Taking care of parent in your own home

[Speckled Hen]

:confused: Hi,
My mum has suffered a stroke and I have opted for her to come and live with me. She is paralysed down her left side and there is no hope of recovery. Social services are currently providing 2 carers three times a day(30minutes each visit) to help.
My dilemma is this, to take care of her I need to give up work, but need to settle an outstanding mortgage before I can do this. The plan is that we would sell my mum's home and let her buy equity in my home to safeguard her money, and prevent it being claimed by social services. However we have been advised that this cannot be done. The alternative is that I also sell my house and we buy an new house between us.
It seems to be very difficult to get a staight answer from social services, who have said that we will have to pay £500/wk to them for the benefit of having my mum in my home and looking after her 24/7, which seems grossly unfair.
The prime objective is to give my mum the best care possible and I feel that I am best placed to do this but the powers that be seem to be intent on making as difficlt for me as possible.
Anyone out there have any words of wisdom for me, or have experienced or be in a similar position

[wolfehouse]

i think you ought to get in touch with the carer's association in your area. (they are run locally).
they will have someone who knows the ins and outs of the system and can help you.
(they don't make it easy- do they?)

there is a charge for carer's services that social services provide depending on your savings and income. you don't have to use these. there are plenty of private services available but they will probably be more expensive than the social services charge. social services do need to be satisfied that your mum's needs will be met though.
She should be recieving attendance allowance or dla- which have a care component to them (to use towards the carer's fee as that's what it's for).

also if you need to alter your house to meet her needs (as assessed by an OT) there should be help available.

you should also qualify for carer's allowance.

you may get a better response from the benefits board

[Savvy_Sue]

social services do need to be satisfied that your mum's needs will be met though. Actually, I think that if you use private services, and don't ask for help via Social Services, they won't give two hoots whether or not your mum's needs are being met!

However, you are entitled to a Carer's Assessment in addition to your mum's care needs. If your mum can't be left at all, then having someone in for 30 minutes 3 times a day may not be enough to keep you fit enough to carry on caring for your mum, so even if you don't want it now, bear this in mind.

There are also discussions about how to pay for care on the Silver Savers board. Social Services have a duty to ensure that your mother is not intentionally depriving herself of her assets in order to avoid paying for her care. Age Concern or Help the Aged may be able to advise on how to ensure the future security of your home if your mum comes to live with you, but someone is going to have to pay, and it may be that even after settling your mortgage your mum is left with sufficient assets to be in a position to do this. There may also be issues of Inheritance Tax. While that might not be what you want to think about now, some thought now could save a packet later.

[morganlefay]

Oh Speckled Hen I have such sympathy for you, having had a very ill Mum for some years. This is a complete minefield and I can't stress too highly my agreement with the the post above to ASK FOR HELP AND ADVICE. The whole business of care of the elderly/ill is handled appallingly by a NHS which claims to look after us from 'cradle to grave', ha ! It doesn't, and Social Services can be very slippery too; there are such complicated rules about it all that you really do need to get proper advice. Don't do anything until you have spoken to an expert in this field. I have had fabulous help from Age Concern, and from The Alzheimer's Soc. (perhaps not for you, but lovely people anyway). Please make sure that you don't sacrifice all of your own life to being a carer withoug a lot of thought, and that you don't end up financially disadvantaged. Being a carer is hard and lonely, but speak also to your local Carers Association (not connected to Social Services) and above all, my best wishes for a good solution for you. And a big hug ((()))

[belfastgirl23]

I work a bit with the carers association here in NI and I can't stress enough that you should be in touch with them. Over here they have an advice worker for people in exactly your position. they can also help to put you in touch with others for support if you think you might need this. And they are really nice people as well, most of whom have some experience of caring themselves.

Good luck!

[LondonDiva]

Hi,
My mum has suffered a stroke I’m very sorry & hope you and your family are keeping it together

Please don’t see the below is not an attack, but my thoughts on your mother’s specific situation:
My dilemma is this, to take care of her I need to give up work, but need to settle an outstanding mortgage before I can do this. The plan is that we would sell my mum's home and let her buy equity in my home to safeguard her money, and prevent it being claimed by social services. It would be claimed by social services to pay for her care and at a rate far cheaper than if she was paying for it privately. What good is having money if it is not spent to do you the most good when you most need it?:confused: In my own case, I’m sure my mother would rather be able to buy in a consistent level of care, if she decides she wants more than social services are prepared to fund.

The alternative is that I also sell my house and we buy an new house between us. This could be seen as deliberately trying to avoid paying the cost of care, even though she should and may affect how they view her/you in the long term (i.e. with some suspicion)

I would recommend you get some support from the carers association and Age Concern who would have experience of dealing with Social services.

[Speckled Hen]

:T Thank you all for your help, I shall get in contact with the Age Concern and the Carers Association

[Speckled Hen]

Thank you for yor help, it is very much taken in the spirit it was given. It is best to look at all the pros and cons

[malcolm000]

Well done, Speckled Hen - your mum is proud of you and it's a testament to her parenting that she has brought up such a kind, loving daughter. It's, no doubt, going to be difficult, but you will reap the rewards one day! Hope it works out okay for both of you and your family.