stubborn!

We will muddle on with him, I'm sure between us we will get him through this awful time for him.
Thanks all for your support!

[BigMummaF]

May I be a little cautionary here? Some folk close by lost their mum, & rallied round to help dad.....but he ended up doing nothing at all for himself. He used to walk out each day for the paper or meet with his pals at the club, but became more & more dependant on the 'children'.

Might I suggest that--alongside everything else that has been said--you consider asking your dad for help with whatever he has helped you with before. If he's a gardener, perhaps ask him along on a trip to the garden centre because you want "inspiration" for the borders; take him on a drive to check your tyre pressure; around the diy shop to look for wallpaper......

You may or may not want any of these things, but dad need not know that-- you're pricing up & looking at what's around for now. By allowing him to be a little of the man he was before your mum passed, he will hopefully begin to see what a wonderful family the pair of them produced & realise how much more he can still teach them.

My dad passed a good few years ago & mum was devastated as they did everything together, but we've emerged into a slightly saddened happy family where gran is included in almost everything we do. She has to make egg sandwiches because I can't boil the blasted things, & has her own dishcloth cuz we use sponges!

I hope you find Peace very soon, & wish you & your families well.

[belfastgirl23]

I think bigmummaf says some useful things. It can be really tough going out as one when you're used to going out as part of a couple. Taking him places where he's useful is a very good start. I also wonder if he has any old friends who might be persuaded to give him a call and tell him that they need help with something, again something that your dad would be known to be interested in or knowledgable about. Sometimes too it might be easier for him to be with people outside of family or to talk to them a bit about how he's feeling (without EVER thinking he's talking to them probably!) The other thing is to ask whether he's doing any exercise, even if it's just walking or whatever. It can really help to clear your mind. Does anyone have a dog they might ask him to look after for a few days? Or has he ever been sporty and could he be encouraged to take it up again?

Just a few ideas but it sounds to me like everything you're doing so far is right, he's lucky to have you!

[Terrylw1]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about all that.

Some good advice from BigmumF.

As much as support, he needs a sense of purpose. I guess we all have to remember that when we get older we depend on our mums & dads a lot less. That alone gets some of them down a bit after the many years they did so much for us.

So, even given the distance issue, have you got anything he could be helping you with over some weekends here and there. Gardening as mentioned is excellent as one of the recommended things you do when you start to deal with any depression is to start small and get out. The fresh air & exercise really helps to clear your mind. You often get a lift from it as you forget about your problems.

Sitting around indoors makes it worse. It's very common to have a set of symptoms that start one way and end up advancing to another. The not wanting to go out issue is common for depression as you get into a routine of not being bothered with anything. It may sound bad to some but with depression it knocks you down so much that at the worst point you don't wash much, you do nothing, dread getting up but can't sleep, when you're up you just want the day to end etc...

Glad that your GP has helped. If he is on such as SSRI's, give it some time. They have a habit of working more and more as time goes on.

At some point though you reach a plateau on them and the way to advance from there is by doing things. So, councilling and CBT can help set goals to get you back to normal.

Depression happens to a lot of people, but I'll bet your dad thinks he's being silly as depression is not for his generation. Maybe the councilling will help to understand that he's not.

You can only be there for him. Try and motivate him a bit and he should come out of himself.

What he has said about blackhole, I can totally understand. I would say that that feeling or being stuck buried alive, drowning etc is going to be common.

Tell him from me, I'm 31 with a very busy stressful job and I went off with stress. Without medication it quickly advanced to depression and I felt exactly like he does in that repect. I always considered it to be my life, and that all the stress was acceptable. I've always been a very strong person and always been there for others. I always thought that it could never happen to me and that depression was for the weak willed. I'll never think that again.

We all have our mental breaking points and one of the things that must test you more than anything is lose someone you've been with through so much.

Your dad has gone through a real life affecting ordeal, but he will get better. One thing I noticed is that you can't get out of the hole, but the SSRI's lift you out enough to allow you to change your thinking.

All the best