Leaving Wife

[Mrnidgap]

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?

[whitewing]

I know you won't want to hear this. I have a 12 year old. The very best option would be to learn how to love your wife again.

I'll leaves others to give you the financial info.

[xxlaurissaxx]

Why dont you ask her what she would rather? Say youd pay either but not both. xx

[markelock]

sell the house?
stick it out?

what about marraige guidance? Is there any chance of a reconciliation? Have you both spoken about it?

I feel for you, I'm sure that whatever you do, it's not going to be easy for anyone involved, and will have longstanding repercussions.

[Krystaltips]

It's a shame you feel this way, does your wife know how you feel? Could you maybe go to counselling?

Financially speaking, your wife could do 3 more hours a week and be a lot better off financially. If she chooses to go onto income support they will disregard the first £20 she earns then deduct the rest from the income support. She will not have to go through the CSA now, guidelines have recently changed. She will have to declare any maintanence she recieves from you and this will again be deducted from the income support.

[blaque*angel]

i feel sorry for the 12 year old...

[pulliptears]

i feel sorry for the 12 year old...

Couples split. If the OP isnt happy in his marriage the 12 year old will probably suffer more as a consequence anyway. It wont be pleasant for the kids, but it will be a damned sight better than living in a miserable home.

I applaud the OP, he appears to be considering his wife and children and her best options rather than walking out and leaving them to fend for themselves. There are not many men who do that these days.

[Gingham Ribbon]

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?
Or you could save them the bother and decide to look after your children without the need for anyone chasing you?

[Triggles]

I am a bit surprised at the comments "I want to move on" and "no real problems." I'm sitting here muttering the words "midlife crisis" and wondering if your wife even has an inkling of what's going on in your head on this. To me, it just seems highly irresponsible and cruel to just say "okay - no problems here, but I don't love you anymore so that's it." I'd suggest that you go to Relate, but I'm thinking that you've left out quite a bit from the scenario anyway. I would even venture a guess that perhaps there is another party involved? Just my opinion, of course. But most people don't just opt out of a marriage with no real problems. Windup, troll, or midlife crisis, I suppose.

[retrocircles]

If there are no problems, what's YOUR problem?!

If it's only that you don't love her, well that can be solved by communication, marriage counselling and other methods of reconciliation.

[ben500]

If your marriage is over then that's for either one or both of you to decide not us, I commend you for your forward thinking attitude and willingness to accept your responsibilities, I'm sure your children will suffer as a result of the split that is inevitable but you can do your part to limit the suffering, to stay in a relationship that isn't working "for the sake of the kids" very rarely works. I've worn that t-shirt myself, I hope some will come along and provide the financial advice you have requested rather than to just pass judgement on what I'm sure is a very hard decision you have made.

[pulliptears]

If it's only that you don't love her, well that can be solved by communication, marriage counselling and other methods of reconciliation.

You cant force a person to love another with all the counselling and reconciliation in the world.

Maybe OP is in a mid life crisis, or this is a spur of the moment decision, either way it does need a great deal of thought before action and OP hasnt stated whether he has done this or not, but if he is certain in himself that he no longer loves his wife I feel there is little he can do.

[cazziebo]

I applaud the OP, he appears to be considering his wife and children and her best options rather than walking out and leaving them to fend for themselves. There are not many men who do that these days.

Actually - I know and hear of lots of men who do this these days - at least at first. A few months down the line they start to resent it, cut back the payments, get down to the minimum. This process speeds up if a new partner appears on the scene... Just look on these boards for the number of second wives/girlfriends complaining about how much their OH pays to the ex and kids..

There's no good age for your parents to split (I was 40! :eek: ) and my own kids were under three. I think adolescence must be the very worst time. I think you owe it to your 12 year old to rethink this and if there is any chance at all you stay with your marriage.

[Mutter]

This is quite obviously not the whole story.

A guy who's been taken care of by his SAH wife for 21 years decides to live alone in a flat, "because I don't love her."
Pull the other one.

[Mrnidgap]

Thanks for your comments. Midlife crissis that is what the wife and others say. She knows I am unhappy and have been for a few years but the last year has been the worst. I want to move on, live on my own and change my whole life. This is not an overnight thing and my wife does know I don't love her but she keeps asking me not to leave her. We have been together since I was 16 and I do care a lot for her but I feel as though I am trapped. We have tried talking and I have tried to love her but I don't and speaking to her or anyone else will not change that. A year ago my plan was to wait another 5 years then go but now I think if I do that I will stray and that will change everything. My priority is for my family to remain in the family home, after all it will not sell in today's market. I can pay the whole mortgage and still have enough for me to live on, just. But I need to ensure she will have enough income to pay the bills. I also believe my wife would be better off without me, yes she loves me but she wants to be loved which I can not give her.

[pinkshoes]

Why not work out what you want to do with your life, and include your wife in those plans? Perhaps she wants a new direction in life too?

Sounds to me you've just got stuck in a rut and are taking the easy and cowards route out.

The best starting point is to change your routine, and do something random! Go sky diving together, or do a bungey jump.

[Mrnidgap]

I have worked out what I want to do with my life and I do not think a bungey jump will help

[snowmaid]

If you have been with her 21 years already, I would have thought that this is worth at least trying to save. You don't love her? Instead of trying to stoke up the fires, which every relationship needs, you want to bail because you 'dont love her'? Whats the problem? Can't get it up anymore - perhaps this is your fault and not hers..... She doesn't look as attractive? - I take it you're no picture book yourself with your greying hair and droopy, middle aged stomach and skinny legs. Younger girl showing you attention? - As soon as she has used you financially she will tip you for a younger guy anyway. Oh wot the heck, do your wife a favour and leave her now. I wouldn't wish you on anyone. Sorry for the tone of this post folks, but people like this make me want to vomit! This has to be a troll.....!

[teeni]

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?

I presume that you wanted a bit of advice on the financial side of leaving, unfortunatly sometimes you just fall out of love, but as others have said sometimes we just get bored with routine and needs a bit ofspice, been married 31years so have felt like that on occassion over the years.With 21 years invested and children to consider maybe marrage counselling would be an idea before you make the move, but of course it is your decision and none of my business really.

Well if you r wife is on income support she may be entitled to mortgage relief after 13 weeks on the benefit for her 50% of the mortgage interest, ie. £500 You can then meet the £500 that would be your half and that frees up the rest to cover child support. However I would suggest that you discuss this with you r wife to find out what she wants to do should you leave as she may decide she wants to sell and start again. It may be possible to have a mortgage holiday to cover the period until the interest relief kicks in to avoid arrears building up. remeber that any money you give her will effect her entitlement to income support and it may be worth asking the cab to do a calculation of entitlement in various senarios to make sure before you make a decision.

Good luck to all of you with what ever you decide to do.

[teeni]

Thanks for your comments. Midlife crissis that is what the wife and others say. She knows I am unhappy and have been for a few years but the last year has been the worst. I want to move on, live on my own and change my whole life. This is not an overnight thing and my wife does know I don't love her but she keeps asking me not to leave her. We have been together since I was 16 and I do care a lot for her but I feel as though I am trapped. We have tried talking and I have tried to love her but I don't and speaking to her or anyone else will not change that. A year ago my plan was to wait another 5 years then go but now I think if I do that I will stray and that will change everything. My priority is for my family to remain in the family home, after all it will not sell in today's market. I can pay the whole mortgage and still have enough for me to live on, just. But I need to ensure she will have enough income to pay the bills. I also believe my wife would be better off without me, yes she loves me but she wants to be loved which I can not give her.


sorry you submitted this whilst i was typing my response. Life is too short to stay because of anyone else, as you say you all need to move on and that includes the children

[teeni]

Actually - I know and hear of lots of men who do this these days - at least at first. A few months down the line they start to resent it, cut back the payments, get down to the minimum. This process speeds up if a new partner appears on the scene... Just look on these boards for the number of second wives/girlfriends complaining about how much their OH pays to the ex and kids..

There's no good age for your parents to split (I was 40! :eek: ) and my own kids were under three. I think adolescence must be the very worst time. I think you owe it to your 12 year old to rethink this and if there is any chance at all you stay with your marriage.

not necessarily if the op is very unhappy and the children know how much pressure would that put on the child if he thinks dad is unhappy because of him. Kids minds work in weird ways especially when they are hitting teens.
None of us know why the op feels the way he does that is his business he asked for advice to ensure his family does not suffer financially whether he stays or not they will suffer emotionally because of how he feels and nobody benefits then. Who knows maybe a period away may make all parties re evaluate the situation and allow for a reunion

[Triggles]

I want to move on, live on my own and change my whole life. This is not an overnight thing and my wife does know I don't love her but she keeps asking me not to leave her. We have been together since I was 16 and I do care a lot for her but I feel as though I am trapped. We have tried talking and I have tried to love her but I don't and speaking to her or anyone else will not change that. A year ago my plan was to wait another 5 years then go but now I think if I do that I will stray and that will change everything.

Sounds like you already have someone to move on to. Also sounds exactly like a midlife crisis. Sorry, but I call it as I see it. It's the whole "we've been together since we were kids - I didn't get that chance to run free and sow my wild oats" nonsense along with the childish "if I don't leave I'm afraid I may hurt her by having an affair" so that you can make yourself think that you're really doing this for her benefit. How selfish can you be? You want to be single and free, then bemoan the fact that you still have to be saddled with the responsibility of paying for the family home (which you purchased knowing it was a long term thing) and paying for child support (which again when you have children it's pretty much a given that it's a long term responsibility as well).

My vote is still on a troll, a windup, or midlife crisis. Note the OP just joined the site yesterday and he has only posted on this. :rolleyes:

[Nitha]

If you are still getting along then perhaps an amicable agreement can be arranged. I was under the impression that if you continued to pay for your children's accommodation then child support payments are cut down? Maybe I'm wrong. However why not live close and share custody of the children?

[scarlett647]

Hi there, this is my first post so be kind!! my sister was in the same position as you and your wife, what she did was up her hours to 16 per week so she was able to claim working family tax credit and then she was able to receive CSA payments, if your wife was able to increase her hours either in her current position or a second job this might be a good option - shouldn't be too difficult with a 12 year old.( However if she stayed on IS I do believe that the CSA would take into consideration the mortgage payments but maybe somebody else could clarify that.) Anyway good luck and i hope everything works out for you.
Linda

[Mrnidgap]

Some of you read a lot in to a few words. I am not looking to run off with a younger woman, I do not wont to sow my wild oats everywhere, I do not think my wife is past it and believe me this is no cowards option. I looked at this web page for financial advice (as it is a financial web site). I am not moaning at paying for my kids or wife and I am looking to pay far more than I have to. The children are mine and I will always see them right. I may regret it if I leave, I may regret it if I stay only time will tell. Not all men wont to run away. I would ask would some of the same comments be made if the post had been by a woman? I think not! I think some posts on here are clouded by their own experiance.

[ben500]

Sounds like you already have someone to move on to. Also sounds exactly like a midlife crisis. Sorry, but I call it as I see it. It's the whole "we've been together since we were kids - I didn't get that chance to run free and sow my wild oats" nonsense along with the childish "if I don't leave I'm afraid I may hurt her by having an affair" so that you can make yourself think that you're really doing this for her benefit. How selfish can you be? You want to be single and free, then bemoan the fact that you still have to be saddled with the responsibility of paying for the family home (which you purchased knowing it was a long term thing) and paying for child support (which again when you have children it's pretty much a given that it's a long term responsibility as well).

My vote is still on a troll, a windup, or midlife crisis. Note the OP just joined the site yesterday and he has only posted on this. :rolleyes:

All fabricated in your own head

Considering the reaction the op is receiving it's hardly surprising that a new id has been created for the post, I suspect that the op is probably a regular user and knows the kind of reception he would get so elected to us an a/e. Seems to me he was right to do so considering some of the slurs that have been posted so far with no basis other than bias. I see no moaning from the op, no attempt to shirk responsibility for his financial obligations as so many seem to be suggesting, just a valid enquiry based on his ability to pay and what the right thing would be to do. What I see is someone exploring the prospects of how best to provide for his family in his absence whilst leaving himself a liveable expense, what good will it do his wife and family if he is financially strained and they receive little or no benefit from it? This man is being condemned if it was a women planning to leave her husband you lot would be crowing for her to bleed him for every penny and condemning him as a wife beater etc etc etc again based on little or no evidence.

[ben500]

Some of you read a lot in to a few words. I am not looking to run off with a younger woman, I do not wont to sow my wild oats everywhere, I do not think my wife is past it and believe me this is no cowards option. I looked at this web page for financial advice (as it is a financial web site). I am not moaning at paying for my kids or wife and I am looking to pay far more than I have to. The children are mine and I will always see them right. I may regret it if I leave, I may regret it if I stay only time will tell. Not all men wont to run away. I would ask would some of the same comments be made if the post had been by a woman? I think not! I think some posts on here are clouded by their own experiance.

We cross posted here Mr but your bang on, I've seen it time and time again on here, I hope things work out well for both you and your family, be patient there will be those that will come along with valid suggestions and advice relative to your situation, the steam blowers will have their say and move on to the next victim soon enough.

[Triggles]

Actually, if it had been a regular poster who had been here awhile, I would have been less inclined to believe it was a windup or a troll. We have had an unusual number of people coming through lately posting just these types of things as a windup.

And sorry, but he IS complaining that he can't afford to pay for the house and child support. But those are both commitments that he may well have to shoulder. There are free legal surgeries for people to ask these types of questions from solicitors, that would be a more logical approach IMO. He did make a point of saying that they'd been together since he was 16 and that he felt trapped. He did say that he felt if he stayed longer he would stray. Perhaps you should reread his posts. Nowhere did he say "gosh, what would be a good way to increase my income or reduce my unnecessary expenses so that I can provide for my child." He was basically saying I can't pay for both - how can I avoid that? And I'm puzzled on the "younger woman" comment - I just said it looked like he might have someone lined up - didn't state anything about a "younger woman".

And if it was a woman with the same story, only reversed, I would say the same thing. So kindly don't assume you know what I would say. My reaction is not coloured by experience as much as a simple lack of respect for someone who lacks responsibility for his actions and seems to be attempting a windup.

[Errata]

Get yourself a caravan, park it in the drive, live in it and you'll be able to share the childcare and your costs will be minimal.

[galvanizersbaby]

I don't really get the negative comments about the OP troll or no troll :confused:

He is willing to pay a $1000 a month mortgage so that his wife and children can stay in the marital home (which is likely a larger amount than he would have to pay if 'chased by the CSA')
I think what he is saying is he couldn't afford any extra on top of that?!

I'm not sure where the mention of the other woman comes in?

Think some of the comments made here about the OP are totally out of order tbh

[ianian99]

All fabricated in your own head

Considering the reaction the op is receiving it's hardly surprising that a new id has been created for the post, I suspect that the op is probably a regular user and knows the kind of reception he would get so elected to us an a/e. Seems to me he was right to do so considering some of the slurs that have been posted so far with no basis other than bias. I see no moaning from the op, no attempt to shirk responsibility for his financial obligations as so many seem to be suggesting, just a valid enquiry based on his ability to pay and what the right thing would be to do. What I see is someone exploring the prospects of how best to provide for his family in his absence whilst leaving himself a liveable expense, what good will it do his wife and family if he is financially strained and they receive little or no benefit from it? This man is being condemned if it was a women planning to leave her husband you lot would be crowing for her to bleed him for every penny and condemning him as a wife beater etc etc etc again based on little or no evidence.


I was just about to say something like that, its the same EVERY time. If its a women posting its "oh, poor you HUGS, take the ba$t@rd" to the cleaners but if its a bloke its " your a ba$t@ard and your wife deserves better"

[ianian99]

Get yourself a caravan, park it in the drive, live in it and you'll be able to share the childcare and your costs will be minimal.

Why would he do that if he doesn't want to be there?
He could also get himself a nice new gaff and stop paying the mortgage but hes not. Get a grip woman.

[Mrnidgap]

You are forgetting that the children are ours the debts are ours NOT mine. I only have to pay half the debts (inc mortgage) and child support, no problem I would be a lot better off. I am no Rockerfella and money for me will be very tight. Gosh how can I increase my income! sorry on my own or with family I want that. How more responsible can I be for my actions? I want out the reason I want out is not important to this argument but am willing to give over half my income back to my wife. Or should I stay and be unhappy?

[Triggles]

If he's sensible, he'd talk the whole "paying the mortgage" thing over with his wife anyway. I don't know that many women that would like being in that position. If he's paying the mortgage, is he going to feel he has a right to keep keys to the house or have freedom of access to the house, even though he doesn't live there? Is he going to feel that he has the right to make decisions about the house or give approval for any changes she makes to the property (even minor changes)? Is he going to be like a landlord then - will he be responsible for repairs if needed? This type of thing can be a real landmine - which is why he would be much better off talking to his wife and then a solicitor to find out where he stands legally, as well as someone who can advise he and his wife on how it may affect any benefits claims she may make. On something like this, it just makes more sense to talk to a professional about legal advice, not a money saving website. Because it's not strictly a financial issue, is it. You also don't mention if both you and your wife are on the mortgage or just you. That makes a difference as well if she is part owner of the house, if she decides to claim any benefits, as you mentioned income support.

[ben500]

Has it occurred to anyone that this guy might just want to pay the mortgage out of duty rather than any ulterior motive? Wtf is a bloke supposed to do to be right these days, if he wasn't offering to pay the mortgage he'd be slagged off as a retrobate he elects to pay and he's a manipulator!!!
Maybe he just wants peace of mind that his family are not left wanting financialy and have the security of bricks and mortar due to his absence?

[galvanizersbaby]

OP - in your situation I would get mediation for financial matters - it is free - go along with your wife (this is to help plan the financial side of things only it is not for relationship counselling as you have already made a decision to separate)

If you and your wife can keep things amicable there should be no need to involve the CSA but I think you need to carefully plan out the financial side of things with her - it's not something you can do on your own and say to her 'there you are I've sorted it'

[ianian99]

Has it occurred to anyone that this guy might just want to pay the mortgage out of duty rather than any ulterior motive? Wtf is a bloke supposed to do to be right these days, if he wasn't offering to pay the mortgage he'd be slagged off as a retrobate he elects to pay and he's a manipulator!!!

Its only the start of it. There will be loads of bitter burds coming on giving him stick. Just a matter of time, it will be the usuall suspects too and I bet we get a fair bit of stick too!!
Cany wait:eek:

[Triggles]

Even if things are amicable - it's best to have it sorted legally and in writing - because while it may be amicable now - that's not a guarantee it will stay that way. That way both parties are protected.

[TigersEye]

My father did this to my mum, and promised her he would support her financially, she believed him because she loved him so much, he did give her money for a bit then bit by bit took away everything and now she has no money and living on pension credits. There is a lot more to her story than these few lines, but to say the fact that my father loves to stick the knife in and twist it, is no joke:(

I hope this lady gets a good lawyer and make sure she gets everything down in black and white, why should she suffer, just because her husband wants a new life, or rather the start of his midlife crisis, if he would only be honest.

[Pssst]

It seems to me that when a female pitches up on this site and says shes leaving her husband becuase of this that or the other the Amen corner cry hallelujah,another sister has been saved and there are cries of support and continual enquiries about how are things going etc etc..blah blah blah.

But just let one man come on here and say the same and he is condemned for abandoning his wife and responsibilities and then insulted by the suggestion that he is suffering some kind of mid life crisis.
Also the suggestion that he isnt telling all and that there must be some gymslip lolita in the background.

A man is just as entitled to independent thought word ,deed and happiness as any woman on this planet.

Sometimes a man feels that he has spent so long caring for others that he has forgotten to care for himself and live his life.
Life is too short.
I say to that man, do what you feel you have to do but dont forget your responsibilities.

[hm71]

sounds like my bloody hubby- if you had said 3 kids then I would have def thought it was him!!! my friends & I have decided that a man hits 40 and all hell lets lose- 4 of my friends whose hubbys range from 40-47 my hubby 44 are all having the same kinda problems.

[Triggles]

Its only the start of it. There will be loads of bitter burds coming on giving him stick. Just a matter of time, it will be the usuall suspects too and I bet we get a fair bit of stick too!!
Cany wait:eek:

Good grief. "Loads of bitter burds." And that's not as sexist as you're accusing us of being?:rotfl:

Seriously, if you look back a bit, there was a post by a female that stated she wanted to leave her husband - he'd done nothing wrong, but she was attracted to a coworker and thought he was a better prospect for her. She literally got flamed by tons of people - both men and women posters. So it's not all as you claim.

[Pssst]

sounds like my bloody hubby- if you had said 3 kids then I would have def thought it was him!!! my friends & I have decided that a man hits 40 and all hell lets lose- 4 of my friends whose hubbys range from 40-47 my hubby 44 are all having the same kinda problems.Perhaps thats when they wake up and smell the coffee..?

[TigersEye]

Good grief. "Loads of bitter burds." And that's not as sexist as you're accusing us of being?:rotfl:

Seriously, if you look back a bit, there was a post by a female that stated she wanted to leave her husband - he'd done nothing wrong, but she was attracted to a coworker and thought he was a better prospect for her. She literally got flamed by tons of people - both men and women posters. So it's not all as you claim.
Thank you:confused:

[TigersEye]

Perhaps thats when they wake up and smell the coffee..?
What you really mean is that they want their cake and eat it

[Mrnidgap]

My father did this to my mum, and promised her he would support her financially, she believed him because she loved him so much, he did give her money for a bit then bit by bit took away everything and now she has no money and living on pension credits. There is a lot more to her story than these few lines, but to say the fact that my father loves to stick the knife in and twist it, is no joke:(

I hope this lady gets a good lawyer and make sure she gets everything down in black and white, why should she suffer, just because her husband wants a new life, or rather the start of his midlife crisis, if he would only be honest.

Why would I want to hurt the mother of my children? She has been part of my life for a long time and I only have positive feelings for her. Why am I not being honest? You do not know me. I work 12 hours a day Monday to Friday and it's got to the stage where i prefer to be at work than home. If I stay as I am I will fade away, am I not entitled to be happy? or am I the least important person in my life?

[ianian99]

It seems to me that when a female pitches up on this site and says shes leaving her husband becuase of this that or the other the Amen corner cry hallelujah,another sister has been saved and there are cries of support and continual enquiries about how are things going etc etc..blah blah blah.

But just let one man come on here and say the same and he is condemned for abandoning his wife and responsibilities and then insulted by the suggestion that he is suffering some kind of mid life crisis.
Also the suggestion that he isnt telling all and that there must be some gymslip lolita in the background.

A man is just as entitled to independent thought word ,deed and happiness as any woman on this planet.

Sometimes a man feels that he has spent so long caring for others that he has forgotten to care for himself and live his life.
Life is too short.
I say to that man, do what you feel you have to do but dont forget your responsibilities.


here here .

[looktothefuture]

My stepfather no longer loved my mother after 17 years and they split up! He may not have been my birth father but he made sure not only my mother but my sister and I were looked after (even though we were by this time we were 18 and 23 but still living at home!). They tried councilling, tried living together but having seperate lives and tried just staying together for the sake of their 17 year relationship. It never worked...

They seperated, went their own ways and lived their own lives and you know what... they are still friends to this day. Talk to your wife, but no doubt you already have, and do it as openly and calmly as you can.

All I can say now is, good luck to whatever you and your wife decide to do!

OP, do what is the best for you and your wife (and children) to find the best fit for YOUR LIVES!

[hm71]

Perhaps thats when they wake up and smell the coffee..?
been married long have ya??:rotfl:

[ianian99]

Good grief. "Loads of bitter burds." And that's not as sexist as you're accusing us of being?:rotfl:

Seriously, if you look back a bit, there was a post by a female that stated she wanted to leave her husband - he'd done nothing wrong, but she was attracted to a coworker and thought he was a better prospect for her. She literally got flamed by tons of people - both men and women posters. So it's not all as you claim.


excactly ONE post where the woman got slated.
I bet I could find 100 where women have posted and the men were called ba$tards

[TigersEye]

Why would I want to hurt the mother of my children? She has been part of my life for a long time and I only have positive feelings for her. Why am I not being honest? You do not know me. I work 12 hours a day Monday to Friday and it's got to the stage where i prefer to be at work than home. If I stay as I am I will fade away, am I not entitled to be happy? or am I the least important person in my life?
Thats what my father said to my mum and now he's on his new bit of stuff, so sorry if I don't believe you, but I have heard this story more than once :(

[markelock]

What you really mean is that they want their cake and eat it

with coffee. and two slices of cake. filthy filthy cake.

poor bloke. Pssst summed it up well I think.

My parents divorced when I was about 12, it probably affected me more than I think, but it was the right thing to do, and I benefitted from it, both moved on and had new lives.

[ianian99]

What you really mean is that they want their cake and eat it


whats the point in having a cake if you cant eat it?

[ianian99]

Thats what my father said to my mum and now he's on his new bit of stuff, so sorry if I don't believe you, but I have heard this story more than once :(

are you bitter about it?

[callow]

Without going into the morals of it, as my husband up and left me, the best thing would be if your wife could up her hours and work 16 hours a week. That way she will have her wage topped up with Working Tax Credit and you can come to your own arrangement with maintenence.

Again if your wife is willing and is able she may decide to downsize. We sold the family house and my husband gave me all the equity and I was able to buy my own smaller house outright.

[TigersEye]

are you bitter about it?Well how would you feel if someone you loved had been hurt constantly by someone she loved so much and she didn't do anything to deserve it, in fact she tried everything to save the marraige and was constantly been slapped back down again and again:mad:

[ben500]

Most women wouldn't hang around for 21yrs it's too easy to walk away and get sorted and far too many take full advantage of the fact, often with the kids in tow merely to ensure their future finances. It's a screwed up world but the screwing up is done by both sexes in case you lot hadn't noticed.

[Mrnidgap]

Without going into the morals of it, as my husband up and left me, the best thing would be if your wife could up her hours and work 16 hours a week. That way she will have her wage topped up with Working Tax Credit and you can come to your own arrangement with maintenence.

Again if your wife is willing and is able she may decide to downsize. We sold the family house and my husband gave me all the equity and I was able to buy my own smaller house outright.


Thanks nice to get some advice instead of people thinking they know me. It has crossed my mind to give her the house and I will make that offer but that would need to be done soon after we split. But she will not be able to afford the mortgage.

[ianian99]

Well how would you feel if someone you loved had been hurt constantly by someone she loved so much and she didn't do anything to deserve it, in fact she tried everything to save the marraige and was constantly been slapped back down again and again:mad:


so i wasnt wrong then about bitter burds coming on was I?

[Pssst]

What you really mean is that they want their cake and eat it
Well i can only speak for myself and ive had more than my fair share of cake and wouldnt be too bothered if i never had another morsel. I certainly wouldnt live under the rule of a tyrannical controlling woman just for the sake of some "cake".
Why is it that women assume that men always need "cake" and are always chasing it? Dont women need or chase it too?

[TigersEye]

so i wasnt wrong then about bitter burds coming on was I?How about speaking from experience, and wishing I'd done things different, I just hope that the wife and child can come out of this situation with their self esteem intact:)

[Pssst]

been married long have ya??:rotfl:

Never married,never will.. :j

[TigersEye]

Well i can only speak for myself and ive had more than my fair share of cake and wouldnt be too bothered if i never had another morsel. I certainly wouldnt live under the rule of a tyrannical controlling woman just for the sake of some "cake".
Why is it that women assume that men always need "cake" and are always chasing it? Dont women need or chase it too?
How about tyrannical controlling man

[Pssst]

How about tyrannical controlling man

Yes indeed,i agree it cuts both ways..though the signs are there at the church on the big day..aisle,altar,hymn.

[hm71]

Never married,never will.. :j
probably a good move!!! not all women are tyrannical- I don't think I am.

[geoff c]

Two children, lucky man. When many fathers don't get the opportunities to bring up their loved ones through incompetence through the family justice system and solicitors who are working the system to their own ends. Work harder at it, it brings rewards!

geoff c

[TigersEye]

probably a good move!!! not all women are tyrannical- I don't think I am.
Me neither, I've just had a broken heart and seen people I care about had broken hearts, topics like this make me sad and and angry that I just say what I feel:(

[mrcow]

Or should I stay and be unhappy?

No, you should not stay and be unhappy. That's not going to help anyone.

It's a big decision that you're making and I guess is a bit of a minefield.

Not trying to sound rude, but as your wife is going to be running her own home now, surely it should be up to her now to start looking at either increasing her hours or getting a second job? I understand that you want to pay your way as well, but you're not the only adult capable of bringing in income here.

[ben500]

No, you should not stay and be unhappy. That's not going to help anyone.

It's a big decision that you're making and I guess is a bit of a minefield.

Not trying to sound rude, but as your wife is going to be running her own home now, surely it should be up to her now to start looking at either increasing her hours or getting a second job? I understand that you want to pay your way as well, but you're not the only adult capable of bringing in income here.

Be careful of those minefields you just stepped in one

[Emzycal]

I'm pretty sure if this was a woman posting this,everyone would probably automatically assume that the husband had done something to warrant her wanting to leave.

Women leave marriages all the time,and are usually praised for it - for wanting to be independent or ''just not loving him anymore''.

Equality is a fallacy when a man is expected to stay in a marriage he's not happy with,whereas a woman would be applauded.

[galvanizersbaby]

Well i can only speak for myself and ive had more than my fair share of cake and wouldnt be too bothered if i never had another morsel. I certainly wouldnt live under the rule of a tyrannical controlling woman just for the sake of some "cake".
Why is it that women assume that men always need "cake" and are always chasing it? Dont women need or chase it too?

Well I'm a woman and I'm in support of the OP here - feel for the wife and son involved but he has been honest with her and is trying to do his best by them.

BTW Pssst - I was rather intrigued by your thread yesterday on the above subject - what was behind all that?! - going to revisit it now to see if you've explained!

[tom9980]

IF the youngest child is 12 she wont get income support anyway

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/parents_/Lone_Parents/Changes_to_Income_Support_for_lone_parents/index.html

Do the right thing by them and yourself OP, dont rush its a bad time to be selling your house so work something out so you can both get back on your feet and maybe look to sell when prices have risen a bit again in 5+ years when the 12 year old leaves home.

Try to work out a plan of action and present it to your wife.

[DCFC79]

IF the youngest child is 12 she wont get income support anyway

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/parents_/Lone_Parents/Changes_to_Income_Support_for_lone_parents/index.html

Do the right thing by them and yourself OP, dont rush its a bad time to be selling your house so work something out so you can both get back on your feet and maybe look to sell when prices have risen a bit again in 5+ years when the 12 year old leaves home.

Try to work out a plan of action and present it to your wife.

the OP said they werent looking at selling the house, but yes he does need to write down the financial numbers eg outgoings and any money that comes in like wages, then work out what you(OP) pays for,

[DCFC79]

OP do you not have any single male friends who have space for a flat mate (just thinking as you dont want to buy somewhere and maybe regret it), maybe the break will do some good and the 2 of you will be fine

[pinkshoes]

But just let one man come on here and say the same and he is condemned for abandoning his wife and responsibilities and then insulted by the suggestion that he is suffering some kind of mid life crisis.
Also the suggestion that he isnt telling all and that there must be some gymslip lolita in the background.
.

Actually, I think many people (me included) were going down the line of asking if he'd done everything he could to save his marriage first, before leaving.

There's nothing wrong with leaving a marriage if you have tried your best to re-find the reason you fell in love with them, especially if the other party wants to stay together, but the OP didn't make that particularly clear, and it came across like he hadn't tried to make it work yet, and this was his final decision, and perhaps didn't WANT to try and make it work.

[Sammz]

I can't believe the number of people who come on to these threads and put their own spin on the story. Or somehow turn the poster in to someone they know who said one thing but did another.

OP, if all that you have said is true (and I have no reason to doubt it other than that many posters do like to add further info in future posts!) then good luck to you moving on with your life.

As someone else has mentioned, your wife seems to be capable of bringing in some kind of income and could increase that to help.

And how controlling has she been by managing to keep you in a relationship you haven't wanted to be in for years?

[Charis]

Why would I want to hurt the mother of my children? She has been part of my life for a long time and I only have positive feelings for her. Why am I not being honest? You do not know me. I work 12 hours a day Monday to Friday and it's got to the stage where i prefer to be at work than home. If I stay as I am I will fade away, am I not entitled to be happy? or am I the least important person in my life?

Are you sure you're not just suffering from burnout or depression - or loss of hope given the current economic conditions? Would it help to have a good look at your own life and where you think you could make changes before you leave the security of family life?

You still seem to care for your wife. How will you feel if a couple of years down the line she finds someone else who takes your place, both in her eyes and in your children's? Leaving home won't guarantee that you find happiness in the long term.

My ex OH would be the first to admit that he is no happier now than he was with me. We are still on friendly terms over 20 years later, but his relationships with our children have not been easy. Interestingly, although a couple of my children are now in their 30's and one has children, none has expressed the slightest interest in marriage. Be careful what example you set.

I hope you can work out something that benefits all of you.

[Charis]

I can't believe the number of people who come on to these threads and put their own spin on the story.

.....

And how controlling has she been by managing to keep you in a relationship you haven't wanted to be in for years?

A perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black, as my Gran used to say.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Mrnidgap]

Are you sure you're not just suffering from burnout or depression - or loss of hope given the current economic conditions? Would it help to have a good look at your own life and where you think you could make changes before you leave the security of family life?

You still seem to care for your wife. How will you feel if a couple of years down the line she finds someone else who takes your place, both in her eyes and in your children's? Leaving home won't guarantee that you find happiness in the long term.

My ex OH would be the first to admit that he is no happier now than he was with me. We are still on friendly terms over 20 years later, but his relationships with our children have not been easy. Interestingly, although a couple of my children are now in their 30's and one has children, none has expressed the slightest interest in marriage. Be careful what example you set.

I hope you can work out something that benefits all of you.


I am fine with work my commute is 90 minutes each way. I may regret my actions but I do hope we stay friends. The children will always be number 1, I had a very poor father and I will not be like him. My children and I are very close and that is why I am looking at a flat near home not near work.

[Pssst]

Heres some guidance for all men and women..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvZHNBOkNA8&feature=related

Its perhaps only our consciences that prevent us from following this simple advice.

[daphne descends]

You're 37 with two children and have only now 'worked out what to do with my life'??

I cannot honestly believe people think if the OP was a woman she'd be favoured. Why is it acceptable for men to up and leave the family home and children? Women would be called all sorts of things 'terrible mothers' being the least of them but we are supposed to sympathise with this man? Yeah right.

[H4ppyasLarry]

I was in a similar position to you. My wife and I had been going through a really difficult time with our relationship so we decided to go on the marriage course.
<http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/welcome/whatisit/default.htm>
Two weeks before we were due to start the course, things were so bad that we decided to separate. However, as a last resort, I pleaded with my wife to still attend the course which she did. We have a two-year-old son so we wanted to do everything we could for his sake.
It was difficult at first but we got through it. It wasn't long until we really enjoyed attending each week. It was like going on a date - We got a lovely meal and then we watched a DVD. Next, we then did some exercises ourselves in private. The DVD presentation was excellent. It was amusing and informative.
The course was amazing and I couldn't believe what we learnt on it. It felt like we had discovered one of the secrets of the universe. My wife thinks now that it should be compulsory for every married coupled to attend this course!
If it wasn't for this course we would be divorced now. I would urge anyone married couple to attend this course. It is not soley intended for those who are having marriage difficulties but to any married couple no matter how long you’ve been married. One couple on our course were married for 2 years, the other 30 years).
It might be something worth thinking about?

[Pssst]

You're 37 with two children and have only now 'worked out what to do with my life'??

I cannot honestly believe people think if the OP was a woman she'd be favoured. Why is it acceptable for men to up and leave the family home and children? Women would be called all sorts of things 'terrible mothers' being the least of them.

Not on here they wouldnt.
The Amen corner fully supports a sister who leaves her husband.

[Triggles]

Not on here they wouldnt.
The Amen corner fully supports a sister who leaves her husband.

I don't agree with this. If the situation were reversed, and it was the wife posting on here saying she wanted to "move on" and there were no real problems, just didn't love him, I would be frustrated with her as well and I have no patience for anyone - male or female - that treats marriage so lightly, especially after 21 years. Nobody ever said marriage was easy, sometimes you have to work very hard at it.

As I said previously, the OP really needs to be discussing all this with his wife, a solicitor (for the legal aspects of the house and childcare arrangements) if he decides to go through with it. If I were the wife, I would be very hurt (not to mention offended) that my DH discussed this on a message board with a bunch of strangers rather than sitting down and discussing it with me like 2 rational adults. As we don't know all his financial information, mortgage details, and the like (and don't want to know, thanks!), we can't really give him any specific idea as to what options he has anyway. That's what solicitors get paid for. If he can afford £1000 per month mortgage, plus separate living expenses for himself, he can afford a 1 hour consult with a solicitor, surely.

[AnnieM]

Surely as long as the OP does make sure he continues to honour his legal and moral responsibilities to his kids and their mother, whether he leaves his wife is entirely up to him. Nobody should have to feel they must stay in a relationship that isn't working, even if the other person feels differently about it.

To the OP: Maybe couples counselling to see if there actually is something worth saving might be a good idea, if you just feel like the relationship is in a rut, or you have 'itchy feet' to live the life you never had when you were younger. That might also help your wife come to terms with it ending, if that's what has to happen. You do sound like you've made up your mind to leave though, so if that's what you do, just don't mess her about, and always make sure you do right by your kids.

Good luck to you and your family.

AnnieM

[Mutter]

I've no idea how to post the comparison, but just take a look at the first post from the OP and then then the second.

The first is full of grammatical and spelling errors. The second, near to perfect.

[pink princess]

nerves maybe

[Mutter]

I was in a similar position to you. My wife and I had been going through a really difficult time with our relationship so we decided to go on the marriage course.
<http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/welcome/whatisit/default.htm>
Two weeks before we were due to start the course, things were so bad that we decided to separate. However, as a last resort, I pleaded with my wife to still attend the course which she did. We have a two-year-old son so we wanted to do everything we could for his sake.
It was difficult at first but we got through it. It wasn't long until we really enjoyed attending each week. It was like going on a date - We got a lovely meal and then we watched a DVD. Next, we then did some exercises ourselves in private. The DVD presentation was excellent. It was amusing and informative.
The course was amazing and I couldn't believe what we learnt on it. It felt like we had discovered one of the secrets of the universe. My wife thinks now that it should be compulsory for every married coupled to attend this course!
If it wasn't for this course we would be divorced now. I would urge anyone married couple to attend this course. It is not soley intended for those who are having marriage difficulties but to any married couple no matter how long you’ve been married. One couple on our course were married for 2 years, the other 30 years).
It might be something worth thinking about?
Please re-print this in green, I am not allowed a Black pen. Thankyou.

[Mutter]

I was in a similar position to you. My wife and I had been going through a really difficult time with our relationship so we decided to go on the marriage course.
<http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/welcome/whatisit/default.htm>
Two weeks before we were due to start the course, things were so bad that we decided to separate. However, as a last resort, I pleaded with my wife to still attend the course which she did. We have a two-year-old son so we wanted to do everything we could for his sake.
It was difficult at first but we got through it. It wasn't long until we really enjoyed attending each week. It was like going on a date - We got a lovely meal and then we watched a DVD. Next, we then did some exercises ourselves in private. The DVD presentation was excellent. It was amusing and informative.
The course was amazing and I couldn't believe what we learnt on it. It felt like we had discovered one of the secrets of the universe. My wife thinks now that it should be compulsory for every married coupled to attend this course!
If it wasn't for this course we would be divorced now. I would urge anyone married couple to attend this course. It is not soley intended for those who are having marriage difficulties but to any married couple no matter how long you’ve been married. One couple on our course were married for 2 years, the other 30 years).
It might be something worth thinking about?

I can copy and paste too. Shall I fetch an example? A charge sheet maybe?

[Errata]

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems

I hope the OP understands that the 12 year old will feel somewhat abandoned, however much contact is maintained.

[Mutter]

I have worked out what I want to do with my life and I do not think a bungey jump will help

Go for it!
If the rope breaks, then all happy.
You get out, Mum and the kids are whooping for joy as they are insured.
Great score all round.

[TigersEye]

Go for it!
If the rope breaks, then all happy.
You get out, Mum and the kids are whooping for joy as they are insured.
Great score all round.
Yes problem solved

[ianian99]

I was in a similar position to you. My wife and I had been going through a really difficult time with our relationship so we decided to go on the marriage course.
<http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/welcome/whatisit/default.htm>
Two weeks before we were due to start the course, things were so bad that we decided to separate. However, as a last resort, I pleaded with my wife to still attend the course which she did. We have a two-year-old son so we wanted to do everything we could for his sake.
It was difficult at first but we got through it. It wasn't long until we really enjoyed attending each week. It was like going on a date - We got a lovely meal and then we watched a DVD. Next, we then did some exercises ourselves in private. The DVD presentation was excellent. It was amusing and informative.
The course was amazing and I couldn't believe what we learnt on it. It felt like we had discovered one of the secrets of the universe. My wife thinks now that it should be compulsory for every married coupled to attend this course!
If it wasn't for this course we would be divorced now. I would urge anyone married couple to attend this course. It is not soley intended for those who are having marriage difficulties but to any married couple no matter how long you’ve been married. One couple on our course were married for 2 years, the other 30 years).
It might be something worth thinking about?


SPAM SPAM SPAM

can someone report it

[Jo_R]

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?

Interesting. OP being as you feel your wife is basically a nice person but you aren't in love with her (paraphrasing but you get the idea) and you are so bothered about the family home then why aren't you considering staying in the family home, caring for your 12-year-old and letting your wife find her way?

[Sammz]

A perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black, as my Gran used to say.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Not at all. Begging someone to stay is controlling. No?

[elkay115]

I don't agree with this. If the situation were reversed, and it was the wife posting on here saying she wanted to "move on" and there were no real problems, just didn't love him, I would be frustrated with her as well and I have no patience for anyone - male or female - that treats marriage so lightly, especially after 21 years. Nobody ever said marriage was easy, sometimes you have to work very hard at it.

As I said previously, the OP really needs to be discussing all this with his wife, a solicitor (for the legal aspects of the house and childcare arrangements) if he decides to go through with it. If I were the wife, I would be very hurt (not to mention offended) that my DH discussed this on a message board with a bunch of strangers rather than sitting down and discussing it with me like 2 rational adults. As we don't know all his financial information, mortgage details, and the like (and don't want to know, thanks!), we can't really give him any specific idea as to what options he has anyway. That's what solicitors get paid for. If he can afford £1000 per month mortgage, plus separate living expenses for himself, he can afford a 1 hour consult with a solicitor, surely.

Not loving someone IS the problem!! If you don't love someone why would you want to remain with them and be miserable and make everyone else round about you miserable? That would be just plain stupid!!

And for the record I am female. ;)

[krisskross]

Give the guy a break.

Their younger son is 12, plenty old enough to understand.

There is never a right time to end a relationship but this chap has made the decision. It is going to happen. He wants to do the right thing by his family but staying is not an option. For goodness sake he has been with his wife since he was just a few years older than his younger lad.He was very young to make a lifetime committment.

I wouldn't want a bloke to stay with me purely out of duty, there is more to life than that.

I am sure his wife can get a full time job, why shouldn't she? With some financial support from the OP it should all work out.

Good luck with whatever decisions you make

[kerryoldham]

I left my husband 3 years ago after nearly 20 years. Everyone thought I was mad as he was such a nice bloke and would do anything for me.

The problem was we had been together since I was 17 and our lives had gone in such different directions (careers, etc) that we had nothing at all in common. I hadn't loved him for a good few years but stuck it out for both him and my children, who were 16, 11 and 8 then.

When I told him it was over we were both devastated, him because he loved me and didn't want it to end, me because I had hurt someone deeply and split my family.

3 years on we are both in new relationships and are much happier. He has since admitted that he knew things weren't right but it was easier to just plod along than do anything about it. We both agree we should have split 5 years before we did.

What I'm trying to say is that it takes guts to make a break, a surprising number of people "make do" because the practicalities of a split are daunting.

Good luck to the OP

[Oldernotwiser]

Not on here they wouldnt.
The Amen corner fully supports a sister who leaves her husband.

But not one who leaves her children!

[looby-loo]

And your 12 year old - ask at his school what the concequences of a split may be

[paddy's mum]

I've been accused of many things on these forums. (Fora, for the pedantic perfectionists)

I've been told that at times I make people wince with straight speaking, I've had threads locked, I've been 'shouted' at that how dare I judge, I have been told that I should hang my head in shame. I've also been thanked. The one thing (as yet, at least!) that nobody has ever said is that I treat men and women differently, so I hope my comments here rise above the anti-men/pro-women dispute going on currently.

I would hope that I am truthful when I say that I treat selfishness/unkindness/cruelty - call bad behaviour whatever you choose - the same whether it is a man or a woman doing the poor conduct stuff.

There is one thing I would like to say that may be of relevance to this thread. OP has been (assuming the original posts are reasonably true) constant, loyal and conscientious. There is no suggestion that he has been an %^&*(+£" of any kind.

He now has changed (grown up?) - what person is the same at 16 years of age as they are 20 years later? That is a tremendously young age at which to join your life with another - and don't we older folk tell our youngsters "this is puppy love - you'll get over it - it can't last - one day you'll want your life to go in a different direction" Assuming that the OP is caught in exactly this scenario, what is he to do? Stay and spend the rest of his life feeling that he has been a mug and is giving his family only a fraction of the good of which he is capable? Move out and make a new life, which may not be half so lively and rewarding as he thinks it may be?

I can speak only from experience. I made my full quota of huge mistakes and hopefully, have come out the other side having learned just a little. One thing I did learn is that two mules in a shared harness can pull the heavy cart nowhere if they are not pulling together, in the same direction, with the same degree of effort. If you can't pull together, take the mules out of harness and set them to separate tasks, for all else is a waste of time, however much you may wish for perfect harmony and perfect achievement.

In my day, warring couples stayed together despite pretty much anything. Separation or divorce was heavily frowned upon. Therefore, the adults chose poorly and suffered, their lives were miserable and their innocent children observed and endured too much, which (I am quite sure) affected their own marriage choices and conduct.

Then the scales tipped and separation and divorce became commonplace. Innocent children are caught between warring parents. Money cannot be spread thinly enough. Everyone is miserable. The only thing that I can see that is different today (and thank heaven for it!) is that the abiding love of parents for their children is allowed to rise to the top of the milk and be the most important and valuable thing.

I feel sorry for the OP who, it seems to me, is different from so many other posters whose sole aim when seeking advice is "how can I lawfully shirk my responsibilities" or "tell me a smartarse way to evade spending out so that I can fritter the money on which my children must depend upon my whims instead". I suspect we would be furthering the aims of MSE by giving him our best information.

I would join others in urging OP to discuss the whole issue with his wife, since who else is going to find their entire life turned topsyturvy by all this?

Equally, I feel very sad for the wife who is still in love with her husband (the OP) and probably can't think straight once he said he wanted to leave.

OP - if there does indeed happen to be another woman hidden in the wings, then you deserve all the scorn that will be heaped upon you. You will spend years getting your child/children to talk to you again and centuries getting them to trust you once more.

However, in the spirit of your posts and your desire to do the best by everyone in this sad situation, I wish you well.

[Oldernotwiser]

Not loving someone IS the problem!! If you don't love someone why would you want to remain with them and be miserable and make everyone else round about you miserable? ;)

You only make others miserable if you're self indulgent and lack self control!

[louby28]

I hope it all goes well for the OP. You sound like you have tried to make a go of things and have been unhappy for a while.

I love my husband and would be devestated if he no longer loved me, however I would rather know the truth, as to be with someone who no longer wants to be with me and who is staying out of duty is a far more humiliating prospect.

[ggugvrunt]

I'm in almost the opposite position. I had a drink problem a couple of years ago (ok now though), went into hospital for five months (not connected with the drink) which left me on crutches and unable to work.
As a result my wife of 11 years is divorcing me. I desperately don't want this since we have a three year-old daughter and my wife wants to take her halfway across the country. I don't feel I can object because of the state I got myself into back then (no violence involved).
We are just about surviving on benefits, something I thought I'd never need to do.
She seems to think that a fair split would be for her to get 85% of the house proceeds giving her enough to buy another place outright, then live on benefits herself until the child is 12.
This would effectively leave me unable to buy anywhere (could not get a mortgage) and unable to get benefits because I'd be just above the limit. All I could do is rent a bedsit for a year or so until the money ran out, then claim benefits.
I came into this relationship with my own 4-bedroomed detached house and in a year's time I'll have nothing, and probably only able to see the daughter I love every couple of months.
Nothing seems fair in this life!

[elkay115]

You only make others miserable if you're self indulgent and lack self control!

That is a load of rubbish if ever I heard it!!
If a person is miserable then obviously that is going to show and rub off and make others around them miserable too.

Why on earth should anyone, male or female be stuck in a relationship that they don't want to be in anymore. People fall out of love, it happens! And when it does happen then they should leave the person they don't love anymore. Why should they be made to feel guilty because they don't love someone anymore?

It looks to me like the OP, after 21 years married will know whether he loves his wife or not, and if he doesn't then he should leave. It gives him and his wife the chance then to maybe find someone they can be happy with. His wife isn't going to be happy living with someone who doesn't love her, I know I wouldn't!

[elkay115]

But not one who leaves her children!

Guess what? If they are going to split up, then ONE of them will have to leave the children. That is part and parcel of a couple with children splitting up.

[jockettuk]

Why is it when a man comes on looking for a bit of advice people seem to have a go at him, sounds like the marriage is over for what ever reason and he is trying to look after everyone including himself. On another thread a female left her husband came on for a bit of advice on leaving her husband and everyone was aplauding her even me.

When my ex husband and i split it was similar to the ops situation, and i thought oh my god how am i going to cope without him etc, but as soon as he left and i got myself into a routine i found that i didnt love him either and 8 yrs later we both have new relationships that we are happier in and my daughter has moved on with us and accepted she has 2 parents and 2 families oh and 2 lots of christmas and birthday presents lol.

My ex paid the morgage untill I decided it was time for me to move out of the family home and sell even when he got married and i was in another relationship. This meant his daughter didnt have any more upset than needed over the split.

The op wants to know how he can make the split less stressful on his wife and family good on him.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do..

[H4ppyasLarry]

I am a bit puzzled by the responses to my post about the marriage course.
Someone said, "I can copy and paste too. Shall I fetch an example? A charge sheet maybe?" and someone else thought it was spam. Can someone please explain? My post was genuine, not spam.
thanks